Naked Attraction is exactly what it advertises.

There were once very simple rules on cable television. Channels like Cinemax would show softcore adult movies at night – maybe you saw boobs, possibly some tush, but that’s about it. And HBO would also offer some titillating programming with shows like Real Sex, G-String Divas and Cathouse – all pandering to the puerile passion of pastel pornography.

That was back in the day.

Apparently, “the day” has returned. Because look what popped up on the Max (formerly HBO Max) streaming service.

Yep. It’s a dating show called Naked Attraction. And trust me, when they say “naked,” they’re talking the full monty. Twig and berries. Vertical smiles and all that.

I watched a few episodes of the show, and the program essentially works like this. The host will bring out a twenty-something who is looking for love. Behind six colored screens are naked adults, all who could be a potential date. The twenty-something has to narrow down the choices based on looks alone. And by “looks,” I mean we’re starting with what used to earn Cinemax its name as “Skin-a-max.”

Yep. For the sake of argument, let’s say that our contestant – we’ll call him Todd – has a choice between six available men. The screens roll up … and we see the six women, but only from their torso down. That’s right. Six vaginas, all staring at him.

And from there, Todd has to send one person home. So he picks the least desirable vagina, and Dolores leaves.

Then the screens rise up … and now the women are visible – but only from their necks down. So … yep … boobies boobies boobies.

Todd picks again … and sends, let’s say, Wendy home. Bye, Wendy.

At this point, the screens rise completely, and Todd can now see the faces of the four women remaining. And at that point … another elimination occurs. Shannon needs to leave.

The three women remaining now tell Todd their personal opinions of best and worst part of their bodies. This now allows Todd to hear their voices. And after another elimination – take a hike, Janice – we’re down to our two finalists.

But we’re not done. Because now Todd has to take off all his clothes as well. Yep. Everything visible on camera, no blurring, no digital cover-ups with emoji eggplants or the like. And after Zoe and Autumn make their own judgments on Todd’s body, Todd picks the final one for the date. I’m going to say he picks Zoe. Just because.

The show then transitions to a bar, where Todd and Zoe (now fully clothed) have a few drinks. Then the show transforms to a couch where, three or four weeks later, Todd and Zoe talk about their date and whether they will see each other again.

Yeah. This is The Dating Game meets Love Connection, mixed in with some Blind Date and all riding a Bangbros Bus.

Now let’s be clear. Although we see more naked bodies than in a Greek museum, we don’t see any penetrations or orgies or anything like that – at the most, the naked people offer quick, chaste hugs and that’s it. And, after watching three episodes of this show (because I gotta do my research for the blog, mind you) – I’ve really come to the conclusion that, for all it purports to promise, Naked Attraction is probably the most sexless show out there.

I get it. It’s a dating show. It’s not exactly Masterpiece Theater. But the episodes, all in all, just feel so plain. By the third episode, I was more interested on which contestants had the most interesting body tattoos or piercings. I was listening to the voices to try to figure out what part of England provided their accent (the show is taped in London, but I swear I heard from Scottish, some Welsh, and maybe a Liverpudlian or two).

And it even brings back memories of another dating show that was just straight-up cringe – a show called Hot or Not, where judges actually critiqued the contestants’ appearances. That image of Lorenzo Lamas using a laser pointer to identify a contestant’s undesirable love handles was the write-off for me for that show.

And that’s how I feel about Naked Attraction. I see where the idea is going. But it’s so boring getting there. Oh, yeah, attractive bachelors and bachelorettes are displayed in the altogether for our enjoyment. But the dismissals – one contestant being rejected because her toes were too far apart, or another who was dismissed because his body reminded the contestant of her ex-boyfriend – is just shallow.

Trust me. In the end of each episode, I was actually rooting to see if the couples actually did hit it off – or if one of the daters simply said, “It wasn’t worth the effort, no second date for him.” Those instances felt more real.

And in the end, that’s kind of how I felt about Naked Attraction. Maybe the purpose was all there to get people to tune in to Max and see some naked bodies. Okay, we did. Now what do we do? Binge-watch Succession? Play the Game of Thrones drinking game where you find the one episode that has all seven of George Carlin’s words you can’t say on the radio?

You tell me. After three episodes of Naked Attraction, I’d rather go binge-watch Three’s Company or something.