Hoping it’s a battery issue and not a battery issue.

There are four tasks that an automobile’s key fob must complete.

• Enter the locked car when the driver touches the driver’s door handle.
• Start the car when the driver presses the ignition button.
• Stop the car when the driver presses the ignition button once more.
• Lock the car after leaving by pressing on the driver’s door handle.

Four simple tasks.

And of late, my 2017 Chevrolet Volt Premier (“Lightning’s Girl”) is having problems with these concepts.

I grab the car door handle, the car won’t unlock. I have to manually press a button on the key fob to unlock the car when that happens – or, in those rare instances, I use my cell phone and control the lock by using my Chevrolet phone app.

Sometimes the car won’t start – I press a button and the car says “Remote not found.” The remote’s in my pocket. I then have to pull the remote out of my pocket and drop the keychain into the center console tray.

And on occasion, the car won’t shut off. Again, it seems to think that the car’s remote has vanished into thin air. This takes a little finessing, but eventually I get the car to shut off.

This is not good.

And I’m hoping it’s not the car’s internal battery. Because although I’m still covered under Chevrolet’s PZED warranty for battery replacement, there’s a very scary acronym that every Chevrolet Volt owner fears – BECM. BECM stands for Battery Engine Control Module, and at some point in time that will fail on a Volt. And BECM replacements are still suffering from supply chain issues. There are stories of Volt owners waiting MONTHS for that one part.

But before I panic over that battery …

I have an idea. And this is me using my internal logic.

The key fob works intermittently. However, the car still communicates clearly with my Chevrolet phone app. So by the process of elimination … perhaps the problem might not be with the car’s internal battery, but maybe with the battery of my key fob.

Hear me out. My car is a 2017 Volt Premier. That means the car would have arrived in showrooms in 2016. That’s 7 years ago. Now I don’t know about you, but maybe these internal key fob batteries aren’t designed to last for 7 years.

Then I remembered something.

One of my local hardware stores – the Ace Hardware store in downtown Troy (the store is now part of the Hatchet Hardware chain of Ace stores) once offered key fob battery replacement.

Well, I’ve got nothing better to do on a Saturday morning, so let’s try this.

I took my key fob – and the backup key fob, just in case – to Hatchet Hardware. Spoke with the counter man Danny, who immediately went to the battery rack and pulled out two watch batteries. “These will fit your key fob,” he said, and immediately and deftly popped one of the fobs open.

Battery switched. “Did you bring your car here?”

“Yes,” I said, “it’s in the parking lot.”

“Take this key fob and go test your car out. I’ll wait here.”

I can do that.

Okay. Grab the handle. Door unlocks.

Climb in. Safety belt. Press the start button. Volt makes that WOOSH digital sound, meaning the car is ready for driving.

I move the car two parking spots over, then press the ignition button again. Car shuts off and goes to sleep.

I leave the car, close the door, and press the handle – the door locks.

Key fob works.

Back to Hatchet Hardware I go. “Everything’s fine.”

“Fantastic,” he said, as he popped open the second key fob.

Meanwhile, I did a little shopping for me – some batteries (I needed some AA batteries, because everyone needs AA and AAA batteries around the house), and some bird suet (my girlfriend has a double-cage suet holder, and she enjoys watching the local songbirds dine on tasty seed and suet).

Total damage for the two replacements – he only charged me for the batteries, which came out to $9. Heck, I spent more on the bird suet.

But now comes the test. Can I drive Lightning’s Girl all day and have the key fob working as it should?

Let’s see. Girlfriend needs mulch for her garden. I purchase six bags of mulch at Home Depot – brown mulch is $3.33/bag there. By the way, I can comfortably fit six bags of brown mulch in the hatchback of Lightning’s Girl. Drove over to her house, then unloaded the six bags of brown mulch. Then drove over to a nearby Walmart, where they were selling bags of brown mulch for $2.75/bag. Six more bags in the car. Drop off. Spent time with the girlfriend, then drove home.

And every time – from start to finish – Lightning’s Girl responded as it should. Start the car? Yes, sir. Stop the car? Yes, sir. Lock the car? Tighter than a pawnbroker’s wallet.

Whew. So all I needed was a key fob battery replacement. Thank St. Eveready and Blessed Dur O’cell.

And as far as I’m concerned … I dodged a seriously nasty bullet.

And I’m good with that.