So I tried to make a sports bet at Rivers yesterday…

“Hi, and welcome to the new Rivers Sports Book, what would you like to bet on?”

Yes, I tried to make a bet yesterday at Rivers.  It did not go well.

Me: “Do you take bets on basketball?”

Rivers: “Yes we do, sir, what would you like to bet on?”

Me: “I’m going to put some money on the Magic winning it all this year.”

Rivers: “Okay, that’s a bit of a longshot.”

Me: “No it’s not.  They won last year.”

Rivers: (looking confused) “Are you sure about this?”

Me: “Yes, they won the championship last year.”

Rivers: (thumbing through her computer) “Are you absolutely sure?”

Me: “Yes, all of Canada was watching.”

Rivers: “The Orlando Magic?”

Me: “No, the Moncton Magic.”

Rivers: “The who?”

Me: “The Moncton Magic.  They won the NBL Canada championship.”

Rivers: “I thought you wanted to bet on basketball.”

Me: “Yes I do.  The Moncton Magic won the National Basketball League of Canada championship.”

Rivers: “Um, I don’t think we can take that bet.”

Me: “Fine, how about I bet on the Titans to win it all?”

Rivers: “Those are long odds.  So you want the Titans to win the Super Bowl.”

Me: “No, the TItans don’t play football.”

Rivers: “Yes they do.”

Me: “No they don’t.  They made the playoffs last year, first time in their history.”

Rivers: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, all of Kitchener and Waterloo were watching.”

Rivers: “Kitchner … and Waterloo … ”

Me: “Ontario.”

Rivers: “Is this Canadian basketball again?”

Me. “Yes.”

Rivers: “We can’t take that bet.”

Me: “Fine, I’ll bet a favourite.”

Rivers: “What did you say?”

Me: “I said I’ll bet on a favourite.”

Rivers: “Did you say favorite?”

Me: “Yes.”

Rivers: “Sorry, it sounded different.”

Me: “How about I bet on the Lightning to win everything?”

Rivers: “Well, they did make the Stanley Cup playoffs last year …”

Me: “No they didn’t.”

Rivers: “Yes they did. But they got knocked out in the first round.”

Me: “Yeah, that happened, they were up-ended by the Titans.”

Rivers: “Wait – are you talking about Canadian basketball again?”

Me: “Sure I am.  You’ve heard of the London Lightning, haven’t you?”

Rivers: “I don’t think we can take that bet.”

Me: “Fine, fine, fine.  How about I put my money on the Hurricanes?”

Rivers: “Okay, now I know what you’re doing.”

Me: “It’s about time.”

Rivers: “You want the Miami Hurricanes to win the college football championship.”

Me: “My hurricanes are from Halifax.”

Rivers: “Halifax?”

Me: “Yes.  Halifax, Nova Scotia.”

Rivers: “Is this Canadian basketball again?”

Me: “Yes.”

Rivers: “I don’t think we can take a bet on that.”

Me: “You’re not helping me here.  I thought you could take sports bets.”

Rivers: “We can, sir, please, give us your bet.”

Me: “Fine.  You take bets on basketball?”

Rivers: “We do, sir.”

Me: “Okay.  How about I put money on the Storm to win the championship?”

Rivers: “I can do this.  You’re talking about the Storm, right?”

Me: “Yes.”

Rivers: “And the Storm play basketball, right?”

Me: “They’ve played basketball for years.”

Rivers: “I got it.  You want the Seattle Storm to win the WNBA Championship.”

Me: “No, I want the Island Storm to win the championship.”

Rivers: “What island?”

Me: “Prince Edward Island.”

Rivers: (holding foreheead) “Is this Canadian basketball again?”

Me: “Yes it is.”

Rivers: “I don’t think we can take that bet.”

Me: “All right, all right.  I’ll take some action on the Edge.”

Rivers: “The Edge?”

Me: “The St. John’s Edge.  No, maybe I’ll put my money on the Riptide.”

Rivers: “The Riptide?”

Me: “The Saint John Riptide.”

Rivers: “I thought you said they were the Edge.”

Me: “That’s the St. John’s Edge.”

Rivers: “I thought you said they were the St. John’s Riptide.”

Me: “No, that’s the Saint John Riptide.  I’m very clear about this.”

Rivers: “Is this that Canadian football where there are two teams named Roughriders?”

Me: “Well, no, the teams were Roughriders and Rough Riders, but the Rough Riders ended about 20 years ago.  The Roughriders are in Saskatchewan.”

Rivers: “Do they play basketball?”

Me: “They might, but it’s another league.”

Rivers: “Another Canadian basketball league?”

Me: “Oh yeah, basketball is growing in Canada.”

Rivers: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t think you understand.  We can NOT take bets on Canadian basketball games.  Not any.  Not a single one.”

Me: “Okay, so what you’re saying is … you won’t take my bet.”

Rivers: “We will take your bet, sir, we just don’t have any way to take bets on Canadian basketball.”

Me: “So … if I make a bet that DOESN’T involve Canadian basketball, you’ll honour it?”

Rivers: “We’ll honor it.  Is that what you said?”

Me: “Yes.  I guess you just don’t speak Canadian.”

Rivers: “Well, how about this.  If you give me a bet that doesn’t involve Canadian basketball, not only will I take it, but I’ll even give you a $5 meal voucher on your comp card?”

Me: “I’m good with that.”

Rivers: “Okay.  What would you like to bet?”

Me: “I want to bet on a win in the basketball league.”

Rivers: “Not Canadian basketball?”

Me: “No.  American basketball.”

Rivers: “Okay.  Basketball for the 2019-2020 season?”

Me: “That’s right.”

Rivers: “Okay, I’m ready to take your bet.”

Me: “Here’s my money.”

Rivers: “And what is your bet?”

Me: “I’m betting on the Albany Patroons to win the 2020 championship in The Basketball League.  Thanks for the food voucher!”

And as I’m walking away …

Rivers: “Wait, wait … what’s a Patroon?  Is that a Canadian word for something?”