“Amish Mafia” episode review: “De Rott”

I have to hand it to the Amish Mafia producers.  Just when I think they can’t sink further into the pit of tastelessness, they get a shovel and start digging to China.  We currently have a plotline where Li’l Wayne is involved with Karrie, an English woman (a woman who has more curves than a Spirograph set), and now Merlin Miller (no relation) is trying to figure out how to best use this to his advantage.

So let’s start out this week’s review of Amish Mafia, shall we?  As always, the Amish Church denies the existence of the Amish Mafia.  The Amish Church also denies the existence of schooling after the ninth grade, which is why you don’t see Big Steve as a left tackle for the Nittany Lions.

And in the previews for tonight’s episode – we get what looks like a Caleb-organized bonfire party in an undisclosed field, with Amish lesbian teenagers kissing – I think they’re kissing, their faces are blurred; for all I know they might have  some chewing gum stuck in their braces – and Amish teenagers getting blackout drunk!  Apparently the Amish discovered the wonders of mixing corn squeezins’ and Four Loko, me thinks…

We also get a gathering of the Amish leaders of Amish Aid.  And of course, this attracts the interest of Constable Paul Castline.  Hopefully Constable Castline has the situation under control, I’m kinda hoping he didn’t study policework under the tutelage of Commendant Lassard or Chief O’Hara.

Meanwhile, John Schmucker seeks legal advice – most likely for his tenth arrest for driving with a suspended license.  This could cause problems for him, especially when Esther is back on her “John needs a spot in Lebanon Levi’s organization” screed.

And finally, we get Big Steve on an airplane!

When we last left our Amish commandos Jolin and Alvin – after they went behind enemy lines to take out the invading horde of unwashed Kentucky Amish from charging into Lancaster County, Jolin and Alvin were getting pulled over by the Kentucky county mounties for speeding.  The cops check out the truck – where Alvin hid the gun – Alvin must have hidden it well, because the cops didn’t find it.  The cops give Jolin back his driver’s license, and send the commandos on their way.  Wow.  All that drama and nothing came of it?  And guess what, folks… that’s all we’re going to see of Jolin the Moody Mennonite and Alvin the mushmouthed arsonist for this week’s episode.

Meanwhile, we get some comedy hijinks of Big Steve getting on an airplane for the first time.  Oh, Big Steve on an escalator.  Big Steve trying to figure out automatic hand dryers in the lavatory.  Oh, the hilarity.  Big Steve trying to figure out where the oxygen masks are on the plane.  We get Big Steve trying to flirt with his aislemate on the plane.  We get Big Steve eating some nasty nasty food on the plane, and telling everybody on the plane that he’s on a mission from Lebanon Levi.  I wonder if he’s going to get the band back together and put on some sunglasses while he’s at it.

Meanwhile, in Holmes County Ohio, the producers have been following Wayne to his secret trysts with Karrie the English woman.  Oh look, we’re getting cameras peeping in the house, through the curtains, of Wayne chit-chatting with Karrie; Wayne wants Karrie to convert to the Amish religion.  You know what that means… we get an explanation from the Amish Mafia cast members about conversion to the Amish faith.  It’s not that easy.  You have to live as Amish for at least a year and learn to speak Pennsylvania Dutch and be able to bake a shoo-fly pie all by yourself before you can receive adult baptism and join the faith.  It might be easier for Karrie to consider joining Scientology.

Back in Lancaster, Levi knocks on Esther’s door at Esther’s new house.  Meanwhile, there’s a suspicious sport utility vehicle following the Amish Mafia production.  And we suddenly break the fourth wall as the producers investigate the SUV, who speeds out of the area.  This can’t be good.  Is someone else producing an Amish Mafia television show and we don’t know about it?

Back in Holmes County… Merlin Miller (no relation) and the English girl Karrie are riding in Merlin’s buggy, with Merlin using his Stringbean charm to try to flirt with Karrie.  And Karrie’s feeling a bit uncomfortable about the whole thing.  Come on, Karrie, Merlin did receive a red rose last week.  If he gives it to you, then that means he wants to keep you around for another week.  Just ask Juan Pablo if you don’t believe me.

Back in Lancaster… Caleb’s working on a truck when, all of a sudden, a woman runs up to Caleb and says tha two English boys threw mud at her buggy.  Throwing mud at an Amish woman’s buggy?  Oh hell no, Caleb’s going to hotwire his bullet-riddled truck and investigate this situation.  And just so that we know people do taunt Amish buggy drivers, we get a news clip about someone drive-by shooting a horse.  And no, that’s not the old joke about, “What goes clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop clip clop?  Amish drive-by shooting.”

Caleb sees the kids – and he burns rubber through the field to catch them.  Hope that wasn’t an Amish farmer’s field, Wayne might not be too happy with Caleb for doing that – considering that Wayne tore apart two English boys’ ATV’s for doing just that.  Sure enough, Caleb chases one of the kids into a barn, hog-ties the kid, throws the rope over one of the barn’s rafters – and hangs the kid up like one of Spider-Man’s villains.

Well, here’s the thing.  If Caleb’s gone rogue in his attempts to collect Amish Aid money, that’s going to piss off Lebanon Levi.  But Caleb’s got a solution to this problem.  “Giving Levi money is like giving a baby a pacifier,” Caleb says to the cameras.  Let’s see if that works.  Levi and Caleb have a chitchat along the road.  Levi chastises Caleb about Caleb’s actions – until Caleb hands Levi an envelope filled with cash.  Wow.  Guess it DOES work.  So Levi suggests Caleb throw a field party.  Apparently the field parties are more wild than the hut parties from Season 1.

Meanwhile, the Amish Mafia producers discovered that John Schmucker – along with District Attorney Steven Breit – are exiting a courtroom.  Looks like John’s gotten arrested again.  Trouble follows John around like a shadow.

Constable Castline is telling the producers, COPS style, is going to investigate the meeting of the Amish Aid members.  Constable Castline talks to someone who might know something – and guess what, he’s talking to John Schmucker.  Yep, the same John Schmucker that Constable Castline arrested at the start of Season 2.  Talk about picking up a dangling plotline.  Constable Castline is trying to convince John to snitch on Lebanon Levi and the other Amish Aid organizers, but John refuses to be de rott – in other words, he’s not going to start munching cheese and dropping dimes.

And we are now in Washington County, Iowa.  Wait, there’s an Amish community in Washington County, Iowa?  Oh yeah, this is where Big Steve is supposed to find that Amish girl that went on a Rumspringa and can’t come back.  Yep, Big Steve has arrived at his destination, and tells the cab driver to wait there and keep the meter running.  He knocks on the door and asks for Sara, the Amish girl.  The woman doesn’t come out, so Big Steve huffs and he puffs and he breaks the door down, clobbers the guy who’s blocking the door – probably knocked the guy out with Big Steve’s bad breath from eating that rancid food on the plane – and tosses the girl in the taxi, ostensibly to take her back to Lancaster County.  And probably just earned himself a spinoff series, “Big Steve to the Rescue.”  It’ll be a smash hit!

And now we’re at the Leaders Meeting.  Dozens of black buggies pull up to an undisclosed barn area.  the cameras were not allowed inside – but someone was convinced (sure they were, wink wink) to leave a microphone on.  Hmm… Paul Miller (no relation) from Kentucky didn’t show up to the meeting?  I wonder why.  Give him and his unwashed Kentucky Amish a few more weeks to get to Lancaster, they are traveling on their unwashed bare feet…

And Lebanon Levi has been chastised for allowing devil cameras into Lancaster County.  He’s getting chewed out for being part of the Amish Mafia television show.  Holy break down the fourth wall, Batman!  The leaders are snarling at Levi for using a cell phone and driving a Cadillac!  Levi tries to defend himself, to the point where he gets into his “Stop Talking Back” high-pitched voice.  But the leaders keep yelling at Lebanon Levi.  They’re mad at him for showing the Amish on camera.  They’re mad at him for letting the Discovery Channel film all their hijinks.  And worst of all, they’re super-duper mad that there’s a guy in upstate New York that’s poking fun at this television show and blogging about it after every episode!! (Okay, I threw that last one in, but my stat-metrics program has been noticing an uptick in Netscape browsers and Prodigy accounts and dial-up ISP’s that read my blog on Wednesday mornings…)

John talks with his defense attorney, Steven Breit, and John could be looking at some jail time.  Or he could cooperate with the law.  Those are some serious choices.  So John has to work with Esther on getting back into Levi’s good graces, and Esther needs John to lay low before Levi discovers that John is back in Lancaster.  Well, John’s having nothing of that – and if he doesn’t get back with Levi, John’s going to tell everybody about Esther’s double life.  A double life in which Esther lives half of her life Amish and half English – and to prove his point, he gives the producers footage of Esther about to go out on the town, with her looking all English and hot and duckface-selfie slutty.  Wow.  John’s in a bad situation, and now he put Esther in an even worse situation.

So Esther goes to Levi and say that her brother is back in town.  And Esther wants Levi to take John back into the group.  Levi’s not happy with the offer.  If Levi does it, then he and Esther are done.  Again.  Don’t worry, folks, they’re not going to break up.  I mean, if they did, who would get custody of that goat?

Back in Holmes County, Merlin wants to bring Karrie (Wayne’s girlfriend) a peacock feather.  Apparently, giving a woman a peacock feather means you want to park your buggy in her garage.  Ha ha ha, Amish double-entendre humor.  And then we get this one.  “If God wants me to sleep with Wayne’s girlfriend to save the Amish community, that’s a sacrifice I have to make.”  Ha ha, Merlin. Way to take a grenade for the team.

10:30 pm, Lancaster County, somewhere in the fields.  There’s bonfires.  Caleb collects the money, there’s alcohol and red Solo cups all over the place.  Oh look, there’s drinking.  Oh look, the Amish girls are doing snowballs with alcohol.  Please do not ask me to explain what a snowball is.  Go look it up in the Urban Dictionary.

Next thing you know, we’ve got Amish girls kissing each others’ blurred-out faces, and they’re rolling around on the ground, their panties all exposed – yes folks, we’re getting what looks like Amish softcore.  And just when things look like they could be moving from the Discovery Channel to Skinimax… Oh wait – is that a cop car?  Okay, who invited the cop car?  What a freakin’ buzzkill!  And sure enough, seeing one cop car makes all the Amish kids run like hell to the sanctity of the corn fields… all of them, except for Caleb, who stands there with his hands in his pockets like someone found out about all the hotwired tractors in Lancaster County and snitched on him.

And today’s Amish factoid – Amish should never date outsiders.  If you’re dating an English person, you’re having a double leben.  And sure enough, if you’re dating an English person, you’re going to get shunned by the Amish Church.  Cheese and rise, is there some specific reason why we’re getting all these lectures?  Could this all be about Wayne dating an English girl?  Could this all be about Caleb dating the bishop’s daughter?  Could this all be about Esther dating I’Mir “Mirkat” Williams?  Ah, the subtlety of Amish Mafia.  About as subtle as horseteam-driven field plow.

And Merlin’s talking about how Esther is guilty of the sin of living a double leben – a double life, half-Amish and half-English.  Okay, I need a moment.

Hey Merlin… are you aware that every freakin’ person who appears on “Amish Mafia” is currently living a double leben – including you?!?

Think about this for a second, Stringbean… you’re preaching the gospel and looking for acolytes and sycophants to help you move forward in your religious zealotry, and then you turn around and try to make goo-goo eyes at Wayne’s blonde English girlfriend and offering her peacock feathers … to do what?  Make him jealous?  Break her heart?  Teach her the recipe for hard-boiled beet eggs and scrapple?  Get front-row tickets to a Gun Metal Grey concert?

Sure looks like a double life to me.

And we’re back in Lancaster County.  Levi’s checking out the construction of his house.  And Esther asks Levi once again to let John back in the organization.  Levi basically says that John’s a screw-up – but just for Esther, he’s going to bring John back.  Even if he has to start out working at jobs that even Caleb wouldn’t do…

Oh look, Constable Castline’s being followed by the Cigarette-Smoking Man..  where’s Mulder and Scully when we need them?  Nope, it’s John Schmucker – who’s going to play both ends against the middle.  Sure enough, it was John Schmucker who snitched to Constable Castline about the field party.  So now John’s going to be the mole in Levi’s organization, and maybe take out Lebanon Levi from within the ranks.  Well played, Schmucker… well played.

And now we’re back in Karrie’s home, and Wayne just saw the peacock feather in Karrie’s kitchen.  And Wayne gets upset.  And he explains to Karrie about the peacock symbolism – and Wayne’s  furious.  So furious, in fact, that he tells Karrie to wear an Amish bonnet the next time he sees her, and then he storms out of her house – and nearly drives over a producer to get away.

John and Levi have a meeting… but Levi wants him to go visit someone named Amos and do a job for him.  Meanwhile, Levi happens to notice the black SUV in the distance.  So do the producers.  They drive up to the SUV to figure out what’s going on.  And on that moment… uh-oh, time’s up, we’ll have to find out what happens next week on Amish Mafia.

And on next week’s Amish Mafia episode… It’s dress-wearing Ruck Davey and looks like he’s hankerin for trouble, Levi talks marriage with Esther, someone drives a perfectly-good truck into a lake, and Jolin discovers there’s a meth lab somewhere in Amish country.   And something explodes!

You know what that means, folks… see you next week for another snark-filled review of everybody’s favorite faux reality TV series, Amish Mafia!