The proper bed.

So things take a while for me. It happens. I’m a creature of habit.

Let me explain.

In 2010, I was going through a divorce. Of course, with a divorce, there is the necessary dividing-up of items. It involved me moving out of the Pine Hills home I shared with my soon-to-be-ex-wife, and into a smaller apartment in Green Island, where I still live today. For weeks, I drove from one locale to the other, schlepping items from old home to new.

At one point, I decided to call in my friends to help in the moving. We rented a U-Haul, drove to Pine Hills, and started loading furniture and the like. We had two beds in the house, I was about to take one, when my wife said that I was not allowed to take any of the beds. “I need both of them,” she said.

I know what that meant. As far as she was concerned, I could sleep on the floor and like it. And that would make her happy.

Instantly, one of my friends gave me a wink and said, “Don’t worry about it, Chuck, I have a spare bed I can lend you.”

And true enough, I had a bed. It was one of those fold-out-when-an-unexpected-guest-arrives beds, but it was comfy enough. I slept on that for a few years, until my friend contacted me and said that she needed it back, so that someone else could sleep on it.

Hey, it was a loaner.

By that time, I had acquired a futon – you know, couch folds out into a bed. But the futon was of a less-than-quality manufacturing setup, so that didn’t last very long.

By 2016, I had acquired a sofabed from Huck Finn’s. And things with the sofabed worked out well … as well as could be expected … until the coils in the sofabed started poking through the mattress, and after they poked through the mattress, they poked through my flesh. And the metal frame of the sofabed became more and more uncomfortable with every slumber.

By 2019, I ditched the mattress, and ordered one of those newfangled memory-foam mattresses. Felt good. Felt comfy. Had a restful night. Next morning, I folded the mattress up into the sofa. That night, I went to pull the mattress out of the sofa. Nearly wrenched my back, because the mattress got wedged inside the sofa.


I got the mattress out – somehow – but I wasn’t taking a chance. That sofabed was now a sofa. I stowed the mattress in my bedroom, and slept on it – sans box spring, sans bed frame, just a mattress on the floor. Yeah, Chuck is a Bohemian, why not rhapsodize about it? This is the real life, it ain’t just fantasy…

Then came 2020. And a call from the neighborhood. Someone was thrown out of their house with nothing but the clothes on their back, did anyone have a mattress to spare?

You know what? I’ll sleep on the floor itself, if it means that someone has a mattress of their own.

Of course, that now means I’m sleeping on the floor.

But not for long.

In October 2020 – after ten years of living in the Town and Village – I finally acquired my own designated bed. Not a futon-bed. Not a sofa-bed. Not a sleep-on-the-carpet bed. Huck Finn’s delivered it, I put it in a corner of my bedroom so that I can wake up, look out the window, and see whatever rain storm or snowstorm might plow through.

And for an extra $100, I received two pull-out drawers, so that I can place important things under the bed. You know, like extra sheets, extra blankets, extra copies of MAD Magazine…

So I have a new bed. Let’s at least make it look like I didn’t get my sheets and pillow cases and blankets from the mix-and-match store.

See, in 2018, I acquired one of those classic Hudson’s Bay “point blankets” – you know, the ones that are 100% wool and have those colored stripes on them? Well, I had the blanket … but I wanted the matching sheets and pillow cases.

Only one problem. Hudson’s Bay doesn’t deliver to the United States.

But Hudson’s Bay does deliver in Canada, so I had a friend in Canada accept the package, and then mail it to me in New York. Trust me, these are not the $10 sheet set packs that you buy at the outlet store. These are flannel sheets with the candy-colored stripes that match the candy-colored stripes of my super-warm wool blanket. Don’t give me any grief, Chuck is trying to be stylish. Besides, I’ve worked with the National Basketball League of Canada for ten years now, that qualifies me to be at least 1/10th Canadian. It’s what it’s all aboot, eh?

I put the contoured sheet on the mattress and … it didn’t fit. The mattress was a twin mattress, for sure, but it was a thick twin. A quick trip to Walmart, four elastic clip-on straps for all four corners of the mattress, and … there. Contoured sheet fits. And once the contoured sheet was installed, I was able to add the top sheet, pack the pillow case, break out my wool point blanket … and …

Now, if you’ll excuse me … it’s kinda late, and I want to get some sleep.

Night night.