So what’s been going on with our plain and simple folk of late? Well, Esther’s been having some major problems with her boyfriend, to the point where her brother John had to beat the snot out of the guy. Actually, it was one of the best episodes of the series.
Wait… what do you mean you missed that episode of “Amish Mafia”?
Oh yeah… that was an episode that was NOT FILMED IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS.
I shall explain. My fellow Amish Mafia media fan and recapper, Julia Hatmaker, has reported that one of the reasons John Schmucker may have been dealing with the law of late is that he tried to stop Esther’s real-life boyfriend, rapper I’Mir Williams, from beating her up.
As a special treat, here’s Williams, who goes by the rapping nickname Mirkat, freestyling for you.
Apparently some of the freestyling in this video did not include the claim to “chop her into pieces and throw her in the garbage can.” But that’s apparently the language that caused Esther Freeman Schmucker to file several protection orders against Mirkat. Eventually, it was reported that Mirkat and John Schmucker had a fight, and Esther later dropped the protection orders or let them lapse. No word on whether Lebanon Levi or Jolin or Big Steve or anyone else helped, shall we say, to negotiate a breakup.
I guess Esther should try to study her own dating tips. You think?
http://snagplayer.video.dp.discovery.com/834478/snag-it-player.htm?auto=no
Okay, give me a second here. I’m putting away my keyboard o’snark and I want to talk about something.
Domestic abuse is wrong. It’s wrong under any circumstances. If you feel that your life is in so much danger that you have to get a protective order, then you need to walk away from this relationship. This isn’t a joke. This isn’t funny. No one should ever feel fear or worry or fist-clenching anger in any relationship. And there are so many programs out there – both for the abuser and the abused – to make things better in your life. Take advantage of the existence of these programs. Save your life. Don’t let it get thrown away. And I don’t care who’s at fault. If a relationship has degraded to this point, either walk away or get help.
All clear?
Great. Now let me get my keyboard o’smack connected again. Yep, lights are on, here we go.
All right, now it’s time for a recap of this week’s episode of Amish Mafia. And as always, the Amish Church disavows the existence of the Amish Mafia. It also says that if any of the AM Force are captured, the secretary will also disavow their existence. This buggy will self-destruct in five seconds.
Okay, 22 seconds. Damn, Alvin… Did you work on the special effects crew on a Michael Bay movie in a prior life?
Wayne’s still waiting for Merlin to pay the debt for Wayne helping to get Merlin un-shunned. And Merlin hasn’t paid Wayne yet. So Wayne’s going to get his hands dirty. And by “dirty,” I mean that Wayne’s mixing up a pile of dirt, water and horse manure. Stir well. Aerate when necessary.
And just as Merlin happens to be walking down the road – walking, mind you, not driving his car or driving a buggy or anything like that – walking as if there wasn’t a care in the world for him – walking without any happenstance as to what might happen to him – Wayne rides by in his buggy and dumps the manure right in Merlin’s face. Don’t believe me? Watch.
It’s too easy to figure this out. What the hell is Merlin doing walking down the street? Is he going to the grocery? Is he getting some exercise? Is he contemplating his existence? Does he have the words “Dump manure on me” written on his back in Pennsylvania Dutch script? And he’s walking down the street – and being filmed by a Discovery Channel camera person as he’s doing so, wouldn’t he expect that Wayne might come by and provide him with a mixture of animal fertilizer right in the face?
Back in Paradise, Jolin’s still dealing with Crazy Freeman running around Paradise and causing trouble. Levi and Jolin both want Freeman out of the area. They think he’s possessed. You mean that that Amish Exorcism that Freeman had a few episodes ago didn’t take? And a little gossip to eliminate any issues… they could tell everybody that Freeman was seen with devil horns and a forked tail… he’s about as devilish as Underwood ham.
And it looks like Merlin’s going through a panic attack. He’s not even talking to the cameraman who keeps asking him where he’s going. And apparently Merlin’s going to take a trip to South Dakota to get his head screwed on straight. And while Merlin’s gone… Wayne’s coming to collect the Ohio version of Amish Aid in Merlin’s absence. Or, as Wayne refers to it… the money that’s due him after Merlin broke his promise.
Meanwhile, Alvin’s still trying to redeem himself after his Florida arrest. So Levi sends Alvin out on an assignment – to stop an Englishman who’s selling fake Amish quilts. And after a few tenuous moments, Alvin agrees to take the assignment. And once Alvin runs up against the fake Amish quilt seller, he pours some fluids on the quilts and burns them. I guess Alvin has a pyromania fetish. He’s already burned down Lancaster County’s supply of green corn in the first season of Amish Mafia, and now he’s taking his frustration out on a set of quilts.
Now that Jolin and Caleb have spread enough gossip about how evil Freeman is – considering the town already knows this, since people have come to Levi in the past to complain about Freeman – now it’s time to talk to Esther and get things straightened out there. And they do so. With spraypaint cans on the Schmucker house. Oh, that’s really going to look good on the side of Esther’s quilt blatz. You’ve got Alvin destroying machine-made quilts, and Jolin and Caleb are spraypainting the business of hand-made quilts. At this rate, I’m just going to purchase an electric blanket at the local Walmart.
Meanwhile, Caleb is trying to get him a nice blonde Amish girl. And we get this week’s lesson on Amish religious intolerance. See, Caleb is a member of the Brethren, and Amish fathers don’t want their daughters dating outside of the faith. I would make a reference to the old TV show Bridget Loves Bernie, but nobody younger than 50 would understand. Still, Caleb and this Amish girl – who I guess is the bishop’s daughter – decide to go down to the ol’ swimming hole. And there he goes, tossing the daughter of a bishop into the pond. Slick move, Caleb. Is that how those Beverly Lewis Amish romance novels start out?
And now it’s time for Wayne to get together his own Amish Mafia group in Merlin’s absence. And he’s got six or seven axe-swingers all ready to go. They’re the lumberjacks and they’re okay, they sleep all night and they work all day… Hey, could these guys get their own spinoff show on the History Channel? Amish Ax Men? Yeah, maybe they could film an episode with Shelby Stanga in the Louisiana bayou… or maybe not.
So meanwhile there’s this little issue of who’s going to deal with Freeman. Levi tells Esther that she should accompany him to the local Ascension Day festival, and if she does so, people will see that she is in good standing and is not as possessed as everybody thinks Freeman is. Because, as we all know, possession by the devil can spread from family to family, just like cooties in kindergarten.
In case you’re wondering, this is being filmed at around the time of Ascension Day 2013. And besides the fact that Ascension Day is the time when Jesus rose into Heaven, it’s also a time when the Amish community can have fun and play baseball and horseshoes and tug-of-war. Don’t believe me? Take a looksee.
http://snagplayer.video.dp.discovery.com/835895/snag-it-player.htm?auto=no
It’s also an opportunity for Levi to operate some pig-race betting, and for everybody to see that Esther is sitting next to Levi and that she is under his protection.
Meanwhile, Merlin is on his way to the Amish rehab center in McCook County, South Dakota. With all the stuff that’s gone on with him of late, it took Wayne dumping a pile of watered-down manure on him to send Merlin over the edge. And we get scenes of Merlin getting tissue massages and bathing in the river and a re-purification. Great. Merlin went to an Amish day spa. Nice move.
Meanwhile, Wayne and the Amish Axemen have discovered that someone may have been poisoning the trees in their forest. And rather than go down to the local 84 Lumber store and purchase lumber from the English, Wayne and his woodchoppers have no choice but to cut down the infected trees before they spread their infection to the rest of the forest. You know… like cooties in kindergarten.
And what of Alan Beiler, the schwarz Amish who saw his chicken coop get destroyed in last week’s episode? Well, he pulled a page out of Lebanon Levi’s book. He went and snitched to the local bishop. Showed the bishop the accounting information from Levi’s covert maple syrup operation. Talked of other sins and transgressions that the bishop probably already knew about, but had previously looked the other way.
Alvin’s still on his “fight and destroy” mode, and we see him stopping a Peeping Tom – and, in the process, Alvin fire-bombs the guy’s buggy. And if you’ve seen the explosion – it’s in one of the embedded clips above – you can tell that Alvin has some serious knowledge of fireworks and detonation. This wasn’t just an “I’m destroying your buggy” move. This was an “I’m destroying your buggy and walking in slow motion so that the Discovery Channel can play some seriously dramatic ‘The Hills Have Eyes’ music while your buggy goes KA-BOOM!” move.
Caleb, on the other hand, is having some difficult times. It’s his job to collect the money from people for the Amish Aid, and now the people aren’t giving Caleb the money. They’re calling Lebanon Levi vain, and are refusing to pay. And this information is spreading throughout the Amish community in South Central Pennsylvania like – say it with me – cooties in kindergarten.
And we still have this issue with Freeman. And just when we most expect it, a white van shows up, two Amish men come out, and wrap Freeman up in a straitjacket and toss him in the van, hauling him away. Probably sending him to that same Amish rehab facility that Crazy Dave is camped at. Bet those two will have lots to talk about.
And when John hears that Freeman has been captured, he goes nuts. He breaks things in the house. Esther runs for her life. John searches for his gun, because John wants to take out the one person who he thinks is responsible for Freeman’s capture – Lebanon Levi King Stoltzfus. Heck, he even remembers that he’s on a reality TV show, and threatens the cameraman. Ooh, big bad John Schmucker. Scared of you. Not.
Great. Another person who wants Lebanon Levi dead. Get in line, John. You have to wait your turn, because Merlin and Alan Beiler and the Lancaster County police and District Attorney Stephen Breit all want their pound of flesh.
Next week – yet ANOTHER person wants to take down Lebanon Levi. Another person? I haven’t seen this many adversaries on a television series since the days of Batman.
That’s it for now. See you next week.
Chuck The Writer 
Alvin did not burn the quilts he poured hog Urine on them (only 1 of the 2 bottles he brought) and left the 2nd there
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