My original plan was to watch the Presidential debate with an open mind, to hear the candidates talk about the issues. Heck, when I saw Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump take the stage and shake hands prior to the debate, I thought things would remain civil and calm between the two.
Yeah, right. That might have lasted for maybe five minutes. It quickly evolved from a Presidential debate into a political game of the dozens. I hadn’t seen anything that rough since the last time I survived fourth grade recess.
And then I noticed something about Donald Trump’s delivery. Every time he took a breath to speak, there was this godawful wheeze in his voice.
So I went on Facebook and started to comment on the situation. “Would someone please get Donald Trump some decongestant? Every time he inhales, he sounds like a vacuum cleaner. Or something else that sucks air…”
And before I knew it … it was on. I couldn’t pull myself away from the computer. I was watching the Presidential debate and commenting left and right on the situation. I’ve done this before – last year, during the Academy Awards, I had an online Facebook running commentary on how great it was that Mad Max: Fury Road won Oscar after Oscar. And I’ve done it during the Super Bowl, throwing shade at both teams because my beloved Pittsburgh Steelers didn’t get past the second round of the playoffs (Damn you Vontaze Burfict).
And as I watched Donald Trump go from viable Presidential candidate to elementary school tough guy at recess, I kept on commenting. Right off the fly. Hey, maybe I wsan’t Joel Hodgson or Mike Nelson, but dang I was having fun.
Here’s how I called the first Presidential debate of 2016.
- Notice when Donald Trump says that we’re being ripped off by other countries, he mentions China, he mentions Mexico – but he doesn’t mention Russia. Hmm…
- Okay, who had 9:33 p.m. as the moment when Donald Trump brings up the E-mail comments? You win!
- And Hillary takes off the patent leather gloves and goes after Donald Trump’s tax returns. This is turning into Ali-Frazier, and I can’t decide if it’s Ali-Frazier at Madison Square Garden, or Ali-Frazier that was the Thrilla in Manila.
- Oh please Hillary bring up Trump University. Please, please, please bring up Trump University.
- Donald Trump’s building infrastructure – he’s going to re-open a post office on Pennsylvania Avenue. Great. If he doesn’t become President, he could become a postal worker. He’s got the temperament for it… (NOTE: I later found out that the “post office” was a new hotel.)
- Oh please Donald tell everybody that Hillary’s going to revoke the second amendment. Because a President cannot revoke an amendment. But it still sounds good for your campaign…
- Hey Donald, if you’re worried ’bout African-Americans and Hispanics “living in hell,” why don’t you build some houses for them? Can’t you afford to do that?
- Lester Holt caught Donald Trump in a fib. Uh oh…
- Wait, did Donald Trump say that Barack Obama’s hometown was Chicago? You mean he’s finally stopped suggesting that Obama’s home town was in Kenya?
- So will the new Mary Poppins movie have a song in it called “Supercalifragilisticexpi-bragadocious?”
- The nice thing about watching this debate with a split screen is you can see when steam starts coming out of Donald Trump’s ears every time Hillary Clinton says anything.
- “500 murders. That’s a lot of murders.” No , Sherlock…
- “I prepared for this debate, just like I prepared to be President. And that’s a good thing.” Drop the mic, Hillary…
- “I got Barack Obama to produce his birth certificate. And that’s a good job.” Wow, Donald… that sho nuff makes you Presidential material, don’t it?
- Obama produced a birth certificate, and yet Donald Trump can’t produce his tax returns..
- And at 10:02, Hillary brought up Donald’s birther conspiracy theory. Pick up the mic and drop it again.
- Uh-oh… Hillary’s brought up Donald’s friendship with Vladimir Putin, and brought up Russia’s cyber-hacking. Steam’s coming out of the Donald’s ears again… Or maybe it’s steamed borscht.
- Okay, I will vote for the first candidate who, when discussing cyber-security, brings up Mr. Robot. Donald, Hillary, you’re on the clock.
- Ladies and gentlemen, Donald Trump just announced that his solution to stopping ISIS was to take the oil. So as President, he advocates being the leader of a sovereign nation taking the resources of another sovereign nation. That just went ten miles over the creepypasta zone.
- “When I did an interview with Howard Stern…” Oh please Hillary, just say Baba Booey once.
- “I was against the war.” “I was for the war.” We have always been at war with Eurasia, we are friends with Eastasia. INGSOC. Lumpen Proles.
- “A man who gets provoked by a tweet should not be allowed access to the nuclear codes.” There’s going to be a dent in the floor from all the times Hillary drops that mic.
- Donald Trump referenced B-52’s that are old enough that your father and grandfather were flying them. He wouldn’t know what a B-52 was if Fred Schneider, Kate Pierson and Cindy Wilson walked up to him and started singing “Rock Lobster.”
- “To be President of this country, you need tremendous stamina.” Well, unfortunately, Jack LaLanne isn’t running for President this year…
- Okay, we’ve finished the first debate. Recess is over, all the kids need to go back to class. No more hair-pulling, no more Indian burns, no more “He started it!” “She started it!”
And the funny thing is… one of my Facebook friends, fellow Times Union blogger Heather Fazio, dropped this comment to me. “You have made my night, lol. You need to collect all of these and publish them in one blog!”
Funny you should say that… 😀