I thought about this the other day. This is the first time in my life, since the day I first reached the age of voting maturity, that there really isn’t a candidate I can vote for in the upcoming Presidential election.
Honestly, I’m disappointed with all the candidates. Maybe there’s a reason to vote for one or the other … but as far as I’m concerned, none of them deserve my vote. And it’s not like I can ask for Obama to run for President again. Some Constitutional amendment sorta put the kibosh on that.
So I need a candidate. Someone who’s smart. Someone who’s dedicated. Someone who can tell it like it is, and isn’t afraid of controversy. Someone who can explain details to Joe Public in simple and effective language. And, of course, someone who isn’t afraid to make fun of himself.
So with that in mind…
When I enter the polling place in November to cast my vote…
I’m casting a write-in vote for Keith Olbermann for President.
Yes. This guy.
If you’ve never heard of Keith Olbermann, let me help you out. Over his years, Keith Olbermann has been a reporter, an anchorman, a political pundit, a raconteur, a humorist and a seeker of truth.
Trust me. This is a man who once figured out that a Honus Wagner T-206 baseball card that sold for a gazillion dollars was actually shaved and trimmed to make the card’s corners seem sharper than a 100-year-old paper trading card should appear. If he can comport that much detail on a little picture of a baseball player from a pack of cigarettes, then figuring out foreign policy should be a snap.
And of course, Keith Olbermann will get to the bottom of the story and find the truth, no matter how fragmented that truth might be. There can’t be a $15/hour minimum wage in this country until real issues are solved – like, for example, the forgiveness for placing the blame on Fred Merkle for costing the New York Giants the baseball pennant.
And it’s not like Keith Olbermann hasn’t discussed or introduced us to the concept of budget cuts and tax breaks and the like. Hey, here’s a clip from 2010 in which he talks about some senator from Vermont who commandeered the Senate floor and talked and talked and talked and talked…
And let’s face it. Sometimes you have to stand up for the person who gets bullied by the fifth estate. Someone picks on one of Keith Olbermann’s colleagues for daring to use a quotation from F. Scott Fitzgerald to describe a quarterback who reached the ultimate dream of playing in the Super Bowl? Do that and you’ll end up on Keith Olbermann’s “Worst Persons in the World” wrapup.
That’s right. You want to battle in Congress with underhanded tactics and the like? Well, guess what. Your worst nightmare would be a prime-time broadcast from the Oval Office, in which President Olbermann would address the nation by listing you in a statement that began, “First, the miscrants, losers and riff raff, the unwashed and unloved, don’t take it completely seriously, don’t be completely literally, they’re just the worst persons in the world.”
And while it is important that a President be serious and determined and provocative in his term in office, so too should a President have a sense of humor. And in this case, President Keith Olbermann would have all of that. I mean, have you ever seen his Oddball clips? Trust me, when you hear the phrase “perhaps waiting for the foot fairy to swap it out for a dollar or something,” you’ll be rolling on the floor laughing. And, in all honesty, shouldn’t we have lots of laughter in our lives?
And a President should not be afraid to poke fun at himself. A President should not be so thick-skinned as to snipe back at the media when they criticize him. And although it will be a bit of a stretch of time and commitment, I still think that President Keith Olbermann will still have time to do guest voice-over work on the Netflix cartoon Bojack Horseman.
This would be a great Presidential legacy. Can you imagine President Keith Olbermann’s cabinet? Vice President Michael Moore. Secretary of State Jim Rome. Secretary of the Treasury Chris Rock. And you laugh at me about these suggestions, but I assure you… it could have been frighteningly worse.
Yeah. That. Especially that.
And yes, I understand that today’s blog post is an act of satire, a push for something different in this crazy election year. The fact is, I don’t want to be told, “You have to vote for one of these candidates, whether you like them or not. And if you don’t vote for the candidate that I support, then your vote is wasted.”
Honestly, there isn’t a candidate in this Presidential year that would earn my vote.
So Keith Olbermann, hear me out. File those papers. Get out on the campaign trail. Shake hands. Kiss babies. Show these candidates that you have the mental acumen to take them down in a political game of the Dirty Dozens.
We’ve had third-party candidates run for President before, and they’ve made noise. Ross Perot. John Anderson, Ralph Nader. Pat Freakin’ Paulsen.
This is your time to shine. Make it happen, President Keith Olbermann.
And once you win the election… once you stand on the steps of the Oval Office and place your hand on the Bible and take the Oath of Office…
You can finally do what you’ve wanted to do for AGES.
You can issue a Presidential pardon to Fred Merkle, and strike the word “Bonehead” from his obituary.
And if that’s not enough of an incentive to start your campaign…
Then I don’t know what else I can tell you.
I’ve done all the damage I can here, so go forward and spread joy and light. Good night and good luck.