This morning, I thought about the motivations that keep me going when days are dark. I thought about how difficult it is to persevere through troubles and tribulations.
It isn’t easy. It never is. And I’ve made many mistakes along the way.
So today, let’s talk about motivations.
There are many things that could have held me back – my parents weren’t exactly enamored that I was that “surprise” in their casual lifestyle, heck my father once told me that if abortion was legal in 1963, I wouldn’t have been a problem. So every morning on this earth reminds me that there are people in the world who would love it if I wasn’t here.
And yet today I’m here.
I survived bullying and assault – both in school and at home. it forced me to seek inner peace. Which wasn’t easy. It meant that I could never count on my parents to support me, or to hope that my friends wouldn’t stab me in the back. You learn quickly to count on yourself – and only yourself.
And on those occasions when I found an organization or a group of people who had that same “us against the world” mentality … it was like finding that long-lost band of brothers.
Within those moments, you learn the importance of self-reliance. But you also learn that no matter how self-reliant you are, the demons are only one moment of despair away.
And they can grab onto you like a cobra’s bite.
The past few months have been a battle with depression. Two eye surgeries didn’t help. In fact, it kinda hindered my involvement in going outdoors with my camera gear.
Two weeks ago, I took one camera to the Great Escape and took pictures.
Last Saturday, I hauled my AGFA Clipper Special f/6.3 to the Jericho Drive-In to capture the neon sign.
These are baby steps to return to functionality. I want to get back to where I belong. To where everything matters. To the point where I feel good about myself and what I can achieve.
Another thing I haven’t done for a long while – is play competitive bar trivia.
Part of it was I just didn’t feel like schlepping off to Rivers Casino on Wednesday nights, and I couldn’t find another location that really caught my interest.
But the other factor may be that I needed a break from the bar sport.
I actually sat out the recent Trivia Unification Tournament. And I acted as a proctor for the recent Trivia Bowl.
Now this doesn’t mean that I’ve given up trivia for good. I just need to get back into it at some point in time. Whenever that may be.
But I need to keep the motivations going. Whether it’s an art project or a bar trivia game or a photography experience or a new adventure of some sort…
These are the features that keep me balanced. The proof that I do belong on this planet. That my existence was NOT an accident. And despite all the bullying and abuse and depression and uselessness heaped upon me like sacks of manure…
I have to move forward. I have to find a way to put all that crap behind me and still say, I will not die today. Not yet.
I know there’s new chapters in my life. I know there are new adventures and new images and new creations.
I simply have to find them. Wherever they may be.
And to never give up – no matter how many obstacles and barriers and blocks are thrown in my path.
That’s the motivation.
It will always be the motivation.
Let’s continue the motivation. For all that it entails.