“Tell the race track Johnny Wadd is here.”

Let me explain that blog post headline.

My recent acquisition of a Meyer Optik Görlitz Orestegor 500mm f/5.6 telephoto lens has proven successful when paired with my Pentacon Six TL camera. And thanks to my girlfriend (the best girlfriend in the whole wide world), I now have an adapter that will make that Meyer Optik Görlitz Orestegor 500mm f/5.6 telephoto lens functional when hooked up to my Nikon Df digital camera.

I should note that re-typing the name “Meyer Optik Görlitz Orestegor 500mm f/5.6 telephoto lens” gets a bit tedious, especially when I have to add those little dots over the “o” in Görlitz. So because of the camera lens’s size and weight and girth … I’ve colloquially nicknamed the lens “Johnny Wadd.” Johnny Wadd (also known as John C. Holmes) was a professional adult film star who at one point in time did a series of crime drama / porn films in the 1970’s. If you’ve ever seen Boogie Nights, the character of Dirk Diggler is essentially a cypher for John C. Holmes.

So rather than attempt to attach Johnny Wadd to my Pentacon Six and shoot film at the Saratoga Race Course … and then wait two weeks for the film to be shipped and developed and returned … I figured I’d use the adapter on Johnny Wadd and attach it to my Nikon Df.

And since there were several rainstorms in the Saratoga area for the past few days, most of the races held on Sunday would take place on the outer “dirt” track, which will line up perfectly with my test shots.

Okay. Experiment time. I’m on the rail, and there’s a nice set of horses in the first race. I’m set up at the middle of the track, and I’m aimed all the way down to one of the mile marker poles. It’s a green and white pole, which I think marks how many furlongs the horses are away from the finish line.

Okay, let’s test the shot.

And here come the horses around the final turn. I aim the camera, hit the shutter release, and …

HOLY DEAD HEAT, BATMAN!!

Three horses with lots of definition – check. Lots of dirt flying into the air with every hoof print – check.

First shots of the day, and Johnny Wadd popped it clean.

Yeah, you know I’m going to make jokes like this. Be nice or I’ll start renaming all my Pentacon Six lenses after 1970’s-era adult film stars. I can do it, too. Bambi Woods, Harry Reems, Honey Wilder … 😉

Okay, back to the race. Race 2 is up and ready to go. I adjust my location to see how much power and distance I can pull out of this lens. I mean, I’m practically at the finish line right now, and I’m shooting directly down the track.

A couple of people try to stand in front of me on the rail. They see the big lens and they immediately back off. Trust me. Nobody messes with Johnny Wadd.

And here come the horses. I can get this shot … three … two … one … and …

Okay … this is good … but now I want a corner turn.

I move further down the track. And trust me. Between the tripod, the heat, and Johnny Wadd being as heavy as anything … I need to make this shot work.

Everybody’s coming around the track … and … get it now or don’t get it at all, Chuck.

Okay. Successful day at the track, I won money on the first three races – about $100, to be precise – let’s go take some more photos.

It was then that I realized the one peri-mutuel truism. “You never truly win and walk away.”

Because at the moment when I thought I would take care of the fourth race at Saratoga …

Something happened. I felt a weird loosening around my waist.

I looked down. Why is my belt flopping open like that?

It was then that I discovered, to my shock, that my belt buckle had snapped apart. I was now in danger of showing everybody whether I wear boxers or briefs.

Fuck.

Maybe there’s a chance to save this. Perhaps the Saratoga Race Course souvenir store might have belts for sale. I mean, they have polo shirts and caps and all other forms of haberdashery …

Found a belt. Thank God. A Saratoga souvenir belt to keep me from unintentionally exposing myself. The belt had the name “SARATOGA” printed all around the leather strap – which I quickly discovered would work only if you put the belt on like a right-handed man would. Well, guess what. This left-handed man doesn’t care if his belt says ⱯꓨOꓕⱯꓤⱯS on it, so long as it holds up his trousers.

“How much for the belt?” I asked.

“$100, plus tax,” the cashier cooed.

Yep. All my winnings went to a chintzy, overpriced souvenir belt.

Oh, well. Things happen. I still got some great photos at the track, and the Meyer Optik Görlitz Orestegor 500mm f/5.6 lens worked like a champ.

And thankfully … I didn’t accidentally demonstrate anything else involving Johnny Wadd.

Just sayin’ is all. 😀