The Porch Pirate

Last week, in anticipation of an upcoming photo shoot, I ordered a few rolls of expired Kodak Gold 200 Instamatic film, with the plan to respool the film and shoot it in another camera.

On Monday, I received an e-mail that the film had arrived at my doorstep.

By the time I got home … the package wasn’t there. I had bills in the mailbox, but no package.

Hmm. Maybe it’s somewhere else on the porch.


Could a strong wind had blown it off the porch, and now it’s on the ground in front of my home?


Well, this is totally strange.

So I went inside and checked my computer for e-mails and whatnot.

And this showed up on my Facebook page.

Son of a…

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

And then, on my Green Island neighborhood Facebook page, came other reports of packages taken from my neighbors’ porches. It didn’t matter what the contents of the packages were, perhaps this thief thought he could find some treasure in each package and pawn it off for spending cash or something.

I immediately filed a report with the police.

And before anybody says to me, “Hey, Chuck, you’re only out what, $40 in film, why make a big deal over this?”

See, here’s the thing. It doesn’t matter if it was $40 or $4,000. Someone took something from me. Because of this, my plans for a photo shoot are now screwed up. Even if that film showed up today, it would be a crunch to get it respooled in time for the photo shoot. I now have to use a different film that I already have in my home, which wasn’t my original or initial plan. For all I know, this cretin won’t even know what to do with Instamatic film, he’ll most likely toss it in the trash.

And what if that wasn’t just film? I get my medicines shipped to me, and if any of those go walkies, I can’t replace them easily. AND … if I don’t take those medicines, it could seriously affect my health.

This is upsetting.

So now I have to take new measures. Until I feel safe enough to trust that my packages will arrive at my home, I will have all packages – Amazon shipments, pharmacy products, whatnot – sent to an alternate address, where I will pick them up myself.

The video from a neighbor’s Ring doorbell gives a somewhat reasonable description of this porch pirate. Red shirt, yellow shoes, medium length dreads. Someone knows him.

Some of my neighbors contemplated putting together “rigged” packages filled with confetti or garbage or exploding dye packs. No. I’m not doing that. We don’t need to booby-trap packages. We just need to provide as much evidence as possible to round up this miscreant.

This is why my taxes pay for a police force. I know it’s not a huge crime, but it’s a huge crime to me. And it’s a huge crime to my neighbors as well.

And the worst thing about this is … that chisel-nut violated the sanctity of my home. What’s to say he won’t come back for a second five-finger discount?

Right now, I can only do what I can do.

Maybe I need to talk to my landlord about installing a video doorbell or something. I don’t know.

But the fact of the matter is, after 11 years of peace and quiet in the Town and Village …

This event just shocked me out of my peace and quiet.

And I don’t like it.

Not one bit.