There’s nothing wrong with re-casting a classic television series and re-airing it with new plotlines and new stories and new everything.ย Sometimes it works in ways nobody ever expected – the reboot of the 1970’s Battlestar Galactica, for example, became one of the most popular science fiction shows of the last few years.ย And Star Trek: The Next Generation not only revitalized the Star Trek franchise, it spawned three spinoffs of its own (loved Star Trek: Voyager, had no use for Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, and was sort of meh about Star Trek: Enterprise).ย And currently, the Hawaii Five-O TV series has done quite well for itself, I must say.
But for every show that works, there are dozens that make you want to scratch your head and scream, “Why in the name of Philo T. Farnsworth did anybody think this was a good idea?ย Why?”ย Things like rebooting Fantasy Island with Malcolm McDowell as Mr. Roarke.ย No.ย Or the current Charlie’s Angels reboot that just got cancelled.ย Argh.ย Head hurts.ย Head hurts badly.
And so, I bring to you ten examples of shows that should never have been remade – yet somebody out there thought it was a good idea to attempt it.
THE FUGITIVE
Tim Daly as Dr. Richard Kimble.ย Falsely convicted for the murder of his wife.ย It’s got the original trappings of the 1960’s show – the one-armed man, the relentless pursuit of the police lieutenant obsessed with his capture – but the show just got all murky after a couple of episodes.ย In fact, people chose to watch the other show that premiered that year – some show called CSI: Crime Scene Investigation – which aired an hour later on Friday nights.
ELECTRA WOMAN AND DYNA GIRL
25 years after the original Saturday morning kids’ show aired, the WB network tried to create a reboot of the series. In this updated version, Electra Woman (now played by Markie Post) is a boozing, oversexed former superhero that is brought back to the limelight by one of her biggest fans. Look, if we’re going to get a boozing, oversexed former superhero to play Electra Woman, couldn’t we have at least hired Deirdre Hall for the role?
THE NEW ODD COUPLE
Sometimes a reboot of a classic story works well. When The Odd Couple went from a movie to a play, people wondered if the story would work well if Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau weren’t the primary actors. However, Tony Randall and Jack Klugman were perfect in the role of fastidious Felix Ungar and slobby Oscar Madison. So whose brilliant idea was it to re-do the series… with Ron Glass (Barney Miller) and Demond Wilson (Sanford and Son) as the new roommates?
THE BIONIC WOMAN
The original? Fantastic. Lindsay Wagner really exuded sex appeal and action in her role as former tennis player Jaime Sommers, who in order to save her life after a parachuting accident, was fitted with myoelectric circuitry in her arm, legs and ear. The show worked for a few years. Great. Now … let’s get Michelle Ryan – a British actress who has a hard time effecting an American accent – and re-boot the entire Bionic Woman series. Um… er… NO.
DRAGNET
You know what Dick Wolf is famous for? He’s the producer of all those Law and Order TV shows. So what did he do with this remake of Dragnet? He turned it into, for all intents and purposes, Law and Order – Los Angeles. I should note that at least some episodes feature a pre-Desperate Housewives supporting role from Eva Longoria. If you don’t mind Al Bundy as Joe Friday.
THE NEW AVENGERS IN CANADA
This was essentially a reboot of a reboot. If you remember The Avengers – not the Marvel Comics superhero team, but the British spy-fi series – you recall Patrick MacNee as John Steed, the bowler-wearing secret agent, and his team of eye candy – Honor Blackman, Diana Rigg, Linda Thorson – okay. Now let’s spin the series forward ten years. Patrick MacNee is willing to appear as John Steed in a new Avengers series, but he’s getting kind of old for those action scenes. Now he gets two new partners in Gareth Hunt and Joanna Lumley. This show lasts for about a year, gets dismal ratings – and then someone gets the bright idea of moving the entire series to Canada. I am not kidding. Here’s the proof.
LOVE BOAT: THE NEXT WAVE
Wow, Captain Stubing has hair! Oh wait… that’s Dan Tanna as Captain Stubing… no wait, that’s Spenser for Hire as Captain Stubing… oh wait… oh forget it. Just forget it.
THE NEW PERRY MASON
Meet Monte Markham. Do you know who Monte Markham is? Me neither. But apparently, in 1973, instead of pulling Raymond Burr out of the Ironside wheelchair for a new series of Perry Mason episodes, CBS decided to recast the entire show – with Monte Markham as the crusading attorney. Yeah, you can tell this show didn’t get past a single season.
LAND OF THE LOST
Marshall, Will and Holly… on a routine expedition… oh wait this isn’t the Marshall family… it’s the Powell family, and they’ve landed in that interdimensional world filled with dinosaurs and Sleestaks and God knows what. Someone told me this show lasted about two years on ABC. That’s about one year and eleven months too long, if you ask me. And they couldn’t even ATTEMPT to replicate the classic Pakuni language? Meh.
FAMILY AFFAIR
No, this is not the Brian Keith and Sebastian Cabot family sitcom. This is the one with Gary Cole and Tim Curry in it. Yeah, let’s take the most treacly, sickly sweet sitcom from the 1960’s and remake it with Office Space’s creepy boss – and with Dr. Frank-N-Furter.
There you go.ย So if you’re wondering why that new Charlie’s Angels reboot is completely tanking… be thankful they didn’t greenlight the reboot of Electra Woman and Dyna Girl for a full season run.
Chuck The Writer 
guess I was the only one who liked the new bionic woman…
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I have to add USA Network’s stab at “Kojak” … and I do not say that with any pleasure, since Ving Rhames is a wonderful actor. But putting him in the role Telly Savalas made so iconic? (Actually, “iconic” isn’t even sufficient in that instance.) If the person who ultimately made that decision is still in the television business, it’s reason to shudder.
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