My 2021 Resolution – Mindfucking with scammers

It’s been happening more frequently. And it’s irritating.

In the past, I’ve railed against these companies that are trying to sell me an extended service warranty for my car. Sometimes they call two, three, five times a day. Telling them to go away is useless, they keep returning. Telling my phone company to screen them is useless, they get a cut of these calls, I’m sure of it.

And it’s not just the cold-callers and spammers. Now I’m getting fake texts to my phone, pretending to be my bank or my credit card or my Amazon account. And I’m sick of it.

Let me explain. Here’s a screenshot from my phone, of a message I received on my phone last Friday. On New Year’s Day, yet.

Oh my God, my Bank of Amer1ca account is frozen! Oh, sweet Lord in heaven, whatever shall I do? I can’t have my Bank of Amer1ca account get closed! That Bank of Amer1ca account is important to me!! I need to log in and ver1fy it at this link…

You did see what I did there, right?

This cork-brained chowderhead company tried to catch me off-guard. First off, if there was ever a situation with my Bank of Amer1ca – sorry, Bank of America – account, they would call me directly. And they would confirm my last three purchases. Trust me, I’ve had my accounts compromised before, so I have two-step authorization and security features up the ying-yang on that card.

And even if this appeared to be legit, why in the name of nickels and dimes would I need to ver1fy – sorry, verify – my account with some company called Who the fuck is

No, I don’t want to visit the site. First off, look at the URL in the screenshot. You don’t even go to, you’re going to some sub-site on the page. And after the URL, there’s a sub-URL that says ?id=boa. That, friends, is a piece of code that tells the scam site where this came from, and which sucker clicked on it.

So what could happen with this? It could ask me for some personal information – my bank account, password, social security number – or it could just dispense with that and add some nasty malware or ransomware to my phone. And that’s not happening, bro.

Ergo, the resolution in this blog post.

I’m turning on the phone recorder. In New York, it is legal for a phone call to be recorded, so long as one party in the conversation knows they’re being recorded. And if you bonkbrains try to fool me with scams for travel trips, or low-interest credit card loans, or (gasp) extended vehicle warranties, well, guess what, kiddos. You’re getting recorded. And you’re getting clowned. And the audio’s going on this blog. Hell, if it’s fun enough, I’ll post it on my radio show, too. And you will be clowned, and your scams will be exposed for all to hear.

Oh, and if you pretend to be my bank or my credit card company or anybody else with whom I currently conduct financial business, and I receive a text message from you like the one above, rest assured that the real bank and/or credit card company will receive a copy of that screenshot. I’m sure their army of lawyers will sue your sorry wretched GeoCities-based website ass out of existence.

You wanna dance? Trust me, when it comes to embarrassing scammers and swindlers, I’m Fred Astaire and you’re barely capable of a box step. You wanna step in the ring with me? You clowns, I’m Mike Tyson and you’re Nate Robinson.

Oh, and guess what. I know there’s committees in Congress that are trying to pass consumer protection against telemarketers, scammers and swindlers like you. And I am more than happy to send transcripts of these calls (along with the recordings) to every single person that represents New York in Congress. A disc for Chuck Schumer, a disc for Kirsten Gillibrand, a disc for Paul Tonko, a disc for Antonio Delgado, a disc for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, heck, I’ll even send a disc to Elise Stefanik, I don’t care.

Just know that you schavartzers have gone too far. I ain’t just hanging up like I should expect your call. You’re infringing on my time and my life.

You poked the bear.

Now you can expect to get a few claws upside your faces.