I thought about this the other day. There are so many television dramas that seem to revolve around murders and robberies and crimes that you would think people would have moved out long ago. In droves. Or maybe they can’t. Or maybe they’re just not able to do so.
Trust me. For every Mayberry, there’s a King’s Landing. For every Port Charles, there’s a Llandview. For every Mercy, Saskatchewan, there’s a Dog River, Saskatchewan. And for this blog post, I wanted to chronicle some towns and cities that only exist on television – or were adapted from other media and turned into television shows. These are the places where the Chamber of Commerce must have gone nuts trying to promote tourism.
There’s a few exceptions to this post. I’m only listing fictional cities, not fictional versions of real cities (i.e., no Los Angeles a la Dragnet, no New York la Law and Order, no Las Vegas / Miami / New York City a la CSI). These have to be cities on Earth (sorry, Caprica). And the cities and towns have to be identified in some tangible way; the generic Chicago of Hill Street Blues and the generic Toronto of Flashpoint are off the table.
So here are several cities where the property values are probably lower than the lines to the septic tanks. They would include:
There’s demons in the freakin’ high school! There’s vampires and ghosts and other creatures of the night! You want to enroll your kid at the local high school? I hear that’s the hellmouth for the big bads! Forget that, we’re moving to…
Cabot Cove, Maine.
Oh no I’m not! There’s this one woman who lives there, and every time she comes around, someone gets murdered! Yeah, she ends up solving the mysteries each time, but still… she shows up at your door with a housewarming gift and says, “Hi neighbor” in that quaint New England-meets-Olde-England accent, you better put a FOR SALE sign and move up the coast to…
Oh HELL no. This town is filled with witches and pirates and some old guy known as the “Dark One,” and all of them are skilled in magic and wizardry. And the town itself is under a curse, no one can leave, no one can enter without some sort of magic talisman. Forget that. I’m burning rubber out and finding a new home in…
Chester’s Mill, Possibly in Maine.
Are you freakin’ kidding me? The town has a big fat impervious dome over it! A dome that makes people want to fight each other and kill each other and act totally stupid! I don’t need to live in an upside-down fishbowl, and neither should you. That’s it, I’m calling my realtor and moving to…
Angel Grove, Calif.
Not a freakin’ chance. Every week they’ve got monsters fighting with cosplayers, and then all of a sudden one of the monsters grows 40 feet tall! Then the cosplayers jump into their customized sport utility vehicles and bond together into a 40-foot-tall fighting robot! Buildings get knocked down! People get trampled!! This is not a place to bring up children!!! Okay, new start, new locale. And I’m moving to…
The City of Townsville
Right. There’s three flying girls battling a bunch of evil monsters and criminals and stuff. I can’t go to work while worrying that somebody’s going to drop a building on my car! I shouldn’t have to hire Underdog to be my chauffeur!
Geez, where can a person relocate at this point in time?
I know… I’ll move to Gotham City.
Then again, maybe not. The crime in Gotham City has been so relentless, the police are ineffective, and the only person out there who can stop these villains from ruining my property values is a guy in a cape and tights. Yeah. Forget this, I’m pulling up roots and finding a new home in …
Right. This is a town where a respected doctor was convicted on circumstantial evidence and had to flee for his life for four years, while a police lieutenant obsessed with the case pursued him relentlessly. Yeah, corrupt police. That’s really where I want to live.
Forget it. I’m moving back home.
Unless there’s an even more dangerous television town to visit.
If you know of one… feel free to NOT send me any realtor information for it. Ha.