A couple of weeks ago, I griped about how telemarketers and ripoff callers and spambots and robodialers have essentially cocked their snoots at the Do Not Call Registry, to the point where they can do whatever they want and call me whenever they like and nobody will or can do anything about it. Not Verizon, not the Registry, not anybody.
And in that blog post, I warned the telemarketers that they had pushed me too far. And like Popeye the Sailor, that’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more.
But I’m not going to reach into my shirt pocket for a can of spinach.
No. I came up with a solution.
First, I discovered that my BlackBerry PRIV has access to several different Android applications (by the way, have I mentioned how much I LOVE the BlackBerry PRIV?). I found one such application, which allows me to handle telemarketers with suitable aplomb.
If I get a call from someone I trust – my friends, my kid, my co-workers – all is well and the call acts as normal. But if the call comes from an unknown or untrusted or unrecognized number on the Caller ID… all it takes is one gentle tap on the screen, and I do to this caller what Rose Mary Woods used to do for Richard Nixon. I’ll give you about 18 1/2 minutes to figure that reference out.
And before anybody gets on my case about illegal wiretapping, I present that New York State allows “one-party” consent of phone recordings, i.e., so long as one of the parties in the phone conversation knows they’re being recorded, then it’s legal. And I’m only recording the spammers. All the other phone numbers in my contact list are green-listed, so that the program won’t record them.
So now… if any more telemarketers or spambots or robocalls or swindlers try to call me…
They’re in for the shock of their lives. They’re going to cause trouble? I don’t think so. Because, to paraphrase Damon Wayans on In Living Color… Chuckie don’t play ‘dat.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get some work done – oh wait, phone call. Colorado… I don’t know anybody in Colorado.
You know what? I bet it’s a telemarketer trying to sell me an extended aftermarket warranty on my car.
Let’s test this theorem out, shall we?
Test works. And it works well. Hee hee hee… Listen, I like driving, but the only way I’m putting that many miles on a vehicle in three short years is if I’ve got Pigpen as the front door, Rubber Duck in the back door and I’m in the rocking chair, mercy sakes alive looks like we got us a convoy…
And let this be a warning to all spambots, telemarketers, robocallers, thieves, and annoyances. You call me, you’re going to get treated like this whether you like it or not. You interrupt my life, you waste my time, you get what you deserve.
I mean it. You will be mocked, teased, taunted, made fun of, and shamed. My goal will be to keep you on the line for at least ten minutes, so that’s ten minutes where you can’t harass or scam anyone else.
And if you have a problem with this, by all means provide me with your true contact information. Not that spoof number on the Caller ID. I want your true phone number and mailing address.
Because after you do that, I’ll be more than happy to share that information with the Do Not Call Registry, who will be very interested to find out WHY you went around their rules to harass good citizens like me.
Remember that part about not poking the bear?
Trust me. Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant… he got off lucky compared to the spambots.
It’s on, troublemakers. I’m the bear, you walked into my den…
And that’s a nice salmon-flavored tuxedo you’re wearing.