By: Chuck Miller
television

My TV fantasy wedding bells would be for …

This recent Twitter post caught my attention.

Okay. I’ll play along.

For this question, I’m going to limit my choices to television characters, not the actresses who played them on TV. I’ll also mention why, even if it were a one-in-a-zillion possibility of ever happening, why it would never work out.

So let’s start with …

I would marry Agent 99.

But it wouldn’t work out. She has too many secrets. For all I know, she’s probably married to a secret agent and has a couple of secret-agent-numbered kids. But still…

I would marry Daisy Duke.

But it wouldn’t work out. I’d have to deal with all the in-laws – Bo, Luke, Uncle Jesse, those two cousins Coy and Vance, not to mention all her spurned previous suitors – Cletus, Enos, Sheriff Coltrane … plus, I don’t think I want her driving my car. I don’t need to find out if it can jump over the Hudson River. 😀

I would certainly marry Jessica 6.

But it would never work out. She’d be too busy trying to find this place called Sanctuary, and I’m not sure I could convince her that Sanctuary is just another name for Green Island.

I would certainly marry Jaime Sommers.

But it would never work out. I mean, I could deal with the super-speed and the super-strength in her bionic arms and legs … but that super-bionic hearing – I could never keep a secret from her. That could be a problem. And if she didn’t like what I had said … hoo boy I might get a bionic judo chop right in the kishkas.

I would marry Col. Wilma Deering.

But it would never work out. I just don’t have the same charm that could pull her away from Buck Rogers. Also, we’re kind of in different timelines. By the time she would even notice me, I’d be dead for at least 500 years. So there’s that …

For sure I would marry Betty and Betty.

But it wouldn’t work out. How do I know which one was the true Betty and which one was the clone? And would I be happy with real Betty or clone Betty, or would it even matter?

I would certainly marry Janet.

But it would never work out. As much as we would be compatible, I know she would always hold a torch for some tweaker from Florida who thinks Blake Bortles was the greatest quarterback in the NFL. And that’s something this Steelers fan just can’t abide.

I would marry … well … you know.

And don’t tell me it wouldn’t work. I’d freakin’ MAKE it work.

Yeah, I know. It wouldn’t work. Think about it. Vacations on Paradise Island might be nice once in a while, but all those disappearances to fight aliens and spies and super-villains can get a little demoralizing on the homefront. Yeah. There’s certainly that.

I’m sure there are some other “future ex-wives” that I could list. But then again, this would all be fantasy. And even if fantasy had an ounce of truth to it, it’s essentially a “monkey’s paw” of truth. That’s why it’s just fantasy … and not the real thing.

And I’m good with that.

I guess. 😀