“Turn towards me,” Mrs. Colgate said to me, as she pulled the sterilized dental tools out of their wrappers.
Yep, it’s time for a dental cleaning, and what better time for a dental cleaning than first thing Monday morning. Yep, it’s an 8:00 a.m. appointment at my dental provider, Mohler and Choo, D.D.S.
“You’re doing very well, Mr. Miller,” the dental assistant, Mrs. Colgate, continued. “Those wisdom teeth have to come out at some point, but other than that, I’m very pleased by what I see here. Did you have a good Thanksgiving?”
“Mhmph mmph mm um ummph,” I replied, which was a lot, considering that the dental assistant was rooting around in my mouth with dental cleaning tools.
“Oh, you went to Canada for Thanksgiving?” she replied. “I’ve always wanted to go there, take the husband daughter and have a great vacation up there. Where do you go?”
“Mhmph mmph mm um ummph.”
“Oh, I think Ontario is fascinating. Did you see the CN Tower?”
“Mhmph mmph mm um ummph.”
“Wow, you went all the way to the top? Nice.”
“Mhmph mmph mm um ummph.”
“Oh yes, Miss Brace said she saw you at the Empire State Plaza for the fireworks. Did you get any good pictures?”
“Mhmph mmph mm um ummph.”
“That’s great. So did your pictures win at Altamont this year?”
“Mhmph mmph mm um ummph.”
“Three of them? Great. Now lean forward, take a drink of water, and spit.”
I did as was told. “Wait a minute – how do you know what I was saying?”
“Mr. Miller,” she smiled, “I’ve been a dental assistant for over five years. Every dentist, dental hygienist and dental assistant can speak fingermouth fluently.”
“Fingermouth?”
“Yes, fingermouth. That’s when we’ve got our fingers and our dental tools in your mouth, which prevents your lips from moving properly to speak. It’s not very hard to do.”
“Does everybody hear speak fingermouth?” I asked.
“Watch,” Mrs. Colgate said. She began to clean my upper right teeth. “Miss Brace, could you come in here a second?”
In walked Miss Brace, proof in the world that God does make cute dental hygienists. “Hi, Mr. Miller, how are you doing?”
“Mhmph mmph mm um ummph.”
“Oh yes, I heard you won ribbons at Altamont this year. Congratulations. Which picture did well?”
“Mhmph mmph mm um ummph.”
“Oh, Midnight at the Palace Theater? I love that photo. You should make a print for us here at the dental office.”
“Mhmph mmph mm um ummph.”
“Oh, you noticed my new hairdo? Thank you very much. Funny – you noticed it and my boyfriend didn’t.”
“Mhmph mmph mm um ummph.”
“Aw, that’s sweet. Now I have to go back to my other patient, but you’re in good hands with Mrs. Colgate. Have a nice day, Mr. Miller.”
“Mhmph mmph mm um ummph.”
“Okay, Mr. Miller,” Mrs. Colgate said, removing the tools from my mouth, “rinse and spit.”
I did as was told. “Wow. I had no idea this was possible. How come nobody else knows about this?”
“If they did,” Mrs. Colgate replied, “nobody would ever come to the dentist. They tell us everything and they think that their conversations are completely secure – that nobody, not even their dentist, knows what they really said.”
“Mhmph mmph mm um ummph.”
“The answer to life, the universe and everything is 42, Mr. Miller.”
“Mhmph mmph mm um ummph.”
“Three, Mr. Miller – one to hold the light bulb and two to turn the ladder.”
“Mhmph mmph mm um ummph.”
“The sound of one hand clapping? Sorry, Mr. Miller, I’m your dental clinician, not the Dalai Lama.”
“Mhmph mmph mm um ummph.”
“No, I can’t get you a BELT sandwich, a sour cream doughnut and a diet cola. This is your dental office, not a Tim Hortons in St-Liboire, Quebec.”
Damn, she’s good.
“Now what flavor of polish would you like for your teeth today? We have mint, raspberry and cinnamon.”
“Mhmph mmph mm um ummph.”
“Yes, I remember you didn’t like cinnamon.”
“Mhmph mmph mm um ummph.”
“No, the raspberry doesn’t taste like raspberries.”
“Mhmph mmph mm um ummph.”
“No, I don’t think they make ones that smell like new car interior.”
“Mhmph mmph mm um ummph.”
“Okay, mint it is.”
A few minutes later, I was done.
“Have a nice day, Mr. Miller, and we’ll see you soon.”
“Mhmph mmph mm um ummph.”
“What?”
“Mhmph mmph mm um ummph.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Mr. Miller, you really have to stop mumbling. And smile more. People would love to see you smile.”
Chuck The Writer 
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As a dental hygienist, all I can say is its true. We understand all your mublings. But I will make a correction-the dental assistant does not perform your cleaning, your hygienist does. The dental assistant does just what the name says-assists the dentist in his work (and can sometimes assist the hygienist as well). Not trying to nitpick, but there is a BIG difference in the two jobs.
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“Does everybody hear speak fingermouth?” I asked.
You right reel good.
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