Which survey category are you?

I see these all the time in my Facebook feed – my friends have taken an online survey to find out what television character they most resemble, or what literary character is the best representative of their future, etc.

It’s funny, though… I try filling out these online surveys, and I get starkly different answers than everybody else.

For example…

• I filled out the “What Big Bang Theory character are you?” and it said I was the white information card at the end of every show, the one you see after the credits.
• I filled out the “What Doctor Who villain are you?” survey, and it said I was Stephen Moffatt.
• I filled out the “What literary character are you?” survey, and it said I was Seymour Glass.  I hope it’s the “Hapworth 16, 1924” Seymour Glass and not the “A Perfect Day for Bananafish” Seymour Glass.
• I filled out the “Which National Public Radio show are you?” and it said I was the part of the show where the announcer tells what corporations and charitable trusts sponsored the program.
• I filled out the “What punctuation mark best describes your life?” survey, and it said I was a schwa. You know, I was an ə. That weird punctuation mark that looks like a lower-case “e” that someone tipped over.
• I filled out the “What baseball player are you?” survey, and it said I was Tanner Boyle.  Yep, complete with “Chico’s Bail Bonds” jersey and all.
• I filled out the “What Game of Thrones character are you?” and it tried to tell me who I was, but that character had been killed off between the time I took the survey and the time the survey results were posted.
• I filled out the “What Capital Region landmark are you?” survey, and it said I was Central Warehouse.
• I filled out the “What 70’s sitcom character are you?” survey, and it said I was Richard Nixon.
• I filled out the “What local radio station are you?” survey, and it said I was the Thruway hazard station on 1610 AM that robotically reports traffic accidents that are 150 miles away from my current location.
• I filled out the “What amusement park ride are you?” survey, and it said I was a park bench.
• I filled out the “What Capital District city are you?” survey, and it said I was Elnora.  Really?  Elnora?  There’s a place in the Capital District called Elnora?
• I filled out the “What Star Wars character are you?” survey, and it said I was one of the residents of Alderaan.
• I filled out the “What Watchmen character are you?” survey, and it said I was Dollar Bill.  You know, the one who died when he tried to stop a bank robbery and his cape got caught in the bank’s rotating door?
• I filled out the “What political figure are you?” survey, and it said I was Jim Coyne.  Oh, come on now…
• I filled out the “What Peanuts character are you?” survey, and it said I was the football that Lucy kept pulling away from Charlie Brown.  Good grief.
• I filled out the “What Chuck Miller blog commenter are you?” survey, and it said I was D357.  Really?  Seriously?
• Finally, I filled out the “What is the age when you will die?” survey, and it said, “You’re way overdue.”  So I guess I’m filling out these surveys from beyond the grave…

Wow.  I guess there’s something to be said about those online surveys, eh?

Yeah.  That they’re a pile of bunk, they clog up your Facebook feeds, and they’ll tell you whatever you want to believe about your life.

And if you ever want to use them for a satirical blog post like this one… they’re easy fodder.