The Little Red Toaster

So I’ve been in this apartment for a year and a half now.  I’ve added various homey accoutrements, everything from a microwave to a nightstand.

Yesterday, I added a little red toaster.

Mind you, the fact that I’ve actually invested in a toaster should not be earth-shattering news.  I mean, it’s a TOASTER, for crying out loud.  I can make TOAST with it.  And maybe drop in a few Freihofer’s Corn Toasties (mmm) or some sliced bagels (yum) or maybe some challah-sliced bread for toast (l’chaim!).

And yeah, I know that it’s branded as a Sunbeam toaster, but you know and I know that all those classic brand names of the past, including Sunbeam, are just trademarked names that are plastered on generic products.  But you know what?  It’s kinda comforting to see the name Sunbeam on the side of a kitchen appliance – at least it’s a Sunbeam toaster and not an Exxon toaster or a Packard Bell toaster.

Besides, it’s better than the toaster I owned previously.

During my married days, my wife Vicki owned a toaster.  It was a Sanyo model, and it worked well enough to make decent toast.

Well… there was ONE distinctive thing about this toaster.

Yep… it made Panda Bear toast.

Apparently Sanyo made several different toasters, each with a special built-in insert that browns the toast so that a cartoon image appears in silhouette. In addition to a panda bear toaster, there’s also a Hello Kitty toaster… and I think they’re also responsible for a Cylon toaster.

Oh, did I happen to mention that there’s a Hello Kitty toaster as well?  By the way, if I could figure out the reason why there’s such a maniacal devotion to Hello Kitty…

And then there’s a toaster that two inventors from Vermont have created – a toaster that prints the image of the Son of God onto your morning toast. That’s right… if you ever thought you saw the Messiah in your breakfast food, it’s probably because your bread was prepared with the Jesus Toaster!!

Now I don’t know about you, but I kinda prefer my toaster to do the following – toast my bread.  I don’t need it to burn the image of Mickey Mouse into my whole grain whole wheat slice, and I certainly don’t need it to play “It’s A Small World” after it finishes toasting my bread.  But apparently there actually IS a toaster that does this.

And I guess there’s two different versions of the Mickey Mouse toaster… this one lets you know the toast is done by playing the theme from the Mickey Mouse Club.

Let’s follow that up with a “Cinderella” toaster – that, upon finishing its toasting duties, will play a few bars of the Flower Waltz from Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Suite!

Surprisingly, with all these funky toasters out there… how come nobody ever put together a toaster that resembles this guy?

Um… that last commercial hasn’t aged as well as one would hope.

But in any case, I’m happy with my new toaster, and I plan to use it as often as possible.

And as long as it just browns my bread, and doesn’t put any trademark logos or cartoon characters on it, I’ll be happy.

Oh… and one more thing.

Please join Stephanie Snyder, Jason Purvis and me for the first ever Times Union Community Bloggers Minigolf Tournament. We’re golfing to raise money for various charities, and you can donate to our charities by visiting this page.. Then join us on May 12, when we take on the miniature golf course at FunPlex Fun Park in East Greenbush. We’re going to have a good time, and we encourage you to join us! FORE!!!