I am saddened this morning.
Well, it’s been 48 hours of sadness.
After the Pittsburgh Steelers coughed up yet another double-digit playoff loss – their seventh consecutive postseason loss – this time, a 30-6 loss to the Texans, that was punctuated by an Aaron Rodgers fumble that Houston returned for a touchdown.
Then came the news that after nineteen seasons, over 200 wins, two Super Bowl trips and one Super Bowl win … Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin has chosen to retire.
I can tell you personally. THIS SUCKS.
Yeah, I heard the grumbles this season when the Steelers fell in close games, only to win the next game as bounceback victories. I heard it when the Steelers fanbase screamed “Fire Tomlin” loud enough that the ghost of Myron Cope heard it.
But I still held strong. You don’t fire a coach who brings you wins. You don’t fire a coach who can turn chaff into ambrosia every single year.
And you don’t fire a coach who speaks plainly and succinctly to his players, to the media, to all of us.
Thus created the Tomlinisms. The football-specific Zen koans that turned complicated questions into succinct answers.
Last year, in the social media platform reddit, I postulated creating a Mike Tomlin Magic 8-Ball, where one would ask a question, shake the magic 8-ball, and receive the wit and wisdom of one of the greatest head coaches of all time.
Allow me to share an updated version of that post with you now. Imagine you’re holding a Mike Tomlin Magic 8-Ball. Ask it a question.
“Mike Tomlin Magic 8 Ball, my wife said that George Pickens was a better wide receiver than DK Metcalf, and we should never have let him go. What should I do?”
WE WANT VOLUNTEERS NOT HOSTAGES
“Mike Tomlin Magic 8 Ball, should I buy that 15th Terrible Towel to go with the other 14 in my collection?”
THE STANDARD IS THE STANDARD
“Mike Tomlin Magic 8 Ball, what’s better, Skyline Chili or crab cakes?”
WE DO NOT CARE
“Mike Tomlin Magic 8 Ball, my SO is dragging me to a Doctor Who fan festival this weekend. What should I do if I find out there are Weeping Angels at the festival?”
DON’T BLINK
“Mike Tomlin Magic 8 Ball, is my lawn care good enough even though there are some spots where I have bare, brown patches instead of grass?”
THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR WORK
“Mike Tomlin Magic 8 Ball, should I wear white after Labor Day?”
WE DO NOT LIVE IN OUR FEARS
“Mike Tomlin Magic 8 Ball, I just got dumped. All I can think about are the memories of us together. What should I do?”
MY WINDSHIELD IS BIGGER THAN MY REAR VIEW
“Mike Tomlin Magic 8 Ball, why do I feel like the worst person in the world?”
IT’S A FINE LINE BETWEEN DRINKING WINE AND SQUASHING GRAPES
“Mike Tomlin Magic 8 Ball, what do I do when the world seems to be against me?”
IT’S NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE CAPABLE OF, IT’S ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE WILLING TO DO
“Mike Tomlin Magic 8 Ball, if I had a million dollars, I’d be more happy, wouldn’t I?”
IF MY AUNT HAD MALE PARTS, SHE’D BE MY UNCLE
Yeah. I need to make a Mike Tomlin Magic 8 Ball. If for no other reason than to get through this crazy crazy thing called life.
Chuck The Writer 
Not a total surprise, as the team has needed a kick-in-the-butt for a while. And to everyone’s credit, it seems the departure was mutually amicable.
Tomlin has the smarts, though not the pipes, for tv broadcasting. But he’ll certainly land on his feet.
MY WINDSHIELD IS BIGGER THAN MY REAR VIEW – good one.
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