Wait, I thought I was done.
Well, maybe I’m not. Because after I reviewed what aI THOUGHT was the final episode, there’s a final “final” recap episode. Man, this show won’t die, will it?
The announcers reveal that Lebanon Levi King Stoltzfus has been living a doppel leben – a double life, with a child out of wedlock. He has nothing left to give. He has nothing left to protect. Levi has been shunned – excommunicated – and kicked out of the Amish community.
But on January 30, 2015, Levi announces that he’s working with a book agent and a publisher, and he calls in the old producers to chronicle all of this.
Levi wants to do a tell-all book about the Amish, and what goes on behind the sceneds. Puppy mills. Drugs. Bestiality. In other words, Levi’s going to sing like a canary.
We get some overviews by the producer about shunning, and we receive an interview with Susan Fisher, an Amish woman who was shunned by the community. The Mennonites rejected shunning, while the Amish still practice it. And several members of the Amish Mafia show received shunning – including Mary Troyer, and Alan Beiler’s mother (who as an Amish woman married a Mennonite man, which got her shunned by the Amish).
Meanwhile, we get an interview with Levi’s mistress / baby mama. And of course we now know that Levi’s into blurred-faced women. We get the implication that Amish Aid may have paid for Levi’s mistress’s designer bags. And she boasts that Levi is a stallion in bed. But Levi’s mistress has a secret of her own. When Levi’s mistress found out she was pregnant, she told him – and she saw his heart sink. And that she didn’t want to be his dirty little secret. If Lebanon Levi is a star, then Levi’s mistress wants her day in the sun. And as we go to commercial, hey look there’s a commercial for an erectile dysfunction drug. I wonder if there’s something in the ordnung about the use of Viagra? Beats me…
Now we get a recap between Levi and the castmembers of Season 3, to the point where we thought the show had ended. And now we get the “Governor Tom Corbett wants the show cancelled” plotline, which meant that Levi decided to come back. And the Lancaster Board of Tourism and respectamish.org, they also wanted the show to end as well. But Levi found a way to get the show back on the air, even if it meant continuing the show without Alvin, Jolin and the Schmuckers. We get the storyline that Alvin Lentz found a girl and moved to Florida, and that Jolin Zimmerman moved to Texas and stayed off the air. And John Schmucker goes back to jail.
Oh wait, there’s some footage of Esther Freeman Schmucker, both in her Amish garb and in English clothing. Talk about leading a doppel leben of her own. We get private investigator footage of Esther in English garb and flirting with English guys. Big surprise, eh? And of course, how about some footage of Esther Schmucker getting her face pulverized with MirKat? Yeah, that’s classy, producers. Nothing like trotting out Esther’s broken face one more time. Urgh.
And who’s running Lancaster’s Amish Aid? Alan Beiler, of course. He said that two bishops – one Mennonite, one Amish – visited him to try to broker the peace between the religions. And who better than the Schwarz Amish to take care of this? Only took them four years and two stints for Alan in the Perry County Jail to figure all this out.
Oh crap, now we’re going to get another recap about Sam Mullet and his hate crimes against several Amish families in Bergholz, Ohio. And after Sam Mullet returns to prison, Merlin gets another vision from God, in that he should marry Mary Troyer as part of the Merlin Miller Amish sect, and that he should write his own ordnung – the bodenkunde, if you will…
Now it’s a recap of what happens to Amish children after their eighth-grade education. Levi’s book promises to tell about incest and child abuse in Amish communities. We get some recaps of some of the child abuse that occurred to some of the Amish Mafia cast, including Alan Beiler talking about getting abused as a child. And now we get an interview with Riki Karolyi, who works with abused Amish women and we get her story about what types of services are available to these battered women. And they came up with a cookbook – a recipe for a ham casserole on one side of the book, and on the other side – recipes for escaping the type of battering that doesn’t involve eggs and an oven. Merlin also promises that sexual abuse will not be tolerated in his Merlin Miller Amish sect. Hmm… does that mean nobody’s going to get coated in honey and oats and have a goat lick their bare skin? Oh, well maybe that’s just for garnering information from non-talkative Mennonites…
Oh look, we get some candid comments about how Levi feels about Constable Paul Castline. And Levi’s pretty candid, keeps calling him shady, to the point where he tried to get Alvin drunk and then arrest him for drunkenness. Right. These are candid moments. Same old overacting Levi King Stoltzfus.
And now it’s time for the relationship between humans and animals – including exploding cow farts and drug-carrying pigeons. Ugh. Now we’re talking about Amish bestiality. Would you excuse me for a second? I’m going to go throw up right now.
Sorry about that. Okay, I’m back. Now we get stories about horse dealers that sell less-than-quality horses. And Duivel Doug recalls someone at a horse auction actually punching a horse in the face and knocking the horse to the ground with the punch. Oh wait… wasn’t that Alex Karras in Blazing Saddles that did that?
And the final Amish Mafia factoid – Constable Paul Castline had a pending lawsuit made public. And because of this, Constable Paul Castline hassles one of the show’s producers and takes him down to the police station. The producer was released, and according to the intertitle, is now contemplating a lawsuit of his own. At this rate, Constable Paul Castline is probably looking at writing traffic tickets or being a replacement school crossing guard by the time this show airs. Just sayin’ is all…
And in the final six minutes of the series ticks away, we get a montage of explosions and farmland. Alan Beiler is once again shown as the leader of Amish Aid, and with the possibility of getting Amish and Mennonites to work together. And Merlin Miller has seven years to create his own Amish sect, as Wilmot, Ohio will be the home of the Merlin Miller Amish. And as for Lebanon Levi? He’s got a book out.
The final seconds are narrated by, of all things, Esther Freeman Schmucker, who repeats the same narration from the show’s premiere episode. And we get photos and still shots of all the Amish Mafia characters and actors. All the fire. Burning of green corn. Hut parties. Buggy rides. Buggies getting flipped over and destroyed. Hatches through windshields. Manure thrown on Merlin. Esther and Levi fighting. Buggies getting blown up. Raw milk getting busted. paul throwing a hatchet. “Stop talking Back!” The Amish exorcism. Caleb getting in a fight. Mud parties. Esther slapping Levi. More explosions. A cannon takes out a silo. Gunshots. Explosions. Levi throws a knife. More explosions. More property damage. Boom. Boom. Boom. And Esther saying, “Yes, there really is an Amish Mafia.” And … scene.
So essentially the final episode of Amish Mafia – for all that it stands for – is essentially an infomercial for Lebanon Levi’s tell-all (wink wink) book. Oh man, let me run to Amazon.com and order a copy! And it’s also an infomercial for joining the Merlin Miller Amish sect. It will become the most successful Amish sect out there.
And maybe, just maybe, it might be ripe for a brand new television series on the Discovery Channel some day.
And if it does… I’ll be there to review it.
Thanks Discovery Channel, for four seasons of Amish Mafia wackiness. It was real, it was fun, not sure if it was real fun…
but I guess that’s the way the shoo-fly pie crumbles.