By: Chuck Miller
Football

I had five heart attacks last night during the Steelers-Baltimore game. I’m fine now.

Steelers-Ravens. Yinzers versus Ratbirds. Their multi-year MVP QB against our multi-year MVP QB.

And trust me, my blood pressure bounced up and down more often than the percolator on an old coffee pot.

Let’s see. First score by Baltimore.

Then we got stuck in a series of 3-and-outs.

Then Baltimore snagged a field goal.

Then we got a 57-yard field goal from Chris Boswell. All hail the Bos-God, praise be upon his golden leg.

Then in the final seconds of the first half, we couldn’t punch it into the end zone. GRR

Then we came back and nabbed another score in the second half.

Then Baltimore’s Lamar Jackson escaped a tackle and blasted one down the field to Zay Flowers, who scampered in four a touchdown. Get the crash paddles.

Then we came back and scored again, Kenneth Gainwell with a run-in.

Then Baltimore scored AGAIN. Another TD to Zay Flowers. Ay caramba.

Then we scored again – a bullet to Calvin Austin III who ran into the end zone like it was a long-lost girlfriend. Okay, now Chris Boswel kicks the extra point and –

OH NO IT WENT WIDE!! NO NO NO NO NO! This makes the score 28-26, Baltimore just needs a field goal to win, they have all their time outs and …

Please, Lord, if you have it in you … I shouldn’t pray for things like this …

Didn’t work. Baltimore marched the ball down to the 22-yard line. Ticked the clock down to two seconds. All it takes now is a kick from their rookie kicker.

See, Baltimore has a rookie kicker because the last kicker they had, Justin Tucker, was cut from the team after it was revealed he had been a bit of a gropy perv at various massage parlors. So now Baltimore has a rookie kicker who can put this through the uprights, and …

AND HOLY SHIT HIS KICK WENT WIDE TO THE RIGHT!!! WIDE RIGHT!!! NO CHANCE FOR A RE-KICK!!!!

Baltimore loses, Pittsburgh wins 28-26, the Steelers go to the postseason and the Ratbirds go back to Craptimore!!

Checking pulse. Yep. It’s the same rhythm as a Devo drum track.

The Pittsburgh Steelers have won the AFC North title for the first time since 2020. That was our old QB’s last year. And after that, we had a lineup of such quality QB’s as (checks notes) Mitch Trubisky (blech I said Trubisky), Kenny Pickett (failure), Mason Rudolph (had his games), Justin Fields (6-2 and not much more), Russell Wilson (a few wins and then he expired), and now Aaron Rodgers (with a start from Mason Rudolph as well). And through all that … the Steelers are back in business, bay bee.

Next up – a Monday night contest against the Houston Texans. Whoop dee doo. Bring on CJ Stroud. Bring on Neko Collins. Bring on all of them. Houston doesn’t win playoffs in Pittsburgh. Just ask Warren Moon or Earl Campbell. Ask them. Go ahead.

We are the Kings of the North. And we’re just a few wins away from the Super Bowl.

Excuse me, it is time to break out the Terrible Towels and wave them all over the place.