So here’s the deal. When Christmas comes, I need to bring gift-wrapped packages to that special someone. But, as you know, I am a bachelor. And bachelors do, well, let’s say, bachelor things.
And that includes the fine art of wrapping Christmas presents.
See, in the past, my tactic for wrapping gifts was this. Take the gift, go to Boscov’s in Colonie Center, and have them wrap it. It’s only a few dollars for them to wrap for you, if you didn’t buy the item at Boscov’s. Easy-peasy, no muss, no fuss.
You don’t have a Boscov’s in your area? Well, that’s no problem either. At this time of year, every shopping mall has at least three different charitable organizations who, for a small donation to their fund, will cheerfully wrap your Christmas presents for you. Simple like a dimple.
Oh, yeah. Forgot about the COVID-19 pandemic. I’m staying out of shopping malls for the foreseeable future.
Which means … I’ve got gifts to wrap for tomorrow.
Okay, Miller. Time to dive into the bag of bachelor life skills.
First. If a package came from an online retailer, it will arrive in a shipping box. Remove the mailing label. Now you can wrap the Christmas gift in the box it came in. And in this pandemic, there’s at least ten or fifteen Amazon boxes laying around the home (they’re the ones with that curious alphanumeric “A3” or “B4” code on them). Simply drop your item in the box, tape it up (duct tape is suitable), and then you’re set.
Oh, yeah. You gotta get the wrapping paper.
Any dollar store right now will sell you oodles of colorful wrapping paper for a couple of coins. All you need to make your gift festive is wrapping paper and Scotch tape. Factor this in. You have four presents, purchase four rolls of wrapping paper.
Unroll the wrapping paper, color side down. Place your item in the center of the wrapping paper. Try to fold the paper up so that it covers all sides of the box. Tape when necessary. Tape down all wrinkles. Tape down all possible rips and tears. If you have any exposed areas where there wasn’t enough wrapping paper, or the wrapping paper decide to split at the worst possible time … switch from Scotch tape to duct tape. Do not argue with me on the use of duct tape, it is the handyman’s secret weapon. So sayeth the great Red Green.
If you have three people to whom you will bestow Christmas gifts, get three different styles of wrapping paper. Make sure person A gets the paper with the snowflakes, person B gets the paper with the candy canes, and person C gets the paper with the Santa Clauses. And remember WHO GETS WHAT. This way, you don’t accidentally give your future mother-in-law the diamond necklace, and you give your soon-to-be fiancee a box of bird seed suet.
Hey, did you remember to remove all price tags and invoices from your gifts?
Unwrap the gifts, open them up, get that paperwork out of there, run back to the dollar store, get more wrapping paper and Scotch tape. The soon-to-be-fiancee doesn’t need to know how much you spent on that gold-dipped rose from Steven Singer Jewelers. And she sure as hell doesn’t need to know that you directly ordered that brand new Willow Tree accessory from the company itself, because it was one of the new 2020 editions of Willow Tree figurines and, well, she loves Willow Tree stuff.
Oh, and this year, make damn sure you got something from a local merchant. This pandemic has clobbered everyone. And give yourself plenty of time to get it made, sculpted, forged, carved, whatever. You can use your trusted dealers of choice, like if you want to take one of your sweet photographs and have, oh, I don’t know, McGreevy Pro Lab – my pro lab of choice – turn it into a Giclee painting, where they spray the ink on canvas, then frame it up to look like it belongs in an art gallery.
Or if you know someone who’s branching out into their own world of gemology, ask them to create a custom-crafted ring and earring set. This way, you’re helping someone bring some Christmas joy to their family, and you’re getting some awesome Christmas joy to bestow on your special someone. By the way, I hear opals are quite the positive fashion statement this year. Hint hint hint.
Get everything wrapped up nicely. And this is 2020, so people, I shouldn’t have to say this, but please follow social distancing guidelines and safety this holiday season. We can’t all be together, so please be considerate of your surroundings. Nobody wants COVID-19 as a Christmas gift.
Last thing, though. If you want some Christmas music to go with your holiday, tune in tomorrow night at 8:00 P.M. Eastern on 88.7, WHCL-FM, Clinton, New York – heard worldwide at http://www.whcl.org – for a special Christmas night “Nightowl Radio Show” program. The playlist will be posted on tomorrow’s blog.
Okay. Back to gift wrapping. Aw, crud. Out of wrapping paper. Back to the dollar store.
At this point in time, these gifts are going to be wrapped up more than King Tut.