They’re making another Left Behind movie? Why? No, seriously, WHY?

The Left Behind novel series – 16 books, to be precise – tells the story of the people left behind after the Christian Rapture, and their attempts to prevent an antichrist from taking over the world. There. I just saved you 5,000 pages and $20 at the used book store. You’re welcome.

Seriously. The Left Behind series of Rapture fiction has its fans – I made it through the first book, and it wasn’t worth purchasing any more in the series. That being said … apparently there’s a series of Left Behind motion pictures.

I’m not kidding. I wish I was.

Apparently the first in the Left Behind saga featured lead actor (reading notes) Kirk Cameron.

Yikes. I don’t know what the budget on this film was, but I swear it looks like they paid the actors with Kohl’s Cash. This film is so dreadful, I think the only way to make this film even passably watchable would be to insert the silhouettes of Tom Servo and Crow in the lower right corner.

And this movie actually spawned two sequels. All three of which can be seen – unedited – on YouTube. And no, if you’re that desperate to see this dreck, go look it up yourself.

Flash forward to 2014 … when someone had this fantastic idea to reboot Left Behind as a new movie series. And instead of bringing in Kirk Cameron (because … why would you want to?), they found an actor who will take any role as long as the check clears.

Yeah, you knew when I said “as soon as the check clears,” your first thought was Nicolas Cage.

I don’t have to watch this pabulum to already feel queasy in the tummy.

But wait … it gets better.

Because in a few weeks … we get a NEW Left Behind reboot.

And apparently since Nicolas Cage can now afford things again, and doesn’t need to pick and choose whatever roles are offered to him (come on, someone get Ghost Rider in the MCU already), the new lead actor of the Left Behind cinematic universe is …

Holy Hercules, it’s … ugh … Kevin Sorbo.

Kevin MAGA Sorbo.

Would you excuse me for a moment, please?

(walks into bathroom)

(lifts up toilet seat)




Sorry. Had to do that.

Yeah. Having Kevin Sorbo in your movie is the equivalent of phoning it in. And it doesn’t get any worse than that.

I mean … unless somehow Louis C.K. joined the franchise. I mean, have they cast Nicola Carpathia yet? Or are they saving that role for a big-named box office superstar, like, oh, I don’t know, Kevin Spacey or Mel Gibson?

Yeah. As far as I’m concerned, the Left Behind series has an appropriate title.

I’m glad to have left behind this pile of drizzle.