Do you think I’m stupid, DePaula Chevrolet?

You know the drill by now.  As much as I appreciate the staff and repair shop at DePaula Chevrolet, and as much as I appreciate their diligence in taking care of my 2013 Chevrolet Cobalt “Dracourage”, there are moments when I wonder if they actually value me as a human being or if they just know of me as a customer.

Case in point.

Last Friday, after I came home from an Albany Patroons victory, there was a letter in my mailbox.  Hmm.  It’s addressed to Charles Miller.  And although “Charles Miller” is on my birth certificate, there are only three people in the world that are allowed to call me “Charles.”  And I don’t think this letter came from my Grandma Betty, God rest her soul.

Back of the envelope gives a tiny address of Ormond Beach, Florida.  It isn’t until I open the envelope that I discover who sent the letter.  And why.

It’s from DePaula Chevrolet.  More specifically, from the desk of Paul Lynch

“Charles, Will you let me buy your Cruze?  Can you meet me on or before March 23rd? Please give me a call – Paul 518-284-5694.”

Ah, so “Paul Lynch” hand-wrote a message to me, and had it shipped from DePaula Chevrolet’s satellite office in Ormond Beach, Florida… requesting to buy my Cruze?

I look at the envelope.  In the upper left hand corner of the envelope is a printed “P.L.” monogram.  There’s also a pre-sorted postage stamp, which is often used for bulk mailings.

Yep.  “Paul Lynch,” whoever he is, wants to “buy” my car.  And he wants to buy it because, why?  General Motors isn’t making the Cruze any more.  And I don’t think that a six-year-old vehicle commands that much on the certified pre-owned market these days.

Oh, maybe “Paul Lynch” wants to buy Dracourage to get me into a new Chevrolet of some sort.  Yeah, he wants me to trade in my FULLY PAID FOR chariot so that I can start making payments on a new car.  Dude, this is such a great idea…

Yeah.  First off, “Paul Lynch,” if you’re trying to fool me into thinking that you’re a real person who actually hand-wrote a message to me, you’re mistaken.  This is the same tactic DePaula used to “purchase” my 2006 Cobalt SS, six months after the Blackbird was destroyed in a 2016 highway accident.

I’m not feeling it, DePaula… you must think I’m too stupid to know that this is a direct mail solicitation and not a genuine request from an employee from your dealership.

But then again, you don’t read my blog.  You don’t care.  All you care about is whether I buy a car from you, and whatever it takes to put my fanny into one of your cars.  I’m not Chuck Miller, loyal GM devotee.  I’m “Charles Miller,” direct marketing target.

So “Paul Lynch,” if you really exist at DePaula Chevrolet, I’d be happy to sell you my 2013 Chevrolet Cruze.  My opening price is $50,000.  But I am willing to negotiate to $45,000.  Please feel free to send payment at your earliest convenience.

Oh, and make the check out to “Chuck Miller,” if you please.  I’m getting sick and tired of people pretending that they know me, but addressing me by my full name instead of using the common vernacular.

Again, my bottom line is $45,000.  That, or trade me straight-up for a late-model Chevrolet Volt.  In jet black.

Oh, and I want Kara DePaula to deliver the check to me personally.  That, or the keys to the Volt.

At least I know SHE exists.

Right?