A long, long time ago, I used to do very snarky (and popular) recaps of a certain Discovery Channel TV show that purported to expose the seamy underbelly of organized crime in South Central Pennsylvania and the like.
Yeah, I’m talking about the Amish Mafia.
This was the show that offered Lebanon Levi King Stoltzfus as the leader of an enforcement racket that controlled “Amish Aid” in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. His foot soldiers included Jolin Zimmerman, the moody Mennonite; Alvin Lentz, expert in explosives, and John Schmucker, who kept trying to move up in the ranks and failing every time.
Oh yeah, and there was John’s scheming sister Esther Freeman Schmucker, there was Alan Beiler the Schwarz Amish, there were the interlopers from Holmes County, Ohio – Merlin Miller (no relation) and his lieutenant Wayne, there was Mary Troyer, the morbidly obese marriage specialist; Constable Paul Castline, who couldn’t figure out a Scooby-Doo mystery; Caleb the Brethren who was either working with Levi or against him; yeah, it was a serious assortment of characters. Four seasons and a Christmas special. Trust me, I used to catch lots of shit when I blogged about the episodes, back when I blogged for the Times Union, but they didn’t complain when my “Amish Mafia” recaps generated the most clickthroughs.
So … I’m writing this post because of this Twitter photo I saw yesterday.
Okay, first of all, let’s assume that this woman’s first name is not Amish. Or that her surname is not Amish. Or that she’s holding the sign for the dude on the red Harley behind her.
But let’s get a few things straight. If she’s of the Amish faith, I’m Kelly Clarkson.
Let’s see. First off, Amish don’t have fancy cell phones. They do use cell phones, but only if it is part of their employment and is a necessity. They don’t wear tight jeans, they don’t wear chain belts, or sunglasses, or biker hats, or any of the above.
And don’t give me the “Well, maybe she’s doing a Rumspringa and she gets to wear English clothes and experience the world of the English before going back to the Amish lifestyle.” Trust me, Rumspringa is for teenagers. That woman hasn’t seen 18 in the mirror in a good 18 years, at least.
What we have here is someone who was paid to hold a Trump 2020 sign, never mind the fact that she’s pretending to be Amish. No. Just no. Just another excuse to try to convince people that there are loyal Trump supporters of all faiths. Looks like the only “faith” this woman has is in the almighty $3/hour she was paid to hold that sign.
Someone needs to introduce her to Lebanon Levi.
Because I tell you, hear me clearly, anyone pretending to be Amish – whether it’s to scam tourists or for any other nefarious purposes – Levi and his crew will do some nasty, nasty things to you.
Or at least they did that for four seasons and a Christmas special.
So yeah, miss Amish thing … it ain’t working.
By the way, have you met Caleb yet? Because if you try to mess with the Amish lifestyle, Caleb has no problem flexing his muscles on your noggin.
Apparently this woman has not grasped the 11th Commandment.
Thou shalt not mess with the Amish Mafia.