McDonald’s current “Hacks” menu doesn’t even contain the best hacks.

I’ve written about McDonald’s secret “hacks” menu before. Depending on whether you can get a McDonald’s who has the time to make a special sandwich out of the available ingredients in a “mix and match” method, you can get unique meals that would probably make Ray Kroc wince.

Well, recently McDonald’s offered a promotion where they would officially release some of the most popular “hacked” sandwiches as part of their regular menu. So last night, I pulled up to the McDonald’s and ordered a “Crunchy Double.” A Crunchy Double, if you’re curious, is a double cheeseburger with Chicken McNuggets in it. There’s also a “Land, Sea and Air” burger that consists of a cheeseburger, a McChicken and a Filet-o-Fish, but I didn’t want that yesterday because that’s a lot of sandwich, and how is a “chicken” considered the “air” part of the sandwich, when chickens don’t fly in the air?

Anyways, I pulled up to the drive-thru and ordered a Crunchy Double. The server handed me my food. And surprisingly, I didn’t get a Crunchy Double Instead, I got the double cheeseburger AND the McNuggets, so I guess the plan was for me to make my own “hack” food out of the order. Instead of getting a fully-formed sandwich, I had to take the sandwich apart, put the McNuggets on it, and put the sandwich back together.

Jeez, you would think I had ordered an old McDLT from back in the day, where you have to assemble the sandwich after you purchase it

But the thing is, that’s not truly a “hack” meal. It’s a meal that you can hack your own food with. That’s not the same thing.

Because, trust me, if McDonald’s REALLY wanted to give me a truly hacked “secret” menu, then they need to add a few things.

  • I need the Mc10:35 burger. That is a Quarter Pounder with the contents of an Egg McMuffin (Canadian bacon, egg, cheese) added in the bun. You could only get this treat when McDonald’s switched between their breakfast and lunch menus between 10:30 am and 11:00 am, so that you could get all the ingredients.
  • The McNasty Burger. A simple McDouble, but instead of mustard and ketchup, you ask for Big Mac sauce and lettuce. Nice and tasty and tangy.
  • The McKinley Mac. Lots of beef here, you use Quarter Pounder patties instead of standard hamburger patties (which are technically 1/10th of a pound, trust me, I worked at a McDonald’s in my youth, I know this). This thing has a monster taste to it.
  • The Manly McRib. It’s a McRib sandwich, but you put a layer of French Fries in the sandwich as well. Trust me, the McRib sauce holds the French Fries in place.
  • And finally … how can you have a hacked McDonald’s menu without the greatest McHack of all … the McGangBang burger? Simple stuff here – a McChicken patty jammed into a McDouble. More McGangBang for your McBuck.

So really, what McDonald’s is offering isn’t really a “hacked” menu, it’s just another meal plan where you build your own food at home. Big whoop.

Well, at least McDonald’s tried. I’ll give them that.

Maybe next time they could McTry a little harder.