Chuck Miller’s Round Table: Featuring Speed Racer, Boo Boo Bear and Jem of the Holograms

In the past, I’ve authored several magazine columns on subjects ranging from 45 RPM records to the activities of hockey booster clubs.  One column, however, only lasted a single showing – and that was because the magazine in which it was published folded like a cheap suit.

Background.

In the early 1990’s, I wrote for an animation magazine called Animato!.  The quarterly glossy publication was based out of Springfield, Mass., and was considered one of the top animation magazines of its genre.  My work with Animato! included a very well-received profile of the history of the Davey and Goliath stop-motion series, as well as one of the first articles ever written about the South Park TV show.

Now fully established, I asked the editor if they would be interested in a recurring column.

The editor, intrigued, asked what I had in mind.

I pitched a column that had its roots in Steve Allen’s old PBS television show “Meeting of Minds.”  In that show, Allen acted as a moderator, interviewing historical figures – actually, actors playing historical figures.  So I wanted to create a similar concept, calling it “Chuck Miller’s Round Table,” and having me – as moderator – interview several disparate cartoon characters.  I mean, this is a magazine for animation fans.

The editor loved the idea.

I immediately went to work.

The first edition of “Chuck Miller’s Round Table” appeared in Animato! issue 40, and featured me – as host – interviewing three disparate cartoon characters.   So who were my first guests?

Well, being the nice guy that I am, I’ve included the column below.  Note that some of the references were for stuff that happened over a decade ago – i.e., Windows 95 references.  Anyways – enjoy.

CHUCK MILLER’S ROUND TABLE
(originally published in Animato! issue 40, 1997)

Chuck: Hello, and welcome to the first of a series of round table discussions with various animated stars of the past and present, and their views on current events in the animation world and in general. With me tonight, from Jellystone Park, is Boo Boo Bear…

Boo Boo: Nice to be here, Chuck.

Chuck: From the world of high-speed auto racing, we have Speed Racer…

Speed: It’s nice to be part of this Chuck I really haven’t been involved in a panel discussion like this before but I know I’ll do really well and win this one like I win all my races!

Chuck: And from the world of international rock and roll, we have that hit singer of the 1980’s, Jem.

Jem: Yeah, hi.

Chuck: So Boo Boo, what have you been up to lately?

Boo Boo: Well, Chuck, it hasn’t been easy. Ever since Mr. Ranger allowed Yogi to wire our cabin for cable television, I haven’t gotten any hibernation time.

Chuck: What, is Yogi watching the Cartoon Network?

Boo Boo: Nope… mostly the fitness channels. He finally figured out Mr. Ranger was right about all those picnic baskets, and… well… he’s now rounder than the average bear. So at the crack of dawn, he’s watching shows like the Fitness Pros, Body by Jake, Denise Austin, Kiana’s Body Workout –

Jem: Yeah. All those exercise shows – you know those women on there don’t even need to exercise. Do you know I did an entire concert tour – 45 cities – on one box of corn flakes? It isn’t easy to stay 5 foot 4 and 100 pounds, I tell you.

Boo Boo: Well, sorry, Ms. Jem, but Yogi has lost a lot of weight watching those shows. He said something to me about not being like Winnie the Pooh and going to pot.

Chuck: Oh my. Speed, do you have any thoughts on exercise shows?

Speed: Chuck I never have time to watch exercise shows because I’ve been really busy competing in auto races nearly every single week and all the winnings I make have to go support my parents and my mechanic and my little brother and his chimpanzee and my girlfriend Trixie but if I ever get a chance I’ll make sure to watch one of those shows they sound like a lot of fun.

Chuck: Wow. So Speed, where do you race these days?

Speed: It’s hard for me to find a race track because the Mach V isn’t set up for NASCAR running and ever since I set that 350 mph speed record at Indianapolis the 500 people won’t let me compete there so I usually try circuits like Formula 1 and IMSA and NHRA and anyplace where I can collect an appearance fee.

Chuck: I heard you entered a couple of races on the Wacky Racers circuit.

Speed: I raced with them for two weeks Chuck but it was brutal the first race I was in some guy named Dick Dastardly stole the wheels off my Mach V and I couldn’t find them until the race was over and the next week I ended up in a wreck with the Ant Hill Mob and the Slag Brothers and the third week Trixie thought I was making out with Penelope Pitstop but I was just trying to look under her hood and see what was wrong with her exhaust.

Jem: Yeah. That’s what they all say, car jockey.

Boo Boo: Mr. Racer, weren’t you driving a Volkswagon GTI a year or so ago?

Speed: That’s only because the Mach V was sabotaged and I think Dick Dastardly was involved in that one also he’s still sore because I found a way to get him transferred to some abandoned Air Force base where he spends the rest of his days chasing some carrier pigeon.

Boo Boo: Gee. I tried to watch an auto race once on TV, but Yogi said there was some pro beach volleyball on ESPN and that I would have to watch TV another time.

Chuck: Sounds like you guys need a VCR.

Boo Boo: We did get a VCR – it was a gift from Ranger Smith. But between you and me, Chuck… Yogi claims he’s smarter than the average bear, but who do you think knows how to program that VCR? Yours truly.

Jem: So what? Come on, I’m here, anybody want to ask me some questions?

Chuck: Okay, Jem, what have you been up to lately?

Jem: More like what haven’t I been up to lately. It all started a couple of years ago, when Kimber – my lead guitarist and one of my backup singers in the Holograms – got this new CD-ROM of Windows 95. So what does she do? Does she test it on her personal computer? Does she call the electronics store to make sure the disc is okay? No! She puts the freakin’ disc into Synergy’s disc drive – and lo and behold, doesn’t realize that the computer that has been providing the imagery and bookkeeping and other work for the Holograms is an Apple-based computer. We’re talking major crash here.

Chuck: That’s awful.

Jem: That’s only the beginning. The minute Rio found out I was really Jerrica Benton, he dumped me like a bag of noodles and got married to one of the Misfits. With Eric Raymond producing them and Rio and Clash doing those Michael Bolton remakes, the Misfits sold more records than we ever did.

Chuck: So what did you do?

Jem: I got a gig writing theme songs for TV shows. Mostly for the “What A Cartoon” clips on the Cartoon Network, but I recently scored a couple episodes of “Dumb and Dumber – The Series.”

Speed: You really need to get out more Jem I could suggest we take a spin in my Mach V if you don’t mind the fact that it doesn’t have seat belts and its slowest speed is 75 miles per hour what do you say?

Boo Boo: But Mr. Racer, you promised to give me a lift back to my cave.

Speed: That’s no problem I used to put Spreidel and Chim Chim in the trunk it’s big enough for those two stowaways you could fit in there as well Boo Boo.

Boo Boo: Gee, Mr. Racer. I don’t think Yogi would like that.

Jem: 75 miles per hour, did you say?

Speed: In first gear.

Jem: What kind of sound system does it have?

Speed: Well since the car was first manufactured in downtown Kyoto it’s got the best Sony sound system you can imagine with 20-disc CD changer and thunderous speakers that have been known to shake the paint off the cars of the Car Acrobatic Team.

Chuck: Well. Looks like we’re all out of time. So join us in our next issue of Animato! when we’ll meet up with some more animated stars of the past on Chuck Miller’s Round Table.

Jem: What about your girlfriend Trixie? Won’t she be suspicious if I catch a lift home with you?

Speed: No that isn’t a problem she came along with me to the roundtable and so all I have to do is put her in the back trunk with Boo Boo and everything will be just fine as long as I don’t hit too many potholes.

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So whatever happened to the column?

I started working on the next issue’s column, with a cast that included Popeye the Sailor, Eric Cartman, and one of the Knight Sabres from Bubblegum Crisis.  But there was never an issue #41.  Animato! shut down after issue #40, the magazine had sadly run out of funds.

However, I did save a copy of the article in my digital archives.

And now it’s here to share with all of you.

I hope you enjoyed it.