Visiting my new ophthalmologist, Dr. Gesshoo

My life is undergoing more rewrites than Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark.  And one of those rewrites involves my eyesight.

My mixture of nearsightedness and astigmatism has been a major curse for me.  Yes, I endured the endless taunts of “four eyes” and “windshield face” in school.  Yes, my glasses got busted up in schoolyard brawls.  Yes, one pair even met its maker in my only attempt at playing Ultimate.

That’s not to say that I haven’t tried going without eyeglasses.  At one point in the early 1990’s, I took a chance and tried contact lenses.  Within a few months, I developed severe photosensitivity, to the point where I was wearing sunglasses and contact lenses at the same time.  A day or two of that, and I said, “What’s the point,” and went back to my eyeglasses.

I’ve had my current pair of glasses for about five years now.  They’re so old, the place I originally bought them from – Sterling Optical – moved out of Crossgates Mall some time ago (I think it was replaced by one of those “cash for gold” stores).  And since my medical insurance changed this year, I figured it was time to get a new set of  eyeglasses.

And with that, I set up an appointment with a new ophthalmologist.  I had some very simple goals in mind for my eyewear.

1. I must be able to use these glasses with my camera equipment; most likely the reason why the right lens on my current pair of glasses is so scuffed is that I hold my camera viewfinder up to my right eye – and some of the cameras didn’t have protective eyecups on them.

2. I need my glasses to not make me look like Ben Franklin, Steve Urkel or Woodsy Owl.

Real simple.

And thus I welcomed a new medical professional into my cadre of keeping Chuck Miller nice and healthy – joining my general practitioner Dr. Svemanova, my dentists Mohler and Choo DDS, and my gastroenterologist Dr. Dreyneaux, is my new ophthalmologist, Dr. Gesshoo.  And due to HIPAA doctor-patient restrictions, these are their “blog-official” names.  Deal with it, binky.

Now the last time I went to an optician, it was the LensCrafters in Crossgates Mall.  My visit was notable for two things – (1) LensCrafters didn’t take my optical plan, which meant a new pair of glasses would cost over $500; and (2) one of the employees there, upon hearing that I was a blogger for the Times Union, gushed about whether or not I knew Charlie Vella, because, in her words, “I absolutely heart him.” (blinks eyes dreamily).

Never mind.

So once my new medical plan switched over at the start of 2011, I set up an appointment with Dr. Gesshoo.  I was anticipating another $$$$ price tag, but at this point the right lens on my current pair of glasses was so scratched and scuffed, it was like looking through cheesecloth.  Dr. Gesshoo examined my old glasses, and from her examination she determined that my prescription hadn’t changed.  I would simply need a new pair of polycarbonates, with a scratch-resistant coating and a one-year warranty.

My wallet started shaking all over.

After my examination, one of the staffers from Dr. Gesshoo’s office guided me to a rack of frames.  “Anything tagged with a yellow or red sticker is completely covered by your optical plan,” the staffer said.  “Anything with a blue tag is an extra $20.”

Well, since I’m not looking toward a Dolce & Gabbana frame set, the frames on the rack were just fine.  I went through the set, carefully testing each frame on my face.  Nope – too much Urkel.  Nope – not doing Woodsy.  Nope – Chuck Miller circa 1977.

Eventually I found a pair of gunmetal-colored frames with expandable hinges.  I tried them on.  They gripped my temples snugly.  Okay.  This pair works.

I checked the colored tag.  Red.

My wallet breathed again.

I did end up spending an additional $20 for a scratch-guard warranty, which would replace my lenses for one year in case of any scratches or gouges.  This is good.

On Tuesday afternoon, I received a phone call.

It was Dr. Gesshoo’s office.  “Mr. Miller, your new eyeglasses are ready.”

Five minutes later, my old wireframes were replaced with a new pair of stylish lenses.  I thought about dropping the old pair in a donation box at the receptionist’s counter for the Lions Club, but the receptionist said I should keep the old pair for now as a backup, and when I get a new pair of eyes in 2013, then I could donate the vintage pair.

Fine by me.  It’s just another step in a new life.

Of course, if you’ve ever purchased a new pair of eyeglasses, you notice that for the first 24-48 hours of ownership everything you view through the glasses looks curved and out of perspective, as if your lenses were recycled from old funhouse mirrors.  That’s the parallax view, and it will continue until your brain actually registers that you’re using new eyeglasses and compensates for the difference in lens curvature.

Either that, or the whole world is just a funhouse mirror.  I don’t know.