Spectrum: “You’ve had slow internet for 2 years? We’re sorry, here’s $10.”

This blog was written at my local McDonald’s – because McDonald’s offers free Wi-Fi.

And why am I writing this blog post at a McDonald’s?

It’s because the modem that Spectrum provided me has passed away.

I came home yesterday and went to log into my computer. Hmm. Can’t access the internet. Checked my phone. It’s not picking up my home wireless network.

A phone call to Spectrum Cable. After dealing with the requisite phone jail and rebooting my modem and my router, nothing happened. No internet.

I called back 20 minutes later. Ended up speaking with a customer service representative whom I will call, for the better part of privacy, Ervin. Before Ervin could help me, she needed to confirm my identity. Name. Address. What devices I use with Spectrum.

“Let me send a message to your modem, sir.”

Okay, you do that.

“Sir, I can’t send a message to your modem, it’s too old to connect with our network.”

Oh, you mean the modem you gave me and told me that I couldn’t use any other modem because it wouldn’t be compatible with your service? Yeesh. Okay. I’ll physically unplug it and reboot it.

Nothing. The unit wouldn’t power up.

“You need a new modem, sir.”

Ya think?

“In fact, sir, we recommend you also bring in your router, because it’s too old for current Spectrum service.”

Oh, isn’t that nice. And this is happening 1 hour after all the local Spectrum outlets are closed on Sundays. So I have to do all this on Monday. Ugh.

“Don’t worry, sir, it won’t cost you extra. Besides, with the new modem, you’ll be able to experience that super-high speed you’ve been paying for and not getting.”

Well, I guess that’s a good thi- – – – – wait a second. What do you mean, ‘super-high speed that I’m paying for AND NOT GETTING??’

Background. In November of 2020, during the COVID-19 pandemic, I needed to take some side projects to keep a roof over my head. And one of those side projects involved the need for ultra-fast Internet speed on my computer. I paid extra for 500g of speed.

And apparently my modem topped out at 400g of speed.

And I do remember asking my Spectrum rep at the time as to whether my equipment would be able to handle the top speeds. “Oh, sure, Mr. Miller,” that rep said with her fingers probably crossed behind her back, “our equipment can handle anything.”

So I’ve been paying extra for almost three years and not receiving the speed boost that Spectrum promised? What the actual screaming hell is going on here, Erin?

“Well … er … um … let me talk to my supervisors.”

Yes, Ervin, you do that. Because I know fully well that “talking to supervisors” actually means putting me on hold while you go get a cup of coffee. It’s the same trick that car dealers use. “Oh, just sit here while I talk to my boss about adjusting the price on your car.”

Eventually Ervin came back on the line. “Well, I spoke with my supervisors. Since you never bothered to call us about concerns regarding your internet speed, we really can’t give you much of a discount on your dispute. However, I feel bad about your situation, so I’m going to provide you with a one-time maximum credit of $10, which will appear on your next cable bill.”

Wow. I’m out a whole day of internet connection, and I’m reduced to writing a blog post in a McDonald’s because that’s where I can get free wireless right now … and the revelation that I’ve overpaid for what I’ve received from Spectrum FOR THE PAST THREE FREAKIN’ YEARS – and Spectrum feels that the best they can do is offer me a $10 credit for my troubles – even after I have to schlep my equipment to a brick-and-mortar store in the middle of the day JUST SO I CAN USE THE SERVICE THAT I’VE BEEN OVERPAYING FOR????

“Oh, by the way, sir,” Ervin said, “I see that you don’t have Spectrum Mobile on your plan . Would you like to sign up for Spectrum Mobile?”

Yep. Spectrum overcharges me for services that won’t work on the equipment they gave me … and then they want to have me sign up for more of their bug-infested services?

Trust me. The last time Spectrum ever did anything beneficial for me was probably back in 1980, when it was called Capital Cablevision in this area – and you were issued a converter box with a collection of buttons on it, and if you pressed three specific buttons simultaneously, you could watch unscrambled Playboy Channel episodes. Other than that … Spectrum’s just another telecommunications megacompany that doesn’t give a shit about customers, with the exception of jacking up the cable bill every three months and telling you they’re saving you money by doing so.

Spectrum is about as useful as a football bat and about as pleasant as horseradish ice cream.

Ugh. Just straight-up ugh.