“Hi, and welcome to the new Rivers Sports Book, what would you like to bet on?”
Yes, I tried to make a bet yesterday at Rivers. It did not go well.
Me: “Do you take bets on basketball?”
Rivers: “Yes we do, sir, what would you like to bet on?”
Me: “I’m going to put some money on the Magic winning it all this year.”
Rivers: “Okay, that’s a bit of a longshot.”
Me: “No it’s not. They won last year.”
Rivers: (looking confused) “Are you sure about this?”
Me: “Yes, they won the championship last year.”
Rivers: (thumbing through her computer) “Are you absolutely sure?”
Me: “Yes, all of Canada was watching.”
Rivers: “The Orlando Magic?”
Me: “No, the Moncton Magic.”
Rivers: “The who?”
Me: “The Moncton Magic. They won the NBL Canada championship.”
Rivers: “I thought you wanted to bet on basketball.”
Me: “Yes I do. The Moncton Magic won the National Basketball League of Canada championship.”
Rivers: “Um, I don’t think we can take that bet.”
Me: “Fine, how about I bet on the Titans to win it all?”
Rivers: “Those are long odds. So you want the Titans to win the Super Bowl.”
Me: “No, the TItans don’t play football.”
Rivers: “Yes they do.”
Me: “No they don’t. They made the playoffs last year, first time in their history.”
Rivers: “Are you sure?”
Me: “Yes, all of Kitchener and Waterloo were watching.”
Rivers: “Kitchner … and Waterloo … ”
Me: “Ontario.”
Rivers: “Is this Canadian basketball again?”
Me. “Yes.”
Rivers: “We can’t take that bet.”
Me: “Fine, I’ll bet a favourite.”
Rivers: “What did you say?”
Me: “I said I’ll bet on a favourite.”
Rivers: “Did you say favorite?”
Me: “Yes.”
Rivers: “Sorry, it sounded different.”
Me: “How about I bet on the Lightning to win everything?”
Rivers: “Well, they did make the Stanley Cup playoffs last year …”
Me: “No they didn’t.”
Rivers: “Yes they did. But they got knocked out in the first round.”
Me: “Yeah, that happened, they were up-ended by the Titans.”
Rivers: “Wait – are you talking about Canadian basketball again?”
Me: “Sure I am. You’ve heard of the London Lightning, haven’t you?”
Rivers: “I don’t think we can take that bet.”
Me: “Fine, fine, fine. How about I put my money on the Hurricanes?”
Rivers: “Okay, now I know what you’re doing.”
Me: “It’s about time.”
Rivers: “You want the Miami Hurricanes to win the college football championship.”
Me: “My hurricanes are from Halifax.”
Rivers: “Halifax?”
Me: “Yes. Halifax, Nova Scotia.”
Rivers: “Is this Canadian basketball again?”
Me: “Yes.”
Rivers: “I don’t think we can take a bet on that.”
Me: “You’re not helping me here. I thought you could take sports bets.”
Rivers: “We can, sir, please, give us your bet.”
Me: “Fine. You take bets on basketball?”
Rivers: “We do, sir.”
Me: “Okay. How about I put money on the Storm to win the championship?”
Rivers: “I can do this. You’re talking about the Storm, right?”
Me: “Yes.”
Rivers: “And the Storm play basketball, right?”
Me: “They’ve played basketball for years.”
Rivers: “I got it. You want the Seattle Storm to win the WNBA Championship.”
Me: “No, I want the Island Storm to win the championship.”
Rivers: “What island?”
Me: “Prince Edward Island.”
Rivers: (holding foreheead) “Is this Canadian basketball again?”
Me: “Yes it is.”
Rivers: “I don’t think we can take that bet.”
Me: “All right, all right. I’ll take some action on the Edge.”
Rivers: “The Edge?”
Me: “The St. John’s Edge. No, maybe I’ll put my money on the Riptide.”
Rivers: “The Riptide?”
Me: “The Saint John Riptide.”
Rivers: “I thought you said they were the Edge.”
Me: “That’s the St. John’s Edge.”
Rivers: “I thought you said they were the St. John’s Riptide.”
Me: “No, that’s the Saint John Riptide. I’m very clear about this.”
Rivers: “Is this that Canadian football where there are two teams named Roughriders?”
Me: “Well, no, the teams were Roughriders and Rough Riders, but the Rough Riders ended about 20 years ago. The Roughriders are in Saskatchewan.”
Rivers: “Do they play basketball?”
Me: “They might, but it’s another league.”
Rivers: “Another Canadian basketball league?”
Me: “Oh yeah, basketball is growing in Canada.”
Rivers: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t think you understand. We can NOT take bets on Canadian basketball games. Not any. Not a single one.”
Me: “Okay, so what you’re saying is … you won’t take my bet.”
Rivers: “We will take your bet, sir, we just don’t have any way to take bets on Canadian basketball.”
Me: “So … if I make a bet that DOESN’T involve Canadian basketball, you’ll honour it?”
Rivers: “We’ll honor it. Is that what you said?”
Me: “Yes. I guess you just don’t speak Canadian.”
Rivers: “Well, how about this. If you give me a bet that doesn’t involve Canadian basketball, not only will I take it, but I’ll even give you a $5 meal voucher on your comp card?”
Me: “I’m good with that.”
Rivers: “Okay. What would you like to bet?”
Me: “I want to bet on a win in the basketball league.”
Rivers: “Not Canadian basketball?”
Me: “No. American basketball.”
Rivers: “Okay. Basketball for the 2019-2020 season?”
Me: “That’s right.”
Rivers: “Okay, I’m ready to take your bet.”
Me: “Here’s my money.”
Rivers: “And what is your bet?”
Me: “I’m betting on the Albany Patroons to win the 2020 championship in The Basketball League. Thanks for the food voucher!”
And as I’m walking away …
Rivers: “Wait, wait … what’s a Patroon? Is that a Canadian word for something?”
Chuck The Writer 
Wow, I’ll have to start calling you Charlie Hustle. Does the league approve of NBL-CA officials betting on basketball?!
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