I have some choices for movies this week. The Testament of Ann Lee debuts this week, and some Oscar-nominated films are getting rebroadcasts on the multiplexes.
And then there’s the Melania movie.
Ugh. THAT Melania.
From what I understand, Amazon Studios paid $40 million to the Trump family to curry favor with the administration. They also bankrolled this documentary about Melania Trump and the three weeks prior to the 2025 Presidential inauguration.
And now they’re trying to curtail dismal pre-show buzz about this film by hopefully seeding the crowd and bribing them to attend this picture.
This apparently is a legit Craigslist advert regarding the Melania movie.
Yep, kids, there she is in her cosplay business suit and fuck-me pumps, while someone offers $50 to anybody who will watch this film. And free tickets, as well.
The caveat is that the person must remain in their seats for the entirety of the film, then they get the $50.
Sure, Jan.
There’s got to be a catch to this. Is it really $50? Is it a $50 gift card to the cinema? Is it $50 for your next visit to Jordan Marsh?
Yeah, this has about as much legitimacy as Trump University.
That being said … I’m not adverse to a little bribery. Apparently greasing the palm makes the world go around. And considering if two people having sex is a twosome, and three people having sex is a threesome, Melania must think Donald Trump is a handsome.
Yeah, you saw what I did there.
So … I’m offering the following as my own personal contract.
If someone wants to pay me to watch the Melania movie … I’m open to offers.
But $50 ain’t gonna cut it, friend. Not even if I can bring Tom Servo and Crow T Robot with me and we riff on the entire picture. Not for $50.
Nah, it’s gonna cost more.
Minimum – $500. Five hundred dollars. Five $100 bills in my hand before I even purchase the popcorn.
You give me $500, I’ll sit through the entire film, all the way to the closing credits and the AMPAS logo.
Heck, you make it $1,000, and I’ll even purchase the Melania commemorative popcorn bucket.
Yes, there’s actually a commemorative Melania popcorn bucket. And it’s just as greasy as the name implies.
Besides, who am I to avoid the opportunity to see the motion picture that’s guaranteed to sweep next year’s Golden Raspberry Awards?
Now this offer is only good for this weekend. After Sunday night, the deal is off. So if the filmmakers really want warm bodies in the theater …
Contact me. And bring the cash.
I mean, you were willing to drop $40 million to the Trumps to make this film …
A few Benjamins in my pocket won’t bankrupt your budget.
Chuck The Writer 
of course, they have to pay people to go, that makes total sense
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