K-Chuck Radio: No, the worst Christmas songs of all time are…

I was inspired to write this blog after reading a tweet from my friend Jerry Papandrea (he’s the guy who has the DerryX YouTube food channel).

Yeah … no. The Santa Claus version by Springsteen has its charm, especially when you realize that Springsteen essentially did a Springsteen-esque version of the uptempo track that was first a hit for the Four Seasons, and later for the Jackson Five. It’s definitely an homage to the classics.

As for “Wonderful Christmas Time,” it’s meh. I can take it or leave it.

But if you want the most overplayed, brain-scratching Christmas songs, the ones that make you want to change the channel every time you hear the intro, the ones where you accidentally hear a new version of it by an up-and-coming singer and you say to yourself, “Yeah, still sounds like alley cats in heat,” then you’ve come to the right place.

And just so you know, I’m leaving off tracks like “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” just because (a) I don’t really consider it a Christmas song, and (b) I blogged about it three years ago.

Dominick the Donkey

Good God in heaven, this song just reeks of 1960’s ethnic humor that should have stayed in the 1960’s. I mean, there’s a good reason why you don’t hear Lou Monte’s other big hits “Lazy Mary” and “Pepino the Italian Mouse” on oldies radio stations, because they’re just as stale as this track. Ugh.

The Christmas Shoes

I’ve heard that this recording has been considered a form of torture in many countries. I mean, the content is just so maudlin and over the top … Yeah, a great Christmas gift would be to have this song disappear from polite company.

Santa Claus Hides In Your Phonograph

This is a song that’s so old, it exists on Edison cylinder records and the old “Diamond Disc” platters. Early 1920’s, to be precise. I don’t know what’s creepier, hearing Santa Claus is trapped inside an old record player, or hearing that demonic laugh to make me wonder who put him in the record player and why they need to keep him there. Yikes.

The Little Boy that Santa Claus Forgot

If you didn’t want your heart broken on Christmas, don’t listen to this song. Trust me. Ladled through the lush orchestrations and velvet vocals is a song of pain and misery. Probably the only Christmas song that makes you want to pour Everclear into your egg nog, and then toss away the mixture and drink the remaining Everclear right out of the bottle.

Dear Mr. Jesus

There’s a really miserable reason this turgid track ever became a Christmas song. It’s 1987, and a little girl in New York City – Lisa Steinberg – was beaten to death by her parents. During the holiday season, several NYC radio stations played this song in memory of Lisa Steinberg, and it became a left-field Christmas hit for that year, and for a few years after that. Christmas is already a stressful time for many who have had tragedy in their lifetime, and this record doesn’t help the situation.

Please Daddy (Please Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)

I blame John Denver for this piece of crapola. He was the first guy who performed it. But I’m playing the Alan Jackson version here, because there’s no way in Hell I’m putting myself through three minutes of torture from that John Denver version.

Yeah, I’m going to leave this list as it is. Any more painful tracks like this, and someone’s going to Venmo me a bag of coal for Christmas.