The Wisdom of Bobby “The Brain” Heenan

He may not have had the charisma of the Grand Wizard of Wrestling, he might not have been as energetic as Captain Lou Albano, he might not have achieved the vicious “heel” hatred as did Classy Fred Blassie, but Bobby “The Brain” Heenan was indeed a force to be reckoned with in the sport of professional wrestling.  He was a top manager whose champions won many titles, and he later transitioned to a long and successful career as an announcer.

And rather than rely on the same, tired references and insults – come on, if you had a nickel for every time Fred Blassie called someone a pencil-necked geek, you’d be rich today – Bobby Heenan’s insults and commentary were both inventive and stinging.  He could insult anybody’s performance in the ring and get away with it.  It was as if he was the undisputed champion of the pro wrestling edition of the Dozens.

Some years ago, back in the ancient days of USENET newsgroups, a gentleman named Hesham, with the help of several other posters on the newsgroup, compiled a compilation of Bobby Heenan’s greatest quotations.

Let me share a few of Bobby Heeenan’s most famous bon mots with all of you now; these were culled from the newsgroup archives.  If these comments bring a chuckle to your heart, then you know what it means to enjoy the rapier wit of one of the most engaging personalities in pro wrestling.

Of course, there’s his most famous quote of all time… “A friend in need is a pest.”

“You don’t have to yell at me!  I’m not blind!”

“The two things that scare me most about wrestling fans is that they’re allowed to vote and allowed to reproduce.”

“It was a legal move, it was a Greco-Roman hair pull.”

“Tito Santana is like a cue-ball; the more you strike him, the more English you get out of him.”

When his commentary partner noted, “When Ric Flair walked by, he held up four fingers. That was the sign of the Four Horsemen,” Heenan replied,  “When Hulk Hogan walked by, I held up one finger.”

“You know they say money can’t buy happiness.  Give me 50 bucks and watch me smile.”

“You know why that woman in the front row’s on the edge of her seat.  She’s got a 300 pound can behind her.”

“Vader is gonna hit Hulk Hogan so hard in the head, he’s gonna grow hair.”

In a match in which a wrestler’s tights got pulled to expose the rear end: “Well, it’s almost 10:00, we should’ve seen the moon by now anyhow.”

In a match involving Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Duggan’s opponent pokes him in the eye.  Heenan: “That’s a difficult move, he’s only got a 50% chance of getting Duggan’s good eye.”

When talking with baseball broadcaster Bob Uecker about Uecker’s chances of getting into the Baseball Hall of Fame: “You received 7,000 votes to get into the Hall Of Fame.  You’d have gotten a lot more, but you ran out of stamps.”

While calling a match in which the Undertaker was applying a chokehold on a ring-enhancement talent, Bobby shouted, “C’mon ref. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5!”  His broadcast partner, Gorilla Monsoon, asked Heenan about the count.  “I’m showing ya. The referee could’ve broke the hold. He’s intimidated by that monster.”  “Why don’t you go down there and referee?” asked Monsoon.  “I’m needed here.” was Heenan’s response.

When describing wrestler Davey Boy Smith, who at the time had his hair in cornrows, Heenan called him, “”Million dollar body, ten cent mind and Whoopi Goldberg’s hairdo.”

When describing AWA tag team champions The Fabulous Ones, Heenan said, “It looks like they fell off a wedding cake in San Francisco.”

When describing the Undertaker, Heenan said, “He’s colder than a pawnbroker’s heart, he’s colder than a mother-in-law’s kiss.”

As Hulk Hogan’s entrance music is played, Heenan remarks, “That’s my second favorite song.”  When asked what was his favorite song, he replied, “All the rest are tied.”

When his commentary partner mentioned that Bob Backlund was a graduate of North Dakota State University, Heenan jibed, “WOW!!!! North Dakota State?!?! What do you have to do there to graduate? Be able to milk a cow with your left hand?”

And in case you want to hear Bobby “The Brain” Heenan in full context… check out this YouTube clip.

And even after he survived throat cancer, he could still put together some ripping shots, as evident from his YouTube clips from his WWE Hall of Fame induction ceremony.

Hope that brought a smile to your face this weekend.