The Midnight Conference

Silence in a small apartment in Albany County.  And then… motion. Movement.

	Okay, he’s asleep.  The coast is clear.  Man, can he snore.  How he doesn’t keep the Town and Village up all night is completely beyond me.  All right, I gotta get everybody ready.  ALL CAMERAS, EMERGENCY MEETING IN THE LIVING ROOM!
	I’m here, I’m here, what’s going on?  Gotta give me a minute, I’m not as spry as I used to be.
	Take your time, Rolls.  I gotta wait for the rest of the crew to show up.  Man, he never sleeps.  And if he does, if he sleeps for 90 minutes it’s like an eternity.  Come on guys, where’s the rest of you?
	I’m here, Dee.  Ready to go.
	Great, F-Loo.  And where’s Emmie?  Emmie, come on, we gotta get this done.
	I’m here already.  Come on, man, I was out all last night.
	Yes I know.  It’s about the only time he uses you, is when you’re doing those long exposure star trails.  Bullseye?  Clipper?  Where are you two?
	Oh man, what time is it?  I need to get a few more winks.
	Me too.  What is it, 12 in the morning?
	No time for that now.  Everybody needs to get together right now.  This is not a drill.  I repeat – this is NOT a drill!
	All right then, if this is so important, where’s the old hot rod?  Where’s the Chief?
	Are you calling me old? Listen, you piece of junk, I’m not the one with more leaks than a ballpoint pen in a washing machine…
	Hey, you want some of me, you old box camera – why don’tcha go back to Bing-HAMP-ton where you came from!
	That’s BING-ham-ton, you Kodak reject, the “P” is silent.
	Yeah, kinda wish you were silent, too.  And what’s with the flame job anyway, did you want to get reincarnated as the hood on a dragster?
	Oh yeah like you should talk.  You’re the worst thing to come out of Rochester since Tom Golisano.
	Okay, that’s enough out of the two of you.  This is important.  We don’t have time for fooling around.
	Let me at him.  One more word out of you and I’ll make you as obsolete as that Kodachrome you used to shoot with!
	Bring it on, Grandpa.  When’s the last time you could get 616 film anywhere but eBay, anyways?  At least I can shoot other films, you piece of junk…
	STOP IT, BOTH OF YOU!
	He started it!
	No, you started it!
	And I’m ending it!!  Damn, the two of you fighting like this.  This is why we’re having problems.  Damn it, we’re still missing cameras.  Where’s Holga and Kowa?
	Hold on, did I miss something?  Had to stop for a moment and put my backplate back in, it was falling out.
	Man, you’re always late.  Are cheap toy cameras always as delinquent and as undependable as you?
	Listen to who’s talking.  At least Chuck actively sought me out.  You only came into our lives when Chuck found you on a dusty table at an antiques show.  And if it weren’t for the fact that you were only $15 and looked like 20 miles of bad road, Chuck would have cut you loose like the ancient piece of scrap metal crap that you are.
	That’s big talk coming from a toy camera.
	I’m not a toy.  I’ll have you know that I’m an artistic photographic device.
	Big deal.  You’re the “artistic photographic device” that every flannel-wearing PBR-drinking hipster owns before he upgrades to a Lomo or a Diana.  There isn’t anything you can do that someone can’t do with Instagram and an iPhone, plastic boy.
	At least Chuck USES me.  When’s the last time he ever used you?  You’re not even the best 616 camera in Chuck’s arsenal!
	You want to start something?  We can step outside and finish this, plastic boy.
	ENOUGH WITH THE TWO OF YOU!!!
	He started it!
	Plastic boy started it!
	Grow up.  Okay, we’ve got everybody here… okay.  Everyone, repeat our motto.   Meum decus, enitar, ut imagines et optima posse, ac semper operam quocumque casu. Lorem deos numquam natus sum canonicus. Okay.  Let’s discuss our business.
	Excuse me, please, but I do not understand.  What is going on in this room?
	Oh yeah, I forgot.  Everybody, this is one of the new guys, the Kowa Super 66.  He’s not used to our meetings.
	Thank you.  I still do not understand,why are we all in this room talking while Mr. Miller is sound asleep?
	We don’t need him to find out that all us cameras can talk to each other.  Humans don’t need to know this.
	So what’s up, my brother?  Why the emergency meeting?
	Well, now that I have ALL of your attention… you may have noticed that our owner has been going through some problems of late.
	Dee, you know it’s not just that.  I gotta say something.
	Okay, Rolls, the floor is yours.
	Since about maybe the past year, Chuck’s gone through some rough times.  Really rough times.  He’s been worried about his daughter – she was in a fire last week and burned her hand.  He’s been trying to deal with losing at some of those photo competitions … and really all he has left is us.
	Wait a minute – we’re having a meeting because Chuck’s feeling blue?  News flash – we’re not the cheer squad.  We’re cameras, we’re inanimate objects, we don’t have feelings and we don’t have emotional attachments!
	And yet here we are at this meeting, right F-Loo?
	Well – so what?
	Okay, let me try to explain. Even in Chuck’s darkest, deepest days, he has found solace in using us for various photo projects.  It’s almost like if he concentrates on taking a great picture, if he concentrates on doing something special with us, it takes his mind off the pain in his life.  It keeps the demons at bay.
	I’m with F-Loo, why is this a problem? He uses us, we take great pictures, everything’s simple.
	Well, lately we haven’t been doing our job.  And Chuck’s not shy about doing something about it.  Do you see the Revere camera anywhere?
	Didn’t Chuck leave him in the car?
	No.  Chuck left him in the Troy Photo Center, because Chuck was tired of the camera’s backplate popping open and exposing all his film.  Every time Revere did that, it cost Chuck money in wasted film.
	Maybe Chuck should have added some Velcro to its sides, like he did with me.
	Yeah, and… Holga, you’re on thin ice as well. Every time Chuck uses you, he has to wrap you in electrical tape and Velcro, and then after that you seem to develop light leaks all over the place.  Chuck tapes up the light leaks, you create new ones.
	Aw, you’re gonna get on my case about that?
	Told ya, plastic boy.
	Clipper… don’t start anything. You’re no saint, either. The only time Chuck ever uses you is with that “single shot half shot” gimmick, and even then you’re sharing the exposures with the Chief.
	Oh come on, Mr. High and Mighty Nikon. We all know that Chuck loves you Nikons, that you Nikons can’t do anything wrong, you’re all privileged, you get to ride in the camera bags while we end up laying around in the back seat of the car.
	That’s not true.  He appreciates every one of us.
	Yeah man, as long as you’re a Nikon.  Anybody else, unless we can do something super special, we’re just decorations.  Heck, even Emmie gets some use.  I can take better star trail pictures than Emmie.  And then he’s gotta burn off 35 photographs out of Emmie’s roll just to get the film ready for developing.
	You’re completely missing the point.  That’s not why we’re having this conference.
	Okay, then why are we here?
	We have to stop fighting amongst ourselves.  We all want to be Chuck’s top camera, and we want to give him the best quality pictures.  And even when we do our best – and when he’s proud of what we’ve taken for him – when our pictures don’t win in competitions, he gets depressed.  And I know he doesn’t blame us – he always blames himself, that he didn’t compose the picture properly, or that he didn’t use the right film, a hundred reasons.
	I don’t understand, what does that have to do with us?
	Kowa, you weren’t here when Chuck had some other cameras – a Kiev-19 and a Nikkormat FTn.
	Yeah.  Those were Chuck’s first 35-millimeter film cameras.  The Red Special and the Blue Special, he called them.  He even added new leather to them.
	And you remember what happened to them?  They let him down during his Kodachrome shooting phase.  The Kiev-19 froze up,  trapping a roll of Kodachrome inside on the final day of shooting.  And the Nikkormat didn’t advance the film properly, and he lost an entire roll of film that he thought he shot at that llama farm in Altamont.
	You mean… that’s the reason he got rid of them?
	He said it was because he acquired F-Loo.
	Yeah, me.  F-Loo. The F100.
	He said he didn’t need three 35mm shooters in his house.  But I keep thinking that the moment he loses confidence in a camera, then that’s the day he gets rid of it.  And that’s why the Ansco Cadet he found in an antique store in Schenectady isn’t around any more.  Notice that?
	Yeah, didn’t Chuck give the Ansco to a film student at one of the county fairs last year?
	Yes he did.  But that’s not the point.  He thought that the Revere would be his new primary 127 shooter, and that he didn’t need the Ansco Cadet any more.  And what happens after he donates the Ansco?  That metal-britches Revere popped open and exposed a whole roll of 127 film.  Swift.  And he hasn’t found a decent 127 shooter since.
	Um… excuse me.  Could you please tell me what is currently going on?
	Oh, sorry.  Everybody, this is the newest camera in the arsenal.  A Kodak Vest Pocket Autographic.
	It is a pleasure to greet all of you.
	What do you shoot, Autographic?
	I am capable of shooting that which is designated as vest pocket film.
	Do you mean 127 film?
	I believe that is the definition of the standard roll.
	When were you manufactured?
	I was crafted in the year of our Lord one thousand nine hundred and seventeen.  My home factory was in Rochester, New York, and I served some years overseas in the Great War.
	Great.  We got a camera here who thinks Downton Abbey is a current events show.
	Knock it off, Clipper.  I was manufactured in that same plant.
	Oh, excuse me, Bullseye.  Another product from Rochester.  (cough cough) I tell you these Kodaks all think they’re the greatest thing since Eastman met Land.
	See, this is what happens around here.  We start bickering with each other instead of working toward taking better pictures.  We need to be able to produce fantastic images every time.
	Thank you, Rolls.  About time someone agreed with me on this.
	I am sorry, but – you, the camera with the colored strap –
	Yes.
	Where do you put your film?  I do not see a back door or a red window on your chassis.
	I’m a digital camera.  A Nikon D700 digital camera.
	Oh… so does that mean that you take pictures of digits?  Like fingers and numbers?
	Oh my God that was so funny!  HA HA HA HA HA HA!!  I think Bullseye said the same thing when he joined our camera group.
	I did not!  I have more sense than that!!
	Man, what is it about the educational system in Rochester that produces dumb cameras?
	It’s better than the education in Bing-HAMP-ton.
	The “P” is silent!
	Go eat a Speidie!!
	Go eat a garbage plate!
	ENOUGH!!!
	Fingers and numbers… he he he… that is kinda funny…
	So here’s what we have to do.  All of us.  We have to come up with a new and unique and different image, creations and visions that haven’t been previously achieved.  Every one of us.  And we’re going to start with you, Clipper.
	Me?  I’ve already got half a roll in my chassis as it is.
	Good.  Chuck’s got a photo-pen-pal overseas.   After he takes half the pictures with you, he’s going to send you and the film inside you to New Zealand and the other photographer will shoot pictures with you.  Got it?
	New Zealand?
	Yes, New Zealand.
	Cool.  “Take me to the April Sun in Cuba… whoa oh oh… Take me where the April sun’s gonna treat me so right…”
	You’re not going to Cuba.  I said you were going to New Zealand.
	It’s a song by Dragon.  Dragon’s a New Zealand rock band.  Chuck has some of their songs on a CD, haven’t you heard him singing in the car with them?
	Yes, I’ve heard him singing in the car.
	We’ve all heard him singing in the car.  Guy couldn’t carry a tune in a basket.
	You’re not helping things.  All right, Kowa, Rollei, you’re Chuck’s medium format square cameras.  Your job will be to capture some images that he can use in those “Dream Window” collages of his.
	So why us?  Why not the 35mm cameras?
	Because you two can produce 6×6 square pictures.  If you blow them up, you can create an entire panel for a “Dream Window.”  And there’s plenty of those old Queen Anne windows out there that have the tiny 4×4 squares, your pictures will fit perfectly there.  Take the Autographic with you, he can shoot those smaller vest pocket photos.
	Excuse me sir, would I be allowed to participate if I use my interchangeable backs on this project?
	Yeah, as long as you can do it without leaking light.
	Excuse me sir, but you have my word on it.  I was professionally cleaned before I came to this place.
	So what about me?
	Chuck was successful a couple of years ago by cramming two films into one camera and exposing them at the same time.  You think you can do it?
	Hang on, man, I’m a 620 shooter.  Don’t you need to have someone with a larger frame than me?  Like maybe the Orange County Chopper camera?
	Ha.  I’ve DONE the splitfilm.  Now it’s your turn, Cheap-dak.
	You wanna start something, grandpa?
	I SAID KNOCK IT OFF!
	One more word out of him and I’ll bash him right in his bakelite!
	Calm down Chief… I have an idea for you.  There’s someone on line who’s selling 70-millimeter paper-backed film right now.  I want to see what you’re capable of when you have some fresh color film in you.
	70-millimeter?
	It’s 616 film, Chief.  Stop worrying.
	Okay, I guess…
	No, we don’t have time to “guess.”  We have to get this right.  F-Loo.
	Yeah, Dee?
	Chuck’s expecting a roll of 35mm film from someone as part of a film exchange photo project.  And he has to send a roll to someone else.  You gotta take some decent shots – and underexpose them by at least one step, because the film will get double-exposed by another shooter.
	Will that work?
	That’s why we’re doing this.  Chuck’s the experimenter when it comes to camera equipment.  He’s putting his energy into getting good pictures, and the least we can do is get them done correctly for him.
	What about me?
	There’s a new moon coming up very soon.  Chuck’s got you designated as his star trail camera.  You know he’s been trying to capture the perfect star trail for ages, right?
	That’s why he has me.
	Then give him a reason to shine.
	Wait wait wait… you’ve been telling all of US what to do.  What are YOU going to do, Mr. High and Mighty Nikon?
	Honestly…  I don’t know right now.  I don’t.  But no matter what I do, no matter what all of us do, we have to be the constant in Chuck’s world.  When everybody else has kicked him to the curb, we can’t let him down.
	I understand.
	Yeah, me too.
	You speak the truth.  Hey, what should I wear when I go to New Zealand?
	How about a sign that says, “Will take pictures for food”? HA HA HA HA HA!!
	All right then, we’re in agreement.  For all of us with interchangeable lenses, I’ll pass the information on to the Guild of Lenses and the Brotherhood of Film.  Let’s all work together and not let anything go wrong.  This is our chance to shine.  I know you can all do a great job.
	Hey guys, nix, nix, Chuck’s waking up.
	Now?  He’s waking up now?  Come on, can’t this guy sleep to the sunrise?  Okay, meeting over.  Everybody get back to your shelves.  NOW!  And don’t forget what I said.  I mean it.
	Hey, Dee?
	(sigh) what is it now, Clipper?
	Um… I know we can be a bit of a hassle at times.  But… I want to thank you for this meeting.  I guess we really let our egos get in the way of doing what we were built to do – take great pictures. So… from all of us… Thanks, Dee.
	You’re welcome, Clipper. Oh crap, he’s waking up. Hurry!

Oh man, what an awful dream I had. Urgh. I have to stop eating those Greekburgers at Gus’s before going to bed. OUCH – oh great, my new Kowa Super 66 must have fallen off the shelf.  Nice time to bump it with my toe. That’s going to hurt. Okay, pick up the Kowa and put it on its shelf…

You know what?  I’m going to take the day off today.  I’ll grab some cameras and go photograph something.  Anything.  I’ll just get a drink of water to soothe my stomach, and go back to bed.  Let’s see, I’ll take the D700, the Chief, the Clipper, the F100, maybe the Kowa and the Rollei and this new hundred-year-old camera I got from eBay.

And as soon as the sun rises, I’m on the road.