Verizon’s new $700 iPhone

The other day, I gave my cell phone carrier, Verizon Wireless, a call about some issues with my cell phone bill.  Nothing major, certainly nothing blog-worthy.

And then, I just made an off-handed comment about how I’m glad I was grandfathered into the “unlimited data” package from a while back.  And that someday, I’ll trade in this BlackBerry I have for maybe an iPhone or a Galaxy Nexus or something that can do 37 different things – including making phone calls.

That’s when the Verizon customer service rep dropped a surprise on me.

Not a good surprise.

“Well, Mr. Miller, we’re trying to do away with the unlimited data plans.  Actually, if you sign up for a new iPhone with a two-year data plan, you won’t have unlimited data any more.  You’ll have to pay for your data use, depending on how much you use.”

Oh really?  You think that’s happening?  Chuck says that’s not happening.  Chuck has unlimited data.  You promised Chuck unlimited data.  Full unlimited data. I guess the Redchecks didn’t get the message that I was grandfathered in when Verizon did one of their little “we’re changing our data plans and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it, so just close your eyes and Rue Brittania.”  I guess my Hamilton College buddy and WHCL alum Mark “Zip” Pisani was right all along, that Verizon would indeed pull some underhanded stunt like this.

“Oh, we did away with the unlimited plan a while back.  In fact, we’re trying to get everybody to switch to the tiered payment plans,” she said.

Uh… well…

“Well, Mr. Miller, we do have an option if you want to keep your unlimited data plan.”

And what might that be?

“Well, you’re currently not in a two-year contract with us.  So if you were to purchase an iPhone and stay out of the two-year contract, you would keep your unlimited data plan.”

Sounds simple enough.

“You do realize, Mr. Miller, you’ll have to purchase the iPhone at full retail price.”

Full retail price, what’s that, $200 for an iPhone 5?  I can handle that.

“Actually, Mr. Miller, full retail price for a 16g iPhone 5, with tax, will only cost you, with tax, seven hundred dollars.”

Seven… hundred… dollars?

“And it has to be a Verizon-brand iPhone.  You can’t just purchase any iPhone out there.  It has to work with our carrier network.  And we have to make sure that the phone isn’t a customer’s lost or stolen iPhone, because we can’t turn that phone on for you if that’s the case.”

Okay, so if I go to the Apple Store and purchase an iPhone directly from them –

“You could do that, but it needs to be a Verizon iPhone.”

And how do I tell an Apple iPhone from a Verizon iPhone?

“Oh, you can’t.  We don’t put any identifying marks on our phones like that.  Apple won’t allow us to do that.  So you’re just going to have to purchase the iPhone directly from us.”

Wow.

“And actually, I’m just looking over your past usage on your BlackBerry, Mr. Miller, and it doesn’t even look like you go over a gigabyte of data in an entire month.  From what we can see, you don’t really need that unlimited data plan, if you want we can take that off and you can simply pay for your data usage when you get your new iPhone.  Now would you like your iPhone in black or white?”

Hold on, Redcheck.  Let me get this straight.

Verizon is telling me that although I do have a lifetime guarantee for unlimited data on my cell phone – a guarantee that was provided by Verizon itself – that guarantee is voided if I upgrade to a new phone with a two-year contract, a phone that would actually benefit from my using unlimited data.  And if I get the two-year contract, then I have to pay for additional gigabytes of data per month. Or I can just stick with my little old BlackBerry and never upgrade.  Verizon’s going for the old “ABC’s.”  You know what ABC stands for?  “Anybody But Chuck.”

Congratulations, Verizon. You’ve now completely leapfrogged over Time Warner Cable, OnStar, Chilly Day Credit Card Company, August Cove Resorts and Rocky Mountain Film Lab on my list of the most customer-unfriendly organizations.  As Casey Kasem might say, “The new number one company on our survey today is Verizon Wireless, with their cover of the New Edition classic, ‘Mr. Telephone Man.'”

So you’re going to play this game, eh?  You’re going to lie to me, you’re going to stab me in the back and laugh while I bleed all over the floor?  Jeez, if you’re going to hurt me like that, at least we should have gotten married.  Har.  You know, I wouldn’t have gone with Verizon if my ex-wife hadn’t signed us up for the plan.  I would have gone with Cingular or MCI or Nextel or one of those other REAL telecommunications companies.  But yeah, if you’re going to treat me like this, maybe it’s like we’re married.  Yeah, all our friends could have given us wedding favors of Verizon gift cards and ring tones and –

That’s right.  Light bulb went on.  Gift cards.  That’s brilliant.

Verizon wants to play games?  So can I.  He he he he…

So here’s the plan.  Verizon Wireless offers gift cards, and you can use those gift cards to purchase Verizon Wireless products.  And that would include iPhones.

Now obviously I don’t have $700 in my back pocket to just throw at Verizon to get an iPhone.

But I can do the old “Christmas Club” plan, where I purchase a Verizon Wireless gift card every so often – nothing major, just a $25 card or a $10 card – until I have enough cards in a deck, maybe 52 in all – and then I’ll wait.

I’ll wait for one of two things – the day when Verizon announces the distribution of a new iPhone 6; or the day when all the shoppers visit the mall for their Black Friday purchases.

I’ll show up.  I’ll wait in line.  With a deck of Verizon Wireless gift cards, shuffling them like I’m a dealer at Binion’s Horseshoe.  Heck, I’ll even announce the date and location on my blog, so that all of you can come and watch what will become the world’s longest iPhone purchase transaction.

Because I will make the cashier ring out all the gift cards, one by one – EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM – until I’ve redeemed enough cards to earn an iPhone.

And I don’t care if I hold up the line.  And I don’t care if the cashier gets frustrated having to take all this time to run every single card through.

See, Verizon, you gotta understand.  I want to work with you.  I want to have a decent relationship with my telephone service provider.  But honestly, it’s a really, really bad idea to mess with me.  Just ask Rocky Mountain Film Lab and August Cove Resorts.

Honestly, I could stay with my BlackBerry phone and be happy.  But you made the cardinal sin of treating me – one of your customers – like I was worthless.  Like I was just another money pot for you.

Trust me.  We’ll see each other later this year.  I’ll bring the deck of cards.  You bring the iPhone.  I don’t care if it’s white or black – heck, maybe you should custom-build me a cobalt-blue iPhone.

Oh, and Verizon Wireless?  One more thing…

CAN YOU ING HEAR ME NOW???