I hereby propose a brand new drinking game while watching Amish Mafia. A drinking game, as you know, takes place so that whenever a character does something on TV, you take a drink of some beverage. Example – any time Jack Bauer says “There’s not enough time!” on 24, take a drink. Whenever that girl from the Serial podcast says, “I know, right?” take a drink.
So with Amish Mafia, you should take at least one drink whenever:
- Some person on Amish Mafia states that something in the episode is very important to Amish culture, in that it symbolizes a connection to God (i.e., volleyball games, corn fields, etc.).
- Merlin claims that he was chosen by God to lead the Amish people. Also take a sip if you hear the words “ordnung” twice in a one-minute span.
- Constable Paul Castline shows up at an Amish crime scene about ten minutes after everyone has left, and then does his “Which way did they go? Which way did they go?” detective routine. I swear, Constable Paul Castline is the most ineffective police officer on television since the day when Officer Dibble patrolled the New York City alleyways in search of Top Cat and his gang.
- A knife is thrown at something. Two drinks if it’s Lebanon Levi throwing the knife into the floor.
- Someone references an Amish Mafia cast member who isn’t on the show any more.
- Alan Beiler reminisces about how Lebanon Levi put him in jail. Another drink if Alan Beiler goes back to jail anyways.
- Duevil Doug shoots something. Two drinks if he shoots something with different camera angles recording the events.
- Something hapnes that involves a goat. Because – hey – it’s a goat.
- Caleb whines about not being accepted by Levi.
- Caleb reminding everyone that he’s a Brethren.
- Caleb reminding everyone that he’s not Amish.
- Caleb reminding everyone that he’s got more whine in him than Ernest and Julio Gallo.
Okay? Got your beverages? Let’s start watching.
As always, the Amish Church disavows the existence of the Amish Mafia. The Amish Church also disavows BUI – you know, buggying while under the influence. So get that designated buggy-driver and let’s crank up the crazy violins and the rapid slow-motion blurred-face episode!
So we start off with Merlin and Mary moving to Lancaser County; we have an Amish horse-repossession unit; Levi and Merlin walk through fire; and something goes boom.
But we begin with Caleb and Duivel Doug headed toward one of Doug’s Mennonite-operated buggy tourism schemes. And we get a factoid about how the Amish businesses help garner tourism in the County. And as we get back to our storyline, Doug provides Caleb with new buggies to replace the ones that were mysteriously smashed to smithereens. And Caleb figures out that if he takes these buggies from Duivel Doug, he’s going to be indebted to Duivel Doug.
And we get another recap about an Amish buggy getting attacked on Eby Road. And it looks like some of the Amish have beefs with the Mennonites – and the Amish are now going to the one person who they think can help them. Yep. Time to call in Lebanon Levi and his crew. Or what’s left of his crew.
Meanwhile, in Paradise, Pa., Merlin Miller and his main squeeze Croquet-Mallet Mary Troyer are traveling through the County to spread Merlin’s Ordnung. And look who zips by – it’s a black-bumper Mennoninte car. And as the car turns around, the driver maneuvers the car to try to upset the horse. Merlin jumps out, and while foot-running over a piece of horse manure, he chastises and chases away the Mennonite “beasts,” as he calls them.
So Levi’s trying to get the band together, and Caleb’s not answering his phone. Levi heard some rumors that Caleb might be with other “people” – maybe it’s the same people who wear white button-down shirts and paint the chrome on their cars black. And we get a lesson on the styles of clothing. The Amish must wear solid colors and buttons, while the Mennonites wear zippers on their clothing. Yep, like last week, it’s the Anabaptist version of the Crips and the Bloods.
Apparently there’s an upcoming Harvest Festival – I mean, it’s not as big as the Ascenction Day festival from a couple of seasons ago, but it’s still kinda important to set up that Amish people like to have picnics and play cornhole. And before all of you start wondering if that’s some sort of weird, perverted Amish sex game, I can assure you that “cornhole” is simply tossing bean bags into a box – it’s a throwing game similar to horseshoes. So stop being a cornhole about these things.
Everybody’s having a great time, but Levi’s still got his mind on Caleb and what he’s up to. And we get some home camera footage of a couple of black-bumper cars and a big utility truck plowing through and running over the picnic grounds. The horses run away. The truck runs through the picnic grounds and plows through a picnic truck or three. And that is some seriously crazy independent camera footage. It almost looks as if one of the Discovery Channel camera crew found an old Motorola RAZR phone, flipped it open, and recorded until the phone’s internal memory chip gave out.
And we now have a Leaders Meeting. Now the last time they had one of these, Lebanon Levi got an ass-chewing about how the Amish Mafia show has ruined the image of Amish and has caused trouble. Everybody’s showing up… although I’m still wondering if Paul and his horde of unwashed Kentucky Amish have stopped to get a shoo-fly pie or three dozen and haven’t reached the Leaders Meeting yet.
The bishop has called in all the leaders of the Amish communities – including Merlin Miller. And that doesn’t sit well with Levi. But they have to work together to repel the invasion of the rogue Mennonites. Levi’s still not happy. But he and Merlin now have to go through some sort of ritual to work together. They have to walk through a burning field of fire and manure. One person is blindfolded and the second person must lead the blind person through the flames by voice command only. One wrong turn, and the show changes from Amish Mafia to Amish Barbecue. Levi walks through blindfolded. Now it’s Merlin’s turn. And somehow Merlin makes his way through the burning turnips and turds. And the two are now brothers through blood and fire and manure. The Bishop recites a solemn ceremony. Does this mean they’re now partners, or did they become married?
Meanwhile, Attorney Stven Breit has a conversation with District Attorney Craig Stedman. Don’t know what that’s all about. Might be misdirection on the part of the producers. Don’t know.
Levi gets a message. And after reacting to the message, it’s off to what looks like some tavern – with Samuel Adams on tap. And it’s at this bar where Levi meets up with Merlin. And the two decide that it’s better to put their differences aside in an effort to quell the incursion of the rogue Mennonites. Someone take a moment and remind me. Why are the police not keeping these warring factions apart? Did Constable Paul Castline suddenly end up in the forest, walking through the woods with a big ol’ blunderbuss, trying to decide if it’s either duck season or wabbit season?
Well well well, it looks as if Levi’s discovered the buggy business that Doug’s been masterminding. But I guess Doug didn’t realize that those buggies are being towed with Levi’s horse stock. And Levi decided to reclaim – repossess – oh hell, he just stole the horses back. A little Amish repo business.
Hey look, it’s Alan Beiler. And he’s focused on trying to take care of his family and clearing his father’s name. And if Duivel Doug can clear Alan Beiler’s father’s name, then Alan’s gotta do what Alan’s gotta do.
Levi and Steven Breit have a little conversation about the Governor coming to town about the Amish Mafia TV show. Oh yeah, forgot about that plotline – that the show is so terrible that the Governor of Pennsylvania wants to shut down the TV show. The plan was for Breit to make sure Levi knew what was going on, so that Levi wouldn’t cause trouble. Oh yeah, that’s like putting shoo-fly pies on the windowsill and not expecting flies to find them.
So Merlin and Levi decide to – shall we say – crash the party. Remind me again… since when do the Amish get involved in politics? Merlin tries to speak with anyone who will listen – reporters, public aides, etc. I wonder how the government in Ohio would feel about their native Holmes County, Ohio Amish leader doing all his arguments in Pennsylvania. Ha.
Governor Corbett begins to speak to the teeming masses of assembled multitudes at the Lancaster County Airport (where they just added a brand new four-seater Flying Jenny), and government security try to keep Merlin away from the Governor. And they get pushed further and further back. Security keep moving Levi and Merlin to the back of the event. Trust me on this. Security doesn’t want Merlin bringing in his hired help to put a hatchet through the Governor’s limousine windshield. Levi gripes… and he says to the camera, “I’m a taxpayer, I have rights.’ So since when do the Amish people pay taxes? Geez, Levi, next thing you’re going to tall me is that you have a Social Security number and a college education.
Meanwhile, the Governor’s security force keeps pushing Merlin and Levi further and further away. And we keep getting news clips about how the Governor wants Amish Mafia the TV show off the air. News flash. Wait six more episodes, Governor Corbett and you’ll get your wish.
And Levi wants the Governor out of office, so he has a radical idea. Let’s get the Amish to vote. Hey look, it’s ‘constable Paul Castline! And he’s tailing Levi again. Again? Again. And Levi’s going farm to farm, buggy to buggy, trying to get 50,000 Amish-eligible voters to vote. He want Amish men to vote. He wants Amish women to vote. He wants the blurred-out-faced Amish to vote. And after Levi goes into a small single-story brick house, Constable Paul Castline watches from afar. And Constable Paul Castline has no idea why Levi’s visiting this house.
Meanwhile, Merlin decides he’s going to find out more about the troublemaking Mennonites, and he sends in his secret weapon – Croquet-Mallet Mary Troyer. Apparently all that Schwartzntruber Amish woman has to do is flash that extra flap of tire-skin around her neck, and men will fall in a swoon. Sorry, I just threw up a little in my mouth. And somehow Mary gets one of the Mennonites to fall into her trap. Merlin ties down the Mennonite into a chair. And Merlin has a plan. He’s going to pour honey and oats on the captured Mennonite’s bare legs and lap… and then have a goat lick all the honey and oats off the man’s body.
Okay, I need to take a moment and realize what I just typed. Merlin Miller (no relation, thank God) is going to use the ancient torture technique of goat-boarding. Yep, he’s going to pour stuff onto a man’s body and have a goat lick it all off. This is supposed to cause great harm and pain. It also causes me to heave chunks. Hey, we could have saved us lots of trouble in the Middle East. We could have captured prisoners, dumped some honey and oats on their bodies, and then fed them to the goats. And who says the Amish aren’t skilled at war tactics?
And now for today’s Amish factoid. Constable Paul Castline in the channel 25 news chopper, and he tries to identify the difference between the Amish and Mennonite farms; he also points out where Levi used to have his barn and base of operations before Merlin burned it to the ground way back in Season 1. Hey, who needs buggy rides through Amish country when you can hire Constable Paul Castline as your eye-in-the-sky tour guide?
The torture continues. Merlin tries to find out more about Duivel Doug. The captured Mennonite won’t talk. And according to Merlin, ve haff vays of makink you talk. And the vays ve vill make you talk is the interaction with a goat. The goats are here to cleanse your sins, says Merlin. Merlin pours oats and honey on the guy’s bare legs. And finally, the Mennonite spills his honey-and-oat-stained guts. Merlin gets the info.
And in the final moments, a black-bumpered Mennonite car drives up to the weapons shed. And sure enough… Doug’s armory goes BOOM!! So who blew up Doug’s guns ‘n ammo? Don’t know, but I got a suspicion that Alvin Lentz is around somewhere…
Next time on Amish Mafia… has the partnership between Merlin and Levi deteriorated? Are we going to see Caleb and Duivel Doug fighting back against Levi’s actions? And did I just see Levi take his new main squeeze, Charity Church Susanna, down to Florida? Wow, what would Esther think of that?
Don’t know. But I guess we’ll find out next week!
Oh, and as for the drinking game tonight… I probably shouldn’t drive tomorrow. Either a buggy or a Chevy. 🙂