The “Lesbian Mafia” are coming for you!!

I cannot believe I’m actually blogging about this.

But it’s too funny to pass up.

So, in Yelm, Washington, somewhere near Olympia and an hour’s drive south of Seattle, a man was arrested after a fight in a Walmart parking lot. He insisted that he had been attacked by the “Lesbian Mafia,” who had conscripted his girlfriend to join them.

No, there are no references to Penny Pax or Mia Khalifa in this story.

Here’s the link from the Nisqually Valley News.

I mean, here’s three paragraphs from the article.

The man, who said he is currently homeless but doesn’t use alcohol or drugs and appeared to be sober and cleanly dressed, told police he was being stalked by a large group of lesbian females who had formed a “mafia” style gang. 

The victim told police that the group had been harassing him for months and that his ex- -girlfriend had been converted to join the group and had subsequently kicked him out of their shared residence. He said he had been living at an Olympia homeless shelter but had been unfairly evicted. 

His ex-girlfriend, he said, began dating another female but broke off the relationship and took up with another female. On Sunday, the ex-girlfriend’s first lover and her friend saw the man enter Walmart and followed him inside. At that point, he told the officer, one woman purposely began a fight by punching and clawing his face because she is jealous and hates him for being a heterosexual male, he claimed.

Nisqually Valley News, Oct. 20, 2020

Okay, I’m confused. Shouldn’t this be reported in the Penthouse Forum, and start with the words “Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me…”

But seriously… the Lesbian Mafia?

And mind you, this is coming from someone who spent four years recapping episodes of Amish Mafia.

So, pray tell, what would actually constitute a “Lesbian Mafia”? Do they sit around and have coffee klatches about their favorite character on Orange is the New Black? Are they of the belief that Dolly Parton’s “Jolene” was actually a song about how Dolly wanted Jolene for herself?

And for that matter … what the hell is going on in Yelm, Washington? I mean, right off the bat, you’ve got the stupidest name for a town I’ve ever heard – Yelm – it’s like you’re trying to say one thing and it’s coming out another. Then I find out that Yelm was originally known as Shelm, so you’re taking one silly name and replacing it with another. Gotcha.

But come on … a Lesbian Mafia? Seriously?

I got nothing here. This is on you, Yelm, Washington.