I do NOT believe in cryptocurrency. As far as I’m concerned, if cryptocurrencies are not backed by the United States government – i.e., I could go to the local bank and convert Bitcoin into dollars and verse vica – then it’s no more financially solvent than the paper money in a Monopoly game.
That being said, there are plenty of swindlers and scammers out there who will promise you that cryptocurrencies will explode into the next financial windfall. Yes, you too can turn a small investment into a bankroll and become richer than Croesus.
Sure you can. </sarcasm>
I’ve blogged about such crypto-swindles in the past. People who either get hooked on what appears to be a financial tie-in with some pop culture phenomenon, or who use cryptocurrency as a statement against or for some political figure.
And just when I thought these scammers hadn’t found new victims and new ways to fleece those victims …
Here comes the “Hawk Tuah” girl.
Surely you remember the “Hawk Tuah” girl?
The girl who became a viral sensation when someone asked her about a special lovemaking technique?
Yep, that’s Hailey Welch, who kicked off her 15 minutes of fame by explaining her technique to please her man. Hock a loogie and spit on a guy’s “Hairy Manilow.” The dating tip that’s one-half Plenty of Fish and one-half Porn Hub.
Got it.
Well, according to this Gizmodo article, Ms. Welch is now involved in her own cryptocurrency. Yep, you can purchase HAWK cryptocoins and you can become wealthy.
And by “you can become wealthy,” the “you” is most obviously Hailey Welch. Because after the coin was launched and hyped, the parties behind the HAWK coin sold enough to extract all the coin’s liquidity, leaving those who actually BOUGHT the coin holding nothing but worthless digital crumbs. In the cryptocurrency world, it’s known as a “rug pull.”
Now Welch claims that she was not involved in this “rug pull,” but come on now. Cryptocurrency investments have RARELY benefitted the buyer, the benefit is more towards the creator. And the creator makes the money by taking YOUR money. I mean, come on – you’re trusting your financial stability on a coin whose even existence is tied to a viral interview that a woman gave about how she spits on a guy’s ramrod?
I’m telling you … at this point in time, I’m three steps away from simply taking all my financials and investing in Pillowcase Savings and Loan, or Tin Can in the Ground Bank and Trust. That, or maybe joking (once again) about creating my own financial token, the $5,000 Chuckycoin. You give me $5,000, and I’ll give you one Chuckycoin. With which you can purchase anything I own at the rate I select. You can’t use the Chuckycoin anywhere else, and I decide how much a Chuckycoin is worth in trade.
Now I wouldn’t create a Chuckycoin other than as a joke on this blog, but that’s because I’m not trying to steal your money.
And when people use pop culture or emotional connections to convince you to part with your hard-earned cash … well, I have a problem with that.
Because I really DON’T want to write a future blog post that links some upcoming cryptocurrency to (fill in the upcoming pop culture meme).
And … unfortunately … I may as well start drafting it now, and filling in the missing information for that blog like some ironic version of Mad Libs.
Hawk tuah on that one.
Chuck The Writer 
You do know that Don the Con has picked a phoney-money advocate to head the SEC? Just the latest in his cabinet of criminals.
America: it was nice while it lasted.
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