Ah, Spectrum, you never cease.

I was working on a project yesterday, in which I needed a solid, well-defined communicative link between myself and an online entity. Normally these projects are easy to accomplish and complete.

This time, however, it seemed that there was a massive lag. And that lag was taking me longer to complete the online task.

Ugh. And I’ve got the good 100mb download speed with Spectrum, had it even back in the day when it was Time Warner Cable. But today, that 100mb download speed seems rather, shall we say, slow.

I know what that means. And that twinge in my hip – where my wallet rests in my pocket – knew it, too.

I needed to call Spectrum and find out if I could increase my bandwidth.

Now folks, you know as well as I do that calling any telecommunications company comes with its own distinct pitfalls. At any moment, they can jack your bill up and claim, at the same time, that they’re saving you money. They can drop a channel or three and never tell you until that moment when you really want to watch something. Or even better – they can hammer you, morning, noon and night, with commercials for ways to improve your product and increase your bill at the same time.

This is how cable companies work. They exist in a monopoly with your local town or city, your only options if you don’t want cable TV is to subscribe to a satellite provider (which means adding that big satellite dish to the side of your house), or to get some “rabbit ears” and hope you can still pull some decent over-the-airwaves free channels.

At this point, I’m like Pavlov’s dogs. The cage is electrified, I’m going to lay down and take the shocks.

I call Spectrum. I ask if they can increase my bandwidth.

“Yes, sir, we can do that, we can boost you to a gigabite of download speed.”

Wow, that sounds powerful.

“I’m just going to up your bill an additional $60 a month.”

WAIT A MOMENT HOLD IT WHOA NELLIE!!!

“Well, we can boost your speed to 400mb, that will only cost $20 a month additional.”

Ah, yes, the Spectrum tactic of trying to go for the huge sale and eventually changing it to the medium sale.

“Oh, you may have to acquire a modem with us, in that we can’t guarantee that the modem you own will handle the download speed.”

Um, Spectrum, you do realize that the modem that I’M CURRENTLY LEASING FROM YOU because you told me years ago that I couldn’t just buy any off-the-shelf modem, that it had to be a very specific one, is still in my possession?

Sure enough, the modem I currently own was suitable for the new download speed.

“By the way, have you considered getting Spectrum Mobile for your cell phone?”

Ah, yes. Here’s the push for their cell phone company. Right on time. Sorry, but I already have enough issues with my current provider (Verizon), I don’t need new issues with Spectrum on my phone. And Spectrum probably can’t even handle my BlackBerry phone.

The end result – I received new, more improved download speeds, and the project’s lag noticeably disappeared. So there’s that. I’ll take that.

And I’ll just count the additional $20/month pound of flesh as a business expense come tax time.

I tell you, the day Spectrum does something altruistic for its customers … without using its coaxial-coated claws to claim cash from my clasp … the day they do something altruistic … that will be the first day it’s ever happened.

For sure. Ugh.