By: Chuck Miller
Writing

I lost track. Is Marjorie Taylor Greene a frog or a locust?

I swear, the only reason Marjorie Taylor Greene isn’t classified as the dumbest member of Congress is because she sometimes gets overtaken by Matt Gaetz and/or Lauren Boebert.

Anyway, Ms. Greene – whose name can be anagrammed to “MAGA Eyeliner JO Terror” – has come up with a new screed. Between last Friday’s 4.8 Richter scale earthquake in New Jersey, and the upcoming solar eclipse this Monday, apparently someone seems to think this is the indication of the end times.

Of course, she already got a visit from that social media platform’s community notes.

But let’s assume, for the moment, that Marjorie Taylor Greene is right. And yeah, I just threw up in my mouth for saying that. Let’s say that an earthquake and an eclipse is the sign of the Rapture and the Tribulation and the Apocalypse.

First things first. Let’s examine the earthquake. The epicenter of the earthquake was in Lebanon, New Jersey. Just a few feet away from … oh, let’s see what Google Maps tells us … oh, there’s a golf course there. A golf course owned by a former President.

Yep. The epicenter of that earthquake was just a spitting distance away from Trump National in Bedminster.

Now what could have caused that earthquake to take place? Tectonic shifts in the earth’s crust? Geothermal fissures? The results of hydrofracking on bedrock?

Or maybe it was Trump’s recent decision to sell personally-branded Bibles at $59.99 apiece? You know … God may not be copacetic with selling Bibles for $59.99 when the Gideons put them in every hotel room for free. Just sayin’ is all.

And let’s go one step farther. Trump’s selling the Bibles for $59.99. If you rotate the last three digits of the price of the Bibles, you know what number comes up? 666. According to Revelations, that’s the mark of the beast. Hmm.

And there is the passage in Revelation that we would know the beast by the markings on the forehead – well, those red MAGA baseball caps make it easy to spot them a mile away. 😀

Hey, let’s keep going on this. The solar eclipse is coming through on Monday. It will plunge the Earth into darkness. For maybe three minutes at the most. But I understand that the eclipse can have the power to bestow superhuman abilities upon ordinary people. It can give them super-speed, or invulnerability, or turn them into beings of fire, or allow them to communicate telepathically with machines.

Oh, wait. That whole concept was the over-arching plotline for the NBC fantasy series Heroes. Whatever happened to Heroes, anyway? One brilliant season and the whole show went to shit afterwards … 😀

Maybe she thinks that the eclipse will plunge us into three days of darkness, just as the Egyptians faced from God after Pharaoh Ramses II forbade Moses to take the Hebrews out of Egypt.

Listen, my little Margie, eclipses are astronomical phenomena. They occur when the moon passes across the sun and the moon’s shadow blesses the earth. And it only takes three minutes of totality, which occurs within a narrow line on this planet. From what I understand, the eclipse totality misses your district by at least a few states. Oh, and before you start plotting the end times again, there’s also a lunar eclipse, when the Earth passes across the sun and the Earth’s shadow blesses the moon. There’s one of those lunar eclipses on its way in 2025, so get ready for it.

But back to our Bible-thumping proselytizer from Georgia’s 14th. See, I’m of the belief that she – along with Boebert and Gaetz and some of these other cross-eyed bonkbrains in the House of Representatives are plagues upon our existence. Lauren Boebert would qualify as the plague of boils. Matt Gaetz sort of fits into the plague of flies.

But as for Marjorie Taylor Greene …

I haven’t decided yet if she’s the plague of frogs … or the plague of locusts.

Or maybe she’s both. 😀