“Number 7, Cheeseburger, No Fries!”

I had some errands to run on Sunday – take some packages to the post office, talk with my tax preparer to get my taxes filed, get a roll of film developed at CVS – little things like that.

So while I was in Colonie Center, feeling mid-afternoon hunger pangs, I decided to go to the Food Court and get something to eat.  Maybe a Neba sandwich at Mr. Subb… or some soup from the Soup Man…

But instead, I chose to eat at Five Guys.  It wasn’t hard for me to make that decision – especially when there was signage for Five Guys everywhere in Colonie Center.  And when I say “everywhere,” I’m talking about Five Guys signs on the walkways, Five Guys signs on the elevator, Five Guys signs on the five guys who passed me on the way to Five Guys.

Okay, I get the hint.  I’m going to get a burger at Five Guys.

I walked in, ordered a burger, fries and a diet cola, paid for my meal, and received receipt #11.  Once my number was called, my meal would be ready.  Simple.

So I waited with a few other people as they checked their receipts, waiting for their burgers and fries.

“NUMBER 5, CHEESEBURGER AND FRIES!!”

I am not typing in capital letters just because I can’t turn off the <CAPS LOCK> key.  The staff at Five Guys shout out the orders with the volume of Eddie Van Halen tuning his guitar.  Someone walked up, showed the burger-server his receipt, and walked out with a paper sack of food.

“NUMBER 6, TWO HOT DOGS!!”

I should probably move a slight bit away from the serving section of Five Guys – the call and scream is starting to affect my delicate hearing.

“NUMBER 7, CHEESEBURGER, NO FRIES!!”

Please just come up and get your meal.

“NUMBER 7, CHEESEBURGER, NO FRIES!!”

Nobody showed up to get the meal.

“NUMBER 7, CHEESEBURGER, NO FRIES!!”

Over and over again, like a CD on repeat-mode.  Or like that Olympia Diner sketch on Saturday Night Live, back when SNL was funny.  Okay, “funny” is a relevant term… Lana Del Rey’s performance this year on SNL was funny…

“NUMBER 7, CHEESEBURGER, NO FRIES!!”

But this is getting annoying.  Other people received their meals – #8, #10, #12 – but #7 was still noticeably absent.  Okay, the person paid for their food, did they have to visit Room 100 or did they have an unscratchable itch to buy something at L.L. Bean?

“NUMBER 7, CHEESEBURGER, NO FRIES!!”

And the servers kept calling this person’s number and order out.  It reminded me of that old novelty song about the guy who pulls up to a drive-through window and tries to order a double cheeseburger, onion rings and a large orange drink…

I’m standing there… I look around.  I could tell that although other customers were either scarfing down their meals or waiting for their deliveries, there was an air of annoyance in the restaurant – that this person possibly ordered their food and then left without getting it, a reverse dine-and-ditch?

“NUMBER 7, CHEESEBURGER, NO FRIES!!”

You know what…

“NUMBER 7, CHEESEBURGER, NO FRIES!!”

If they call it one more time and this doesn’t show up to get their eats…

“NUMBER 7, CHEESEBURGER, NO FRIES!!”

I warned ’em. 🙂

“Excuse me, can I have the attention of everybody in the restaurant please?”

Oh, that’s me shouting.  I shout in italics.

“If you have a moment, please check your receipts.  If you have a receipt with the number 7 on it, you have won a cheeseburger.  It’s in the bag right behind the counter, where I’m pointing.  This meal may or may not come with French fries, I’m not 100% sure on this.  If you don’t pick this meal up within ten minutes, I’m going to claim it and eat it for you.  So please check your receipts, and if it’s your sandwich, please pick it up, and thank you for eating at Five Guys in Colonie Center!”

Okay, I was equally frustrated and snarky at the same time.  And then something happened that I never, ever expected.

The diners and workers at Five Guys all gave me a standing ovation.  Cheers and claps and applause.  A couple of people even shook my hand, saying, “Thanks man, that was fun.”

“Hey,” one of the workers behind the counter said to me, “Would you like a job here?”

“Hey,” another worker said, “Would you like MY job here?”

More laughs.

About five minutes later, the person who ordered #7 – the cheeseburger, no fries – showed up.  It was someone who worked at another store and who had called his order in, but got detained with a last-minute sale.  All went well.

And I got my burger and fries and diet cola.  Yeah, I missed out on the free cheeseburger without fries – like they REALLY would have given it to me 😀 – but at least the food I did eat from Five Guys that afternoon was tasty.

Plus, it broke up what was previously a very monotonous afternoon.