I’m going to step aside from the blog today, because my son Kris wrote a poem and posted it on social media. And it moved me so much, that I wanted to share the post on MY social media – meaning my personal blog.
So here it is. I hope you enjoy.
The emptiness envelops my heart as it sludges thru my veins, a world of empty promises and some “maybe after it rains”. A racket of slack given right back always attacks, the pooling of pain as it runs thru the brain, makes me insane.
The crosshairs of shame for jumping towards something so plainly not happening, the sound of my breath as it starts quickening, the pit is sickening. The respect is quick sand, it sucks you in hoping for just a small win only to find out you’ve been let down again.
the words that show the emotions within your vulnerability, falls on lackluster empathy and “oh he’ll understand ” with no great epiphany that what they did was shitty. The selfish you should have expected, you wouldn’t be respected, more so redirected to rebuild walls, so you don’t fall until there’s nothing left at all. Emptiness. The isolation of not wanting to be hurt, but trying your best to believe the bullshit words, the small glimmer of happiness that doesn’t come at all, and in the end, its your fault.
numb and maimed, laughs are slain because in the back of your brain, you may never be the same and all that esteem you built cut down in a tilt, so you feel insecure , wish you mattered more, but honestly don’t even know what for, that hope that you would be enough, just a hope to be included in stuff, even though your past is rough, that someone would want you in their life, is it real or lies, is it a game to see how far down you’ll stretch your hand, to help your fellow man, hoping for a chance to get the same plan, but the actions never follow. the hard pit in your throat you cant swallow, as you pretend to be happy but really want to wallow in the bullshit stories that you’ll have to let go tomorrow, because deep inside you’ll never matter as much as you want, and they’ll never care enough to give you even a cut so its still just building up into
a sad lonely sorrow, while you watch them play thru pictures, remembering they were chosen over you time and time again. don’t make you feel like a man, but more like a puppet, that everyone tells to suck it, and those tomorrows they planned their too busy doing them so you get put on backburner. you dredge on alone, as always because getting close will only cause you pain, as you step out in the rain, dont forget your hope bucket,
why bother, its got a hole but no one will ever know just how empty it is, because
you still smile and grin and pretend you’re gonna win but inside you feel like a loser, constantly just getting more bitter, because every time it happens you just feel shittier and shittier.
until long at last the quiet parts said out loud, your not something they show off, they are never proud of how you can paint this smile, i guess you can see thru it for miles. And that hope bucket you had you finally threw away because at the end of the day, you’re not worth the effort to make plans with anyway. and you can only push so far with all the trauma and scars, that you’ve shared to all their hearts and the seats they planted their asses in slowly disappear until your the only one playing alone empty in a chair.
The days drag and the nights go too quickly and you want to stop being the one to believe it, but every time it always sounds convincing, except so many times it is really is literally bullshit. and you wish you’d stop listening and quit, so you can get rid of the emptiness that doesn’t go away, dredging thru your veins like fern gullys toxic rain. one day you’ll find a way to numb the pain.
So touching, brave and heartbreaking.