“Thank you for paying your bill in full three months ago. Now pay us $240 more RIGHT NOW.”

There are corporate monoliths that piss me off. Allstate. Spectrum. Verizon. You know, the usual cesspool of vermin.

We can now add KCI to this mix. KCI is the manufacturer of a portable negative pressure wound vac machine I used during my recent foot surgery.

See, when I was in the hospital last February, I was prescribed a wound vac machine to help drain out toxins from my foot, and to help heal my foot from the inside out.

However … apparently there was some confusion about the rental fee of the wound vac. Specifically, how much my insurance company pays versus how much I pay. When I received the wound vac in the hospital, I was told that I was responsible for a $64 rental fee.

Not being a person who wants bills hanging over his head, I immediately called KCI’s billing department and paid the $64. Done and done.

I used the unit for two weeks, and then I followed the company’s instructions to send the wound vac (minus the requisite supplies) back to the company. It was at that time that I found out that the cost of the wound vac was not $64 total … it was $64 per day. And that I was now responsible for $960 for 16 days’ usage – crediting me with my initial $64 payment.

Well, ain’t that a bait and switch. Ugh. Pulled out the credit card, paid the fee, gritted my teeth, and then asked KCI if this squared up my bill.

“Yes, sir, Mr. Miller, you’re all paid in full.”

That was in February.

We now go forward three months to May. When all of a sudden, out of the blue, I get a phone call from KCI. I answer the phone. “Hello?”

“This is KCI,” a recorded voice stated. “We need you to call us back regarding your account.” The recording quoted me a telephone number, then hung up.

Oh … kay …

I called back. Stayed on hold for an hour and a half, then they disconnected my call.

Well, isn’t that nice.

Yesterday, bright and early in the morning, I called KCI. “So you guys sent me a recorded message to call?”

“Yes, sir, Mr. Miller, it seems you owe us $240 for your wound vac rental. Can you pay it right now?”

“I was told that this was paid in full. Where is this $240 request coming from?”

“Oh, your insurance company took back $240 of their payment, with no explanation. So you’re responsible for the bill. So if you have a problem with that, you can pay us the $240, and then contact your insurance company to get reimbursed.”

What in the name of Flo, Mayhem, Geckos and Emus are you talking about? “No, I was told this was paid in full. And now three months later, you’re coming back and telling me I owe more money??”

“Yes, you’re responsible for $240 for the wound vac rental.”

Let me get this straight. I paid over $1,000 for this product … and now you’re asking me for an additional $240??

That whistle you just heard was the sound of steam coming out of my ears.

Another phone call. This time to my health insurance provider.

And thankfully, I spoke with someone who explained everything to me – even though it initially made no sense whatsoever.

See, apparently KCI billed the insurance company for the rental. KCI tried to bill them under a certain billing code, which the insurance company rejected. So KCI re-sent the bill with a different code – which actually charged a higher amount than the previous billing code. The insurance company paid their half of the bill, but before the insurance company could send me an Explanation of Benefits (a form that shows the breakdown of what I owe versus what was paid), KCI just went ahead and robo-called me for what was still owed.

In other words … I paid what was due, but KCI re-submitted their request at a higher amount, meaning I had to pay more. And unfortunately, despite a three-way call between KCI, the insurance company and me over this entire clusterfuck … there was nothing I could do other than pull out my credit card and make a $240 payment right then and there.

Ugh. I felt like a puppy on the other end of Kristi Noem’s shotgun. But what were my options? Have a bad mark on my the credit rating I’ve spent 14 post-divorce years repairing?

The KCI representative, satisfied with receiving payment, left the three-way call.

At which point, the insurance company representative asked if I wanted to file a grievance regarding the situation.

“They should not have billed you for that overage,” she said, “and they should not have blamed us by saying we took the money away from them, when that wasn’t the case. They lied to you, and I heard it myself on the three-way call. I’d be more than happy to file a grievance with our company on your behalf.”

“What will that mean for me?” I asked.

“Companies have contracts to work with us. If we feel that a company is not doing their part, or deceiving customers, we can restrict or cancel our contracts with them.”

In the end, I filed the grievance. I mean … at this point, I was already extorted for $240. Who knows if three months from now, KCI contacts me again and says, “Well, you know what, Mr. Miller? You owe us another, oh, let’s say $3,000, pay us in 20 minutes or we’ll send someone over to break your fingers.”

And for all I know, filing that grievance with my insurance company regarding this whole situation may be another “pat Chuck on the head and hopefully he’ll forget this ever happened” situation.

Yeah … no. I don’t forget.

KCI … let me say this as clear as I possibly can. You have a great product in that wound vac.

But if I had known that getting that wound vac would subject me to bait-and-switch tactics and surprise billing …

I would have just told the surgeon to chop my foot off and be done with it. Ugh.