“I’m Sorry” isn’t always a reset button

There is a scene in the movie Animal House, where during the toga party John Belushi walks down a flight of stairs.  He passes a folk singer, who is casually strumming his guitar and singing to some co-eds.  Belushi takes the guitar, smashes it to a million splinters, and hands back what’s left of the instrument to the folk singer.  “Sorry,” he says, continuing his path down the steps.

At a very young age, we are taught to forgive, to acknowledge the mistakes of others as we would hope they acknowledge and forgive our transgressions.  It was Alexander Pope who reminded us that to err is human, and that to forgive is divine.

In our culture, we accept the role of contrition and forgiveness as one and the same.  The eighth and ninth steps of the Alcoholics Anonymous twelve-step program is to make a list of those we have wronged, and then reach out to them and make amends.  We go to Confessionals and ask God if He will forgive our sins.  We write letters asking for forgiveness on the days leading up to Yom Kippur.

But then I ask this question.  What is true forgiveness?

Let me speak from experience.  I’ve screwed up things so many times in my life, my last name should have been Phillips.  I’ve said dumb things, I’ve done dumb things, I’ve made horrendous mistakes – just like everyone else.  And there isn’t a day when I think about what I did that made the day worse for someone else.  Trust me.  There are many times during the day where I’m still internally kicking myself for something I did maybe 30 years ago in elementary school.  You’re hard on yourself when you screw up?  Multiply that by about 15.  That’s how I feel when I screw up.

I’m not going to sit here and blame my environment or my heredity for what I did.  God grants us free will to make choices.  I’ve made some good ones and I’ve made lousy ones.  As have we all.

Does forgiveness encompass absolution of the hurt placed upon us by someone, whether it’s anything from the last love letter of a failed relationship to the heartfelt speeches of a victim’s impact panel?  Or does forgiveness mean that we simply acknowledge that the person who wronged us is penitent, and that it’s up to us to choose whether to accept the apology or reject it?

I realize this is very heavy blog post stuff.  But please bear with me.

There have been so many crimes against humanity – genocides and pogroms, swindles and scams – that there is no way that anyone in their right mind can forgive those actions.

Yet to “forgive” does not mean you’re allowed to have a “reset button” to do the crimes again, or that the people who you’ve hurt will now go out to dinner with you and let you be the godparent to their children.

See, there are people who have harmed me – done horrible, vile things to me that would make anyone cringe if I ever told a soul about it – and have later asked for forgiveness.  Acted like everything is fine and dandy.  The years have passed, let’s put it all behind us and move forward.

And on some occasions, in the back of my mind, I’ll say, “Why should I forgive you?  What have you done to earn forgiveness, other than to say ‘I’m sorry?'” It’s not like I revel in some perverse schadenfreude in order to feel better about my life by celebrating the misery of others.  I know people who do that.  Those people are petty and shallow.

There is a mantra to “forgive and forget.”  There’s also a mantra of “acknowledge, but never forget.”  I work with the second mantra.

It’s my choice whether I want to forgive.  I can’t equate forgiveness for years of abuse with the same level of forgiveness when the clerk doesn’t give me the right amount of change.

For to forget is to allow the bullies and the abusers and the swindlers a victory.

But getting back to the main subject.  Over time, there have been instances where people have come back to me in my life, and we’ve talked about how things were back in the day, and how things have changed for us through our existence.  Sometimes the words “I’m sorry” are exchanged.

If you’re sorry – truly sorry – then show it by your deeds and your actions.  Try to make your life and those around you better than before.  It’s the old Boy Scout camping mantra of leaving a campsite cleaner than when you arrived.  Make your life better than it was when you first arrived.

As far as I’m concerned, Alexander Pope’s comment that to forgive is divine holds true.  If you’re sorry for something you did to me – I can acknowledge what you did was wrong.  I can even reach out and say, “Let’s make things better.”

But there are some things in my life I can’t forgive.  And on that subject, I’ll leave the forgiveness department to God.

Because only He can put that guitar – the one John Belushi smashed against the wall – back together again.  That’s his domain.