K-Chuck Radio: The Eurovision Song Contest

It’s coming.

Not to America, but it’s coming.

For over 50 years, there has been a European music contest that dwarfs American Idol or America’s Got Talent or any other music competition program.

It’s the Eurovision Song Contest, in which each country sends a singer or a group or a band and they perform for a worldwide television audience. Voting is then conducted, and eventually one song is chosen as the winner. What happens after that? The song usually gets released worldwide and becomes a monster international success – and then the artist either becomes a major superstar or we never hear from them again.

Yeah, sort of how I feel about the Kentucky Derby.

Everybody performs, and then the votes are tallied by some extremely complicated voting formula that makes the Electoral College look like a coinflip.

So what kinds of songs have been declared winners of the Eurovision Song Contest?

Well, songs like these.

FRANCE GALL
Poupée De Cire, Poupée De Son
Eurovision Song Contest Winner, 1965

This is what passes for French rock and roll in the 1960’s. Apparently it was good enough to win the competition that year.

ABBA
Waterloo
Eurovision Song Contest Winner, 1974

Thanks, Eurovision. Thanks to this win, 35 years later I had to suffer through a “Sing-Along” version of Mamma Mia! at the Colonie Center movie theater. Thanks a steamload.

IZHAR COHEN AND THE ALPHA BETA
A-Ba-Ni-Bi
Eurovision Song Contest Winner, 1978

Yes, I’m still trying to figure out how Israel became part of Europe, so that they could compete in this show. Still, this song did win that year.

BUCKS FIZZ
Making Your Mind Up
Eurovision Song Contest Winner, 1981

Oh lord this is the most frothy pop song I’ve ever heard. And that’s not a good thing. Personally, I think the only reason this song won the Eurovision Song Contest that year was because of what happened at 1:36 of this video clip.

CELINE DION
Ne Partez Pas Sans Moi
Eurovision Song Contest Winner, 1988

I’m not sure how Canada became part of the European Union, but apparently Celine Dion was allowed to compete for Switzerland that year – and this song won the contest.

PAUL HARRINGTON & CHARLIE McGETTIGAN
Rock ‘n Roll Kids
Eurovision Song Contest Winner, 1994

God Almighty, I think this song could be a cure for insomnia. Unintentionally, of course.

KATRINA AND THE WAVES
Love Shine a Light
Eurovision Song Contest Winner, 1997

Oh, you thought the biggest thing Katrina and the Waves ever did was “Walking on Sunshine?” Howzabout this – nearly 15 years after that hit, they represented the United Kingdom in that year’s Eurovision Song Contest – and took the win.

LORDI
Hard Rock Hallelujah
Eurovision Song Contest Winner, 2006

Okay, I’m not sure which is more impressive. The fact that this is the first heavy metal song to ever win the Eurovision Song Contest, or that this is the first win for that musical hotbed of Finland.  Or maybe because at 2:03 of this clip, the lead singer grows a pair of wings!

DIMA BILAN
Believe
Eurovision Song Contest Winner, 2008

I guess Communism had to fall so that Russia could enter the Eurovision Song Contest – with this guy. My eyes are already in pain. As much as my ears.

ELI/NIKKI
Running Scared
Eurovision Song Contest Winner, 2011

The most recent winner of this contest represents the true pop music capital of the world… Azerbaijan.

So here’s what we have to do, I guess… We find a way to declare Saratoga Springs as an entry for the contest… then we fly Josh and Sarah from Phantogram to wherever the Eurovision Song Contest is being held in 2012… and they rock through “Mouthful of Diamonds” and win the competition.

Makes sense to me.